Here is my story if anyone is interested

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2014
Here is my story if anyone is interested
6
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 12:01am

Hello,

I posted back on 7 Mar about my husband and I getting a divorce because of his homosexuality.

Dh (dumb husband) and I have been married for almost 17 years. We have 4 children 6-11 years old.

It all started about 6 years ago. Dh was tdy (for those who may not know, that is a military term for out of town on business, lol) when I discovered he had a secret email account. I opened it up to discover gay porn. When I confronted dh about it, he said that it was spam and I believed him. He assured me that everything was fine between us.

A year later, a few months after our cross-country move, I decided to check that same email account, just to see what might be there. I was shocked when I found an email from a male mutual friend of ours. This "friend" was telling dh about a dream he had about him and dh, and he said he couldn't wait to see dh again. I could not believe what I was reading. I really thought it had to be a joke. I actually laughed and thought how ludicrous (sp) it was. Maybe I was in denial that my husband could be having a gay affair. I don't know. At any rate, I decided not to confront him about it.

A few months later, dh and I had sex, during which, dh told me to be careful because he had a sore. I really didn't think much about the sore. A few days later, I got sores as well. I waited another week and a half before going to the doctor. I was diagnosed with herpes. I knew then that he had gone outside our marriage for sexual gratification, because I had only been with him since we started dating almost 13 years before.

The next day, he confessed to going outside our marriage, but didn't actually come out and say that it was with another man, or woman for that matter. But, I knew it was with our male friend.

My first thought was that I wanted a divorce, but didn't think any other man would want me if I did get a divorce. Then I started thinking about suicide, but chose not to attempt it because of the kids.

We pretty much decided that we would try to work things out by going to marriage counseling. We went for 3 months. It helped a little, but it made me realize how hurt and angry I was.

I thought more and more about divorce, but was too afraid to actually get one. I didn't know if I would be able to take care of the kids financially and I didn't want to end up on welfare. I had pretty much decided to put divorce on the back burner for awhile and wait until the kids got older. They were 2-7 years old at the time.

In the meantime, I became more unhappy and miserable in the marriage and even depressed. I kept a lot of things just bottled up inside me.

Last year, I became even more unhappy and depressed and started having more thoughts of suicide. About a year ago, I started planning my suicide, but when I thought about what I would write in my suicide note, I couldn't do it, because I kept thinking about the kids.

One day, last Oct., when dh was tdy, our pastor asked me how I was doing and if everything was ok in the marriage. I just shook my head no and started crying. He had me go back to his office and talk to him and his wife. But, I didn't hear from the pastor what I wanted to hear and after talking to him, I actually felt like I was in a hopeless situation. I felt trapped and that there was no way out.

I started researching suicide methods on the internet. The method I chose was to OD. I researched every drug (prescription and over-the-counter) that we had in our medicine cabinet. I picked the 5 with the worst OD symptoms and planned my suicide for 9 Nov, a few days after my husband returned from his tdy. Right after the kids left for school that day, I got everything ready and started taking the pills, one-by-one. A certain amount I swallowed whole, then the rest I scooped into the alcohol that I was drinking, got a spoon, and was stirring frantically, trying to get them to dissolve as quickly as possible. It seemed to be taking a long time to dissolve the pills and I started thinking about when I was a kid. My mom died when I was 10 years old. Even though I had my step-mother, I was still having a rough time without my mom. I started thinking about what it would be like for my kids, without me being there for them. I said, "I can't do this anymore", and stopped stirring and called the emergency number.

The police and paramedics came. I ended up spending 2 days in the hospital, in the psych. ward. It was good though, because I started getting the treatment that I needed. I'm doing much better now. I'm no longer suicidal and the depression has lifted. I can't say that I'm happy, yet, but I'm on the right road now, with plenty of support from my family.

Back in Jan., my husband and I talked and decided to get a divorce. At the time, I didn't know (or maybe I was just in denial) that he considered himself gay. Until, one night, he went to bed and left his laptop unsecure. I seized the opportunity and stayed up until around 2:30am reading all his email. He had saved messages from last summer. I found out that he has had a few different relationships (sexual in nature) with other men! Not only that, but, he had told his parents, brother and sister that he is gay! I still couldn't believe it! I also found out that he is a member of a homosexual club, and that he had no intentions of telling me that he is gay!

After talking with my therapist, I decided to take her advice and confront him by just coming straight out and asking him, "Are you gay?", which I did around the first of Mar. His response was, "yes".

To be continued...

LOL, sorry, but I'm tired and need to get to bed. I will finish this tomorrow or another day. Yes, there is more, lol!

Thanks for reading!

Carol

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 1:27am
Hugs to you, Carol. I'm glad you didn't go through with your suicide attempt. Your 4 kids need a mother. For myself, suicide is NOT an option as my son's father has terminal cancer whom I took care of last year. STBX filed for divorce this year. Too many reasons to cry about but sometimes it hurts to cry. I need to sleep now. Tomorrow will be another day. Good luck and hear from you soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 11:31am

Come on Carol. That man does NOT deserve one more day of your being suicidal about him and your marriage. I realize it's hard and you were deceived, but he wasn't thinking about you! Your children need you and they need you to be healthy. You're obviously an intelligent woman...so put it to use. Be sure to save money, gather up any information you can get (financial, housekeeping, his internet adventures, medical records, etc.) It's time to protect yourself. You'll feel better if you can make a plan and put it in action.

As for him passing Herpes along, I am sorry for that. I will tell you that my STBX gave me Herpes a year ago (he gets cold sores and he passed the oral kind on to me "down there"). I don't blame him. But my point is....you can get medicine and you are normal. A lot of people have this condition. I only had the one outbreak and nothing since. I actually forget about it. Hmm...guess I need to tell future dating prospects...I don't relish that thought! Anyway, you are still a good person and you need to treat yourself as such. I used to go to a very good website (with a message board) about Herpes. Racoon.com or racoon/herpes.com Something like that....mess around online and look for some sites. You're better off if you're informed. And don't try the snake oil treatments!

Good luck! Jo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 1:25pm

Wow... first of all, I's so glad that YOU'RE OK and that you got help.... don't ever forget where help is if you ever need a little encouragement.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 9:54pm

Hi Carol...

I believe I posted to you in March when you posted initially... I am glad to see you here again. In some ways reading your post was very therapeutic for me, as I am a child of parents who divorced after 29 years of marriage because my father is gay. He did the whole military thing and had an affiar that lasted more than 20 years with a man he met because he was one of his students at the college my father taught at.

While we are certainly in different positions, me the child, you the spouse, I can certainly understand what you're going through and can see some of what my Mom went through in your post as well. I'm so sorry that you wound up catching something as a result of your h's actions... fortunately, my Mom was tested for everything under the sun (and more) and came up clean, but we were definitely concerned...

Sending lots of hugs and wishes for peace to you and your children!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 6:56am

Carol, I think it is wonderful that you had the courage to post your story. It takes a lot to share the intimate details of our darkest moments with others. Many of us can relate to your feelings of desperation, depressing, feeling trapped, etc. I think your story was inspiring. It shows people that you CAN survive this, no matter how desperate the situation is.


Please share the rest of your story when you are able. We're here to listen.




How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
- Anne Frank

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:32pm
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Know that you have the support of this board. I think it is better to be alone than to be in an unhappy marriage whereby you can contract alot of other diseases. You also have the health of your children to consider and whether your DH would pass anything onto them (through saliva ect). I have nothing against homosexuals (I have a few gay friends), however, when a man is putting his family at risk due to his extramarital affairs (with a man or a woman), then this is a big problem and has to be dealt with.