HELP!Worried about BF and him surviving

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
HELP!Worried about BF and him surviving
1
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 12:24pm

Hi there,
I should have worded the title differently... I know he WILL survive, but how do I help him?
My boyfriend is separated, not yet divorced. I'm unsure why it is taking this long for the divorce to go through, but I don't feel I'm in the position to force him or pressure it. I know it is a traumatic thing to go through. He's been separated for about 2 1/2 yrs but on and off. This is the longest he has been sepated for (9 months consecutively). He said he is waiting for her to file. They both hired and paid (partially) lawyers but that's as far as it's gone. They have 2 children, a lot of assets... I believe she is out there dating also.

Anyway, since I don't feel it is my place to keep asking him what is going on and about the process, I thought I could get some answers here. Do people usually delay getting the divorce for financial reasons or to avoid the stress doing it, and is it common to take a while to do it? From what I understand, she has all the documents she needs. Also, in my state I think you must be separated for 18 months consecutively (in different houses) to get divorced. Is that right for New Jersey?

My other question has to do with his adapting to being without his children. He is having such a hard time. He has nightmares every night. Wakes up sweating and moaning and crying every night. I feel so bad. I don't know what much to do. I try to support him and console him and tell him it'll get better. He has worries over them and not being there or being a good dad. He's a wonderful dad, though, when he is with them. He sees them as much as he can, but his work schedule also prevents him from seeing them. It's tough. He sometimes wonders how he'll get through this. I wonder sometimes if he'll go back to his wife, even though I think she also definitely wants the divorce.

Does it get easier at all for the man being without his children??? How can I help support him and will he ever be happy again? He said he feels selfish when he's without them, enjoying things, and also as if he abandoned them. He just has so much worry. I don't know what I can do for him? Are there support groups for fathers?? How long will he have this intense anxiety?? I am worried for him.




Edited 7/15/2007 2:25 pm ET by njrungirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 4:12pm
I don't think you will like what I have to say. First anyone truely wanting to divorce and to move on, I believe, will file regardless of the other person. Second, I want you to really consider why you are in a relationship with a man going through a divorce. How can he possibly be in it 100%. Third, a man who wakes up with nigthmares about his abilities as a father is not sacred, he is feeling guilty. Out of respect for yourself, take a realistic look at the man you are with and why you are with him, and why he is with you. If you read the posts here, you will see countless stories of spouses moving on quickly and sending mixed messages to their x's. Anyone going through a divorce has read or heard that you shouldn't get into a serious relationship with someone for at least a year after your divorce. A marriage and chilren is a bond that can't be described without experiencing it. No one moves on that fast without some denial going on. I do not mean to hurt your feelings and if what I say is uncomfortable I am sorry. I just see some flashing red lights that there is more happening then you know. Being in that myself, I know men lie to keep the OW in the dark. Some men are just looking for another person so they don't feel alone. That does not mean this is your situation, but isn't it worth it to find out. Good luck.