Heres a good question

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Heres a good question
11
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 4:29pm

I was just thinking today of how dysfunctional my husbands family is and wondering why I just didnt run for the hills in the beginning. H has issues and is astranged from parents. They unfortunately are not good people and put him and his brother thru heck when they had marital issues while the boys were growing up. My family was the opposite. I was just wondering if this had anything to do with our issues.

Was your h,stbx or xs family life functional or dysfunctional?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 9:57pm

Yes.


My X's mother found X's dad cheating on her with one of his students ( he is a college professor ) they separated when XH was 3. XH has a sister who was "allowed" to live with dad and XH was made to live with mom and her new husband. XH's dad got married again to a woman he was married to for 20 years. Then left her for someone else. Mom is also divorced from second husband... cheating also. XH's dad is now on his 3rd wife and XH's mom is single, but dated a married man for years.


XH is 29 years old. Been married and divorced twice and is working on his third marriage.


XH was hurt that he could not live with his dad. Dad's wife said no. Dad agreed. XH was rejected by dad. XH only got called once a year by dad and they only saw each other when Dad wanted XH to help him with physical labor. Never had a stable life.


Idk why I didn't run for the hills either. I am thankful that he gave me 2 beautiful kids, even if the relationship was doomed from the start. I did love him, but god his family life and instability in his own life should have shown me the light...


Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:20am
STBX's family are all nuts. Check out my postings on the Dealing With In-Laws board. My in-laws are all crazy alcoholics with more than their share of seriosu emotional issues. I also wonder why I didn't bail out before I married STBX, but was was very young (18), and really didn't have a clue.


Edited 6/27/2005 10:21 am ET ET by susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 2:06pm

Ex's family - yep, I should've run for the hills the first day I met them. I fooled myself into believing my ex had somehow escaped his upbringing to be normal. Turned out he was the most emotionally disturbed of the bunch (and that's really saying something). If I'd been a little older and wiser I would have seen it - he acted much like the worst attributes I did see in his parents but didn't recognize in him until later.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 5:45pm
Oh yes. STBX's family are STRANGE. I knew that, but still went willingly (I musta been strange myself). They are very narcissistic and they are also conspiracy theorists - the world is out to get them. I thought it would be fine, I thought I had "rescued" stbx from them before he picked up too many of their habits, but boy was I wrong. He doesn't know how to communicate, and neither does his family. Their main mode of communication was yelling. And they condoned stbx's lying & affairs, even covered for him (he said he was at their house, but when I called they said he was out with his brother). I think you can learn a lot from a person's family relationships. Maybe not everything, and certainly it is not written in stone, but it can sometimes give some foreshadowing. But really, it comes down to hindsight being perfect, doesn't it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 5:55pm
OMG Sang! That is completely what I did - I rationalized that because he and I started dating young, (he was 18), that my influence had helped him to escape their influence! LOL! And then as the traits came out, I dismissed them as different and even blamed myself. But now I see it - they are all alike! It's scary! The whole family should be banned from reproducing, trust me! I wanted to believe he was different, so I saw him different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 8:31am

Lol - I said very much the same things to myself. A person can overcome a bad upbringing, but only if that person wants to do so. My ex instead preferred to blame his family, me, the world around him for everything that went wrong in his life - he couldn't actually take responsibility for any of his own choices. That's one of the first things I'd look at in a prospective partner - when things go wrong does he play the blame game, or does he actually act like an adult. So I guess I have learned something!

-sang

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 10:25am

Sang--

Were we married to the same man? LOL My husband prefers to blame everyone else for our being in the process of divorce... Of course the reason is because I have someone else lined up (Not true), his family interfered (the just inject their issues), he drinks because of the kids (he drank before I even met him)... He's still in denial, and wants to get it on with me every time I see him. Blechh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 10:35am

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I have learned to accept my own responsibility in things rather than blaming everyone else.


My X does it, to this day. Only it's ALWAYS my fault.... he could win a million dollars and instead of being happy that he won he would

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 10:46am

Lol, seems like a lot of us were married to the same guy. My ex was like that at first, but once I got a backbone and told him to forget it he gave up. Except for once I had something wrong with my car and I asked him to look at it because my friend who usually helps me out wasn't around. Ex offered to help me out with the car and "trade me for sex." That was a new low, even for him. Of course, he was "just kidding."

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 10:49am

I totally agree, it's important to recognize and own your own mistakes so you can learn from them and not repeat the old patterns in new relationships. But just remember not to place too much blame on yourself - even if you'd been the perfect wife, your ex still made his share of mistakes. If he won't own them and learn from them, you're right, he's not setting himself up for a happy future.

-sang

Pages