Here I am to whine again. Sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Here I am to whine again. Sorry
17
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 10:51am

Last night I posted this on the Fighting Depression board. I guess I need to know if any of you who have been through this can help me. I am on the edge and I don't know whether to step back or jump. Why am I having such a hard time letting him go? Why do I feel that God is telling me to just be patient? Thanks for any input.

Today my ex husband drove 4 1/2 hours to meet the match made for him by eharmony. I am not dealing with this at all well. I have had a bad feeling about this all day. I know in my heart he is going to come back and tell me she is everything I could never be. I have cried for three days now. Tonight around 1030pm I went for a walk because I couldn't sleep. I actually stood in the middle of the highway in front of a truck. I moved only because my ex is out of town and the children would be alone. I have been dealing with this pain since 3-4-05. That was the day my husband left me. He had fallen in love with someone else. OW went back to her husband and now he is looking for a mate. What is so wrong with me that he can't come home and love me? I love him with all my heart and soul. I don't want to live without him. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Surely my children would be better off without a Mom who is a mess the rest of her life. All I ever wanted was a family (Mom, Dad, and children). I didn't have one growing up and I wanted it so badly. He is the love of my life. Without him my life is over. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. What ever did I do in my life that is deserving of such a torcherist punishment. God must really hate me. I have prayed everyday that my husband will see that we need to be a family and come home, but he isn't. My whole life has been this way. Nothing is ever easy. My husband promised till death do us part, I am not dead yet. I don't understand why God won't let him come home. Can't he see we need him. God has taken care of everyone of my needs since March 05'. I am thankful for that, but can he not see I need him. I am dying without him. I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard, too painful. Ex says he doesn't hate me, if he doesn't then why won't he put our lives back together at least for the sake of the children. It is so painful to me to see the tears in their eyes. How am I to help them when I can't help myself. I don't know what to do.
Brenda

Hugs to you all, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 11:26am

brenda, i am so so so sorry for your pain. please call a Suicide Hotline - 1-800-273-TALK and talk to someone.

we all react differently to situations, and you are feeling very down and hurt here - and it would help you to talk to someone who can help you.

let us know how you are doing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 12:59pm

Brenda, you can not go on suffering life this. You've done everything you're supposed to - counseling, medication, etc. Since you are truly having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE consider some inpatient hospitalization. It is normally very short-term and could really set you on the path to recovery. You said it yourself - you can't help your boys unless you help yourself. I really think it's time for you to take the next step and get some more help.


I really and truly understand how you feel. A couple of years ago, I felt suicidal also. I ran around my house frantically trying to find pills to overdose on. I finally pulled myself together, realizing what my death would do to my son. As long as I was alive, I had a chance to make things right...a chance to be happy, even if it was a small one.


God doesn't hate you. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe that God or a higher power does work in very mysterious ways. I went from being miserable and suicidal over the course of a couple of years to being wonderfully happy with my life. If you'd asked me two years ago if I could be this happy, I'd have laughed. Life can, and does, go on. I never thought in a million years that I would find someone wonderful and get remarried. If I were dead, it wouldn't have happened. Give yourself a chance....that's all. Promise me you'll think about the inpatient program.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 1:44pm
Christine, I can't do an inpatient program. My ex would take my boys. I can't let that happen. I wish I saw an alternative. I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist maybe she can talk me down off this ledge. Thanks. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 2:17pm

It's only a remote possibility that he could take the boys on a permanent basis. He'd have to take you to court, and the judges would have to grant it. My friend K completely lost it during her divorce. She went through a manic episode, started drinking, taking pills, etc. She went into a treatment program, and the judge was more than happy to grant joint custody because she was getting help.


I have one other question. Why is your ex even telling you about what he's doing on his time, let alone telling you about dates with other women?


Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 4:40pm

Brenda, one thing ran through my mind as I read your post, especially when I came to this part:

<>

The question I'm asking is:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR HUSBAND??? Like Christine said, WHY is he telling you about someone he's going to meet from eHarmony? It sounds as if he's moved on. I know it's painful for you, but it seems to me like your STBX is a selfish, malicious man, who gets a charge out of causing you pain to bolster himself up. Do you need a person like that in your life?

I am not religious either, but perhaps god IS taking care of your needs. When a door closes, a window opens. Sometimes that window is not always what we think we need, OR want for ourselves. PLEASE don't get me wrong, I'm NOT putting you down. The reason I say this is because I saw a guy on Oprah a few weeks ago. He was a tennis star, who was diagnosed with an illness, and at the same time, his father was very ill. Oprah asked him if he'd asked god "why me?". His reply was, "I never did, because when god blesses you, you never ask 'Why me? Why did you give me these wonderful things?'" He went on to say that he felt that his illness had been a gift from god that transformed his life in a great way, because it forced him to slow down and send time with his father.

You have shown great courage and strength, Brenda. There is a light at the end of all this. You CAN get beyond this. We're all here for you.

WICKED GIANT {{{{{ HUGS }}}}}

Avatar for jordan_34
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 5:14pm
First of all, are you seeing a counselor about the feelings you are having? I think that you should. I think that all of us have felt some inadequacies coming out of our divorce. I notice that you speak about God a lot in your post and assume you are a Godly woman. God knows what you need in your life. It is not always about what we want. As you said, He has taken care of you since March '05 and he will continue to do so...on His terms...not yours.
I am glad that you came to the realization that night on your walk that your kids need you. You have to be there for them but you must take care of yourself as well. If you constantly do stuff for others, then you are neglecting yourself and it will catch up with you.
A lot of us here have been through a painful divorce, have been cheated on, and have felt pretty low...at the lowest ever in our life.
I was cheated on and emotionally and mentally abused by ex. I always asked myself why it was happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Poor me, poor me..... I looked at my children, looked at myself in the mirror, and decided to quit being a victim. I had to take back control of my life and move forward. I had put my "everything" into this man and came to "depend" on him too much. I had to take care of myself and be healthy for my children. I never want them to feel that 'full dependency' on anyone in their lives. I want them to be able to depend on someone but not let that rule their life.
Now, since I have BTDT.....I know all this is easier said than done...I still have days where I struggle but you must look into yourself and decide that you have a responsibility to yourself and your children.
hopefully, you can find a counselor or psychiatrist to talk to, so that you can work out the issues that you may have. I wish you all the best and hope things work out and get better. Keep your head up and know that these women here, most likely, know exactly what you are going through.
Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 8:50pm

Hugs to you, Brenda.

I feel your pain. The pain of being abandoned and unappreciated. My husband recently left me for another woman. I have not filed yet, but I guess I will have to. I also still love him even though he treated me unfairly. I am also dying to have a complete family. You should stop blaming or questioning yourself, though. It can only cause you more pain. The way I see this is that our husbands just don't know what they have got. No relationship is perfect. There is no such thing as finding someone and "she is everything I've ever wanted". It is foolish if he thinks that way and he will know one day, if not right away, how about in 10 years? A man who just looks for somewhere else instead of working on a relationship will soon find out that there is no such a thing as a perfect match. Every relationship needs work, no matter who he is with.

I hope you feel better with the help of therapy. I am also seeing a therapist and it does help to clear out the negative thoughts. You will heal better as time goes by. People do and you will too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 9:19pm
I'm so sorry for your pain. But please, don't give up and don't do anything that will hurt you or your children. Can you get someone to stay with you and help you get through this? Please take care...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 10:11pm

Brenda, I am sorry about the pain you are going through. I wish I had some great advice to offer you, but I think Christine already said it.

If you cannot go inpatient, would it be possible to have a close friend or relative come stay with you for a while, get some time off work, and do some intensive outpatient treatment?

Whatever you do, please reach out for serious help. You can make it through this. You WILL make it through.

We're all here for you and care about what happens to you. PLEASE remember how much those kids need their mother and how awful it would be to take that away from them. I've been there myself, and it's the kids that pulled me back from the edge. They need you. You have an important, valuable place in this world, and a cheating ungrateful man is not a good enough reason for you to leave.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 10:17pm

Hey Brenda...

It's good to "see" you again, although, I'm sorry to hear of the troubles you are having... I have to say that I am curious as to why you know the details of your xh's dating activites. This is truly un-necessary information that can only wind up hurting someone (you)...

I'm glad that you have a meeting with your therapist tomorrow and I hope that they can help you, but I do think you do need to consider perhaps working on distancing yourself from your xh a bit... have only the necessary conversations with him... those about the children, for example. Its been a long time for you to be going through all of this pain. We all heal on our own schedules though.

Try to stay strong for your children though. I remember thinking that Joey always cried when I saw him (after xh left)... well, one day I saw Joey when I wasn't crying and I realized that Joey cries when I cry. It still happens today... I was shedding a couple of tears yesterday while Joey was in another room and he came in and saw me crying and immediately got upset and tried his best to make me feel better...

I understand the idea of only ever wanting a family for your children. I am right there with you. I am the product of an unhappy marriage that lasted too long (29 years)--my father is gay--they never should have married. My mother could not give my father what wanted or needed in a partner. All I've ever wanted to give my children was the strong family unit that I that was denied (lots of parental fighting and drinking in my childhood). For this reason, I was devastated when my xh chose to leave... but families these days come in all shapes and sizes... friends can be more like family than true family members... but those that matter are there for you and with you when you need them... you mean the world to your children (and you know that--I don't have to tell it to you) and they would be devastated if anything ever happened to you, especially by your own choice--if you think of the scars they are working on healing now, imagine how much worse they ~could~ be for them. I know you don't want to do that to your children. (And I'm sorry if that sounds blunt...)

You cannot control someone else's actions, especially those of an x. You can only control yourself and your reactions to a situation. Have you read the book IN THE MEANTIME : Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant? I really have enjoyed the book and get something else out of it each time I read it--If you haven't, you may want to check it out.

Don't be a stranger and know that we love you and are here for you! Keep us posted on how you're doing!

*hugs*

Julie

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