Heres where we are in this sad mess ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Heres where we are in this sad mess ...
3
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:33am

I spoke with my atty Monday. At least I do feel he is on the same page as us with the severity of STBX’s mental illness issues & instability. I was concerned maybe he wouldnt agree, but he does.


He sent the GAL a copy of my email to him with my concerns, & attatched was a copy of the counselors letter from the Womens Resource center (which the GAL already has & ignored from a week ½ ago) & a copy of the latest emails from X saying he never wanted to see Averey again. The atty basically requested that she "investigate this apparent refusal to visit with his daughter &/o deal with his wife with respect to the issues of parenting their child". I wasnt thrilled that he didn’t put in his concerns about Avereys safety with him, but i suppose a GAL & a judge don’t care about HIS concerns, just like they don’t seem to care about mine. But hopefully the therapists concerns will carry the weight. My atty said the GAL needs to be "convinced, if not cajoled, into either evaluating this herself or getting someone else to do it". I thought, b/c he said that to me, that he would be a bit more "forceful" ? in his letter to her, but he knows what’s best i guess. So, I am assuming at this point i will be interviewed again by the GAL. I hope anyway.


Today I met with Averey counselor, L, from WRC today & for the 1st time I was with Averey during her session (at Averey’s request) today. Began session with relaxation technique for kids (she has developed anxiety, stomache aches & even shortness of breath at times). Then we did a sand box excercise with making a "safe place"in the sand. Averey worked a LONG time & finally explained it was a house, with a party - then she changed it to being "Heaven". She talked of it being beautiful & warm & blue. There are pictures of God on the wall. When you go there, if you were a mean person or bad to people b4 you died, once you were in Heaven, you got forgiven & you weren’t mean to anyone anymore. She then said Gramma Lisa (my Mom, died almost 2 yrs ago) & Paka (our cat who died a few months ago) were there in Heaven. We talked about the Rainbow bridge & your animals waiting to cross to Heaven with you. She said no one is sick there or old. She asked me if you "had birthday parties in Heaven" (of course!, I said) & if you got old in Heaven? I said I thought you stayed the same age as when you got there, but you were healthy & happy. She talked of Thayer who was 2 yrs old & died of cancer recently. & how his Mom saying that in Thayer’s last days he enjoyed watching Averey play with his big brother - Averey said that "made her happy, that he felt happy to see her when he was so sick". She also said she wouldn’t go to Heaven & die until she was really old, but she was excited one day to go there b/c it was such a beautiful nice place to be.


Afterwards, we spoke of her wanting to call her Dad. Her whole demeanor changed & her little face became so flat - afraid, sad. Her eyes welled up. She kept repeating that she missed her Daddy, that she wanted to call him on the phone, wanted to sleep over, & doesn’t know why its been so long since she saw her Daddy (its been a little over a week with no contact) & why "no one will let me call him". (for the 1st time ever I am not letting her call him b/c if she does, 2 things may happen - he may ask to take her on his visitation & I don’t feel its safe at ALL. Or more likely, he will say something very mean or hurtful to her, & in her emotional state right now, she needs to be protected from him - & he told me point blank he wants "nothing to do with her anymore, ever again"- she has NO idea about his saying that & of course, I would never tell her that). She kept peeking up at me & I had a hard time not crying for her - you can SEE the pain on her face. L asked her "Do you know why your Mommy is asking you not to call your Dad right now?" & she said "No!" L said "Why don’t you ask your mom", & Averey did. I explained "Remember how once you & L talked about sometimes when an adult is having a hard time, they don’t act like themselves? Or maybe not even the person you remember them to be? Well, right now Daddy is having a really hard time & he isn’t acting like himself. I don’t want you to talk to him right now b/c Mommy knows Daddy well & she knows that when he is having a really hard time like he is, sometimes its not good to be around him". She cried, saying "But I miss him so much. I want my Daddy, I want Didi! (Her nickname for him). I don’t understand how come its been so long & no one will let me call him!" I reminded her that she told me last nite she wanted to call him & she was "afraid if she didn’t call him, he would be mad b/c she hadn’t called". (as he has been in the past since he refuses to call her, but is upset with her if she doesn’t call him every day). She said yes, she remembered that. I told her that I thought that Daddy wouldn’t really be able to talk much b/c he wasn’t feeling well & that again, he was having a very hard time & Mommy feels its better right now, until the "judges helper" (that what she calls the GAL) decides what is best for her & Daddy". L then said "Averey, is there anything that you could do, maybe instead of calling Dad right now, to make yourself feel better? B/c right now Mommy knows best what is safe for you, & even if you don’t understand it, & I know it’s a really hard thing for a kid to understand, Mommy is right about what is safe for you & until we see how Daddy is doing, & he is feeling better, we will have to think of some other things you can do to let him know you are thinking of him, while we are all keeping you safe". Averey calmed down a little then & said she would like to make him a picture, make a card, buy a present for him & send him an email video - if she cant call him or see him. So we all agreed she could do that.


So, I am awaiting the GAL’s move. See if she calls to speak to me. Or Averey. Or anything at all. I wont know if she speaks to X unless he calls me freaking out about it. Its sort of scary for him to be keeping this distance. The only time he ever would or did b4 was with the restraining order. Its un-nerving to not know what he is thinking .... or doing. Whether its danger to us or to himself, its disturbing. He needs help & I just don’t think he will seek it out. & the only way it can be forced would be for him to really do something scary. & if there is even ONE further incident of his harassing me via phone, text, etc, I will file a police report & get a RO. But for him to abandon his child like this, who is really all he has lived for, is - I don’t know - shocking. & the way he has treated her the last months even worse. I have NO question that I am doing what I must, to protect her, at the very least, emotionally. In reality, I am in contempt of court for not letting her call him, but since I have tried every "legal" channel to protect her, to no avail at this point, I am doing what I feel is my only choice for her. As for visitation, he has, in B&W, told me he doesn’t want her. If he calls, I wont answer, that way I am covered if he is calling to take her. He already missed the "deadline" this week to notify me if he was to take her for Wed eve, so I am alright there. I have notified the school that she is NOT to leave with him without calling me 1st. But legally, he cant be stopped at this point. & that is scaring the hell out of me. Hopefully I wont have to wait long for an answer to all this. Even if its not the answer I want for her safety, at least I would know, & SHE would know, where this all stands.


Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers & concern, Sorry this is so long. Too many thoughts! R~

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Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 1:07pm

Just sending (((((hugs)))) your way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 6:01pm

The thing to remember at this point is that he's not calling... he's not trying to arrange to see her.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 10:10pm

Rebecca,

You and Averey continue to be in my thoughts and prayers... sending lots of hugs your way!

Julie