He's breaking my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
He's breaking my heart
6
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 2:57pm

I have known I had to leave for a very long time. I keep saying that because I don't want anyone to think I made a hasty decision. I was very unhappy in my marriage and numerous attempts failed to change that.

I made my decision. We're separated 7 weeks now. I haven't filed for divorce. I was hoping he would come to terms with it and we could calmly go our separate ways. We also needed to work out some financial problems and it took a while to decide how to handle it.

He asked me over and over again why and has tried many times to get me to change my mind. I felt like I was kicking him repeatedly with my NO's and my explanations of why. Eventually, I tired of answering the same questions again and again and stopped answering his emails and calls entirely.

Now we are in a holding pattern. But I need to get this over with. Ever since I stopped answering his messages, they grew more frequent. From once a day to twice a day. Begging, pleading, promising to change... although more and more he seems to forget what brought me to this decision in the first place. He's already forgetting why I was so miserable. He thinks things were wonderful and doesn't believe I could possibly be unhappy with him.

The begging and pleading is breaking my heart. I can see the pain in his words. But the sad truth is I do not want to be with him anymore. I can't love him. If I ever went back, it would be to stop the begging. Not because I wanted to. I can't even go back "for the kids." Why should I suffer any longer??? Just because I don't want to hurt the man who had NO PROBLEM hurting my feelings time and time again with his insults and accusations. Not to mention bullying me into believing in the things he thought I should. Things that went against everything I do believe in. I WILL NOT GO BACK!

Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't he accept that NO is my answer? Why does he persist? I'd rather he be angry and hateful with me now. The begging... writing hearts on boxes with my belongings in them... the emails... the "I love you" and "I miss you" messages. It's all SO VERY painful to see. All I want is for him to accept this and move on with his life. I am not going to change my mind.

I can't tell him what I'm doing yet, because I need to hear from my lawyer. But each day it gets worse. I want to blow up at him and tell him to back off. I want to tell him it's not MY fault he refuses to believe me when I say NO. He's torturing himself. Why won't he stop? Because he loves me??? Well, he should have thought about that before trying to control me and insult me and push me around. Only to "make it better" by buying things or cooking and cleaning. Well let me tell you that DOES NOT make it better. I won't live like that anymore. The thought of him touching me disgusts me anymore. It has for a long time. I just want him to go away. Why does he have to make it so painful?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 8:41pm
wow. This is my first post. I logged on here to find a similar situation to me and I found it. I am disapointed no one has responded yet because I would love to know what a response would be. I read your post and could have sworn it was me writing it. I can't divorce him but can't go back. Here's hoping you find the strength you need and I as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 9:03pm

My STBX did the same thing that your husband is doing. Don't worry because in time he will get real angry and will go from sadness to madness. We were in counseling and our therapist said to my STBX that all he could think about was himself. Never once did he ask me how I was feeling or what it was that I wanted. Your husband sounds selfish too. If you go back, he'll go back to the way he was. Has he ever really asked you how you're doing through all this? Or is he too selfish to think about your feelings?

Hang in there.

Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:52am

Pr;

My heart goes out to you!!

I'm in a similar situation. I fled in April 2006, and am presently living with my SO, a wonderful, patient, loving man.

I have a PPO out on my stbx, so I cannot and will not talk to him. No phone calls, no emails, no conversations, no personal visits. I have 4 boys, and they continually tell me that he still loves me. I keep thinking "how can he think that THAT was love?"

I've been there done that with the controlling nature. I know now, especially being with the man that I'm with now, what REAL love is. I can only tell you when you cross that path, it will be so terrific!!

You're right. Having a stbx that won't let you go is awful!! The stress sometimes seems to just overwhelm me. Just know that this is a phase of divorce. I found that out after reading numerous books, talking with friends who have gone through divorce, and of course, here at ivillage on this wonderful board.

Just keep taking care of yourself. Eat, rest, journal if you like. Writing it all down in black and white has gotten me to see just how bad things were. You deserve to be happy. Healthy. Having kids in a divorce complicates things. We have to be there for our kids, my stbx has custody-loooong story, so I don't get to see my kids everyday. That was the hardest part for me. Leaving them. But . . . looking back, I know that if I hadn't left, my kids wouldn't have had a Mom at all!!!

Leaving him was the best decision that I have ever made. After 23 years in an awful marriage, I'm having to re-learn how to deal with life. The only suggestion that I have is to take it one day at a time. Deal with what comes up, vent when you have to, and know that you're in a better place!!!

Remember, that we're all here!!!

Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 4:24pm

I'm relieved to hear from people on my side of the issue. A lot of people are the ones being left. The "leavers" are selfish and insensitive. Now I am the leaver and feel pegged as the selfish and insensitive one because I won't negotiate with STBX anymore.

I too feel pain. I feel guilt. But I also know why I need to leave. I feel a loss at closing the 14 year chapter that was our relationship and subsequent marriage. However, I wish he could let me go and find happiness elsewhere. I am at peace with my decision to leave him. I feel no doubts. Just sadness and guilt over his pain. Even though he never really cared about my pain. He still doesn't really.

I will get divorced. Even if it takes two years (as he threatens to not sign the papers.) It's only a matter of time. Our marriage was unhappy for me. He was oblivious to it. He was happy. And THAT, my friends, is why this is so hard.

But I have to remember it is not my fault that he was oblivious. He chose to treat me with disrepect and he chose to seek sollace in a bottle. He also chose not to take my pleas for help and counseling over the years seriously. Whatever his choices going forward are not my problem anymore. I no longer care if he is serious about counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 2:29pm

Pr;

None of the people that I called my friends understand why I left. Specifically why I left my boys. They've asked, "why didn't you come to me earlier". Looking back on my relationships, not one of those people who are so quick to judge, would not have been there. My SO gave me a safe place to live, a life filled with love and respect, the ability to heal and put myself back together.

I kow that my stbx will always blame someone else for the collapse of our marriage. That's his nature. That's how he was raised, and now that he is the only parent over there, he's just twisting them into mini-hims. I cannot stand it!!

I filed once before, over 13 years ago!! But . . . his alcoholic atty found a loophole in our equity line that we had on our house. If there was a divorce, the plaintiff would have 30 days after the finalization of the divorce to come up with the entire balloon payment, which was around $30,000! We had spent almost 7 years with him home 24/7 due to
a broken back. We were sooo deep in debt, and with the injury he had changed. He's become such an awful person. That time was very easy compared to this one. He won't give up!!

Well, I hope you are doing well!!

Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2006
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 4:32pm

I'm going through the same thing right now, and I can relate to a lot of the things you said in your previous posts. My stbx wanted to separate in the beginning, but I have ended up being the leaver, so I get the guilt. He has said he's the type to commit suicide over this, he says he's changed and is changing, makes beautiful promises about our future if we stayed together, tells me I'm the love of his life. It's so very hard to hear, as if the whole ordeal wasn't hard enough as it is. I get text messages and long e-mails every day, that I don't respond to anymore, because there's nothing more to say. It all seems like too much, too late.

Just want to let you know that you're not the only one going through this. What helps me after a difficult conversation, or after reading an email from my stbx, is to talk with good friends or family about it. Good friends, that are supportive of me as a person, without judging anything or anyone.

I wish you good luck...I imagine things won't get easier right away, but I'm convinced that the future must be brighter for both of us.