Here We Go Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Here We Go Again
1
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 4:01pm

I don't think I'm angry or unhappy, but there wasn't an emoticon for being totally stressed out!

My ex is just driving me crazy! He was supposed to watch our dd tonight while I go to one evening class, but he's backed out again at the last minute! He started arguing with me again (over the phone) about not getting to spend any time with her. I was completely baffled! Everytime he's supposed to get her, he backs out or has something important/better to do! He's bullying me into letting him keep her Sunday night thru Tuesday night, so I decided I wasn't going to fight with him about it anymore. Technically I don't have to let her go at all until the divorce papers arrive but I'm trying to be reasonable. I let our dd stay over with him at least one night a week plus during the day time when I go to class. My ex just hasn't wanted to have her. I figure by letting him keep her for 2 days he'll get his fill and probably wind up calling me to come get her like he always does.

I'm also on good terms with his step-mom and he yelled at me to stop talking to her. He basically told me that he doesn't want his stepmom and dad watching our dd when he is not there! Well...to bad for him! I want my baby to have a relationship with his family and if they are willing to watch her when they can, then why not?!

I'm just stressed...especially since my baby will be gone for 2 entire days! That will be the longest time I have ever been away from her! I swear, I go out of my mind when she's not around....but maybe this is for the best. I mean, I'm going to have to let her go for extended periods sooner or later....just nervous I guess!

Why does he have to be like this? He just wants to fight me! I'm so tired of it all....I'm just ready to have some kind of normal, co-parenting life with this man, and he is making it virtually impossible. He can't even be in the same room with me without causing some type of conflict, and usually in front of our dd. Which, in that case, I always have to either take her to another room so we can finish the "so called conversation," or leave if his language and behavior gets really bad. I don't want to subject my daughter to violent episodes....I just don't know what to do or enteract with this guy....

Help!
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 4:25pm

I know there are some books out there on this. I think there is one that is something like Joint Custody with a Jerk, and there might be some on the board website. There are so many people who have been in this type of situation, and many who have written about it, learning from others is easier then figuring it out all on your own from scratch.

Are you documenting each time he cancels a visit? You don't want to have him use this in court. It's easy to say "she never lets me see my child" but if you have emails and a log book that shows he canceled, the date and time, and the reason he gave, then his words will have very little weight (even if he tries this years down the road, you'll be glad you have that documentation).

I know how hard it is to be away from your child. Is he a good father when he is with her? All that matters is that she feels he cares about her, and if she has that, she will be fine. I never feel bad when my dd is with her dad. She needs that time and it's so important. I wish so much I had a father that would have wanted more time with me. I know it's better for me that I am with dd, but it's better for her to be with both of us. When I'm missing her a lot I just remind myself of that. I am doing what is in her best interests even though it's hard sometimes. Plus, nothing is as hard as it was to not see her last Christmas morning/day. Thank goodness that will happen only every other year.

I hope that as time passes, you and he will have a more stable routine. It's harder to have to negotiate every visit. When he sets up time for a visit, try asking him if it is set in stone and can your dd count on seeing him, or is this a tentative plan (not in a snotty way, but just matter-of-fact). If he cancels, don't let it get into an argument (if he starts one, just refuse to participate), and say something like "oh, ok, dd will be disappointed when are you going to make it up to her?" That way it's about dd and not about you. It's hard when him changing the plans impacts your schedule, but my feeling is that if he knows he's making it hard on you he will keep doing it, if he see's it's his dd that is being put out by his cancellation, it's a little harder to justify. You can also try saying something like "oh, well I'm kind of glad because I wanted to have her this weekend anyway" which will point out that time with dd is valuable and he's missing out when he cancels. Or if you feel he's calling you and might cancel, just interject "DD was just talking about how excited she is to see you tonight." I forget if your dd is younger, but this could work as she gets older. And once she reaches a certain age, he should be the one to tell her he's not coming, not let you be the bad guy.

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