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He's dating
| Sun, 06-10-2007 - 6:30pm |
Why does this bother me?
The kids just came home from visiation talking about daddy's date tonight. We've been separated for not even 2 1/2 months and he's moved on. Why can't I?
I know, I know, he was the one who planned it so he was probably looking before he left. Still, it bothers me that he's dating and I'm nowhere near ready to date. On the plus side, this is the final nail. In my mind, we still had a marriage vow. Now we don't.

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I totally agree and understand...I've been in a "weird" separated state for 1 1/2 years. He still lives in the house (different rooms), but only part of the year. We've tried to keep everything as "normal" as possible for the sake of the kids, who have, so far, not really been affected by any of it.
What drove us to this state of separation to begin with was his tendency to "date" anyway, and for a long time, the anger about it was enough to keep me sane. But now, so long separated, we're good friends. I was doing ok until last week he informed me that he's dating someone who lives in another state, "nothing serious." I've been depressed and moody ever since...the green eyed monster has reared its ugly head. Why should I care?
I think we'd always left the door open to reconcile, and he waited until I brought it up to tell me about the "other woman." So...that was it, as you said "the final nail" and no more marriage vow. This break up thing is really tough.
I don't know about you but I feel as though I'm getting the short end of the stick. I do most of the child care, while he travels and gets to meet someone new. I think I'm really mad about that. He says, "You'll meet someone through the things you enjoy." Yeah, right, when? What guy is looking at a woman in her 30s with two little kids in tow? I feel pretty alone and isolated, which is why I've turned to iVillage: to make some new friends and connections.
Wow! I came on to write almost the same thing!!! I don't post really, but get so much support here from all the stories and words of advice. I found out that my XH is dating as well. He's been out of the house since XMAS and finally went to court on May 11th. Not even 2 weeks later (as far as I know) he was "talking" to her. The bst way I could put it is that I'm not jealous of him...I know it was coming at some point, but I'm jealous of what he has and I don't. I'm so lonely and miserable, yet he was the cause of all this pain. He's living like a king at his parents house, comes and goes when he pleases, has tons of new friends, is always out, sees the kids whenever he wants...he has it all! And me??? I'm mom. That's it. I have no friends, very little support, no social life...I'm still in pain...I'm still mourning the loss of our marriage and goes to show how little he cares to be able to move on so quickly. Then again, he was dating while we were still married, so I guess nothing changes, huh!? Just one more hurt. All I know...as I'm sure you are as well, is that I'm the best mom I can be right now...will take care of them and be for them and do for them all that I can. I will make sure they will be fine. I will make sure they come first. And, now that I have daggers in my heart, I will allow myself the time to have me come first once in a while. I'm getting into counseling and will be joining a divorce support group at a local church. I'm still in the process of finding a good book to read about the emotional aftermath of a divorce, how to pick up the pieces and move on...better than ever. Any suggestions, anyone?? I'm putting my foot down and devising more of a visitation schedule with him so I have some time to myself and can make plans if I so chose to!! I'm trying...as are you!! You and I both will make it through this...we have no choice, right!!! (((hugs))) to you and your tough night...you will be in my thoughts!
Karie
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For me his moving on hurt so much because it seemed to diminish what we had. That he could so easily just pick up with someone else made me feel as if what we had after ten years meant so little to him.
In the end, I try to keep my attention on my own life. I realize that he is trying to fill some hole with another person while I am trying to fill my life with me and figure that at some point love will follow.
I have no idea if that helps but I am thinking of you.
Talk about a confusing day. We ended yesterday with my sending him an email about his letting the girls know he's dating. We end today with him deciding to go into counseling. That date must have gone REALLY BADLY.
He's an emotional train wreck today. Says he took the day off of work to do some soul searching. He sent me an email appologizing for everything. Ok, I am on a freaking roller coaster. A month ago he was writing nasty letters and out for blood. And now we've gone from him moving on to someone else to crying in his coffee in less than 24 hours. I'm guessing this is the crisis our marriage counselor said to expect.
Surprisingly, I suggested he go into counseling with our old marriage counselor and he's going. THUNK (sound of me hitting the floor because this is a man who NEVER admits he's even remotely responsible for our marriage problems.)
I expected him to crawl back into a six pack when the crisis hit. I never thought he'd agree to counseling instead. I don't know what good it will do as his current sobriety is most likely just window dressing for the court and I'd have to be pretty sure the drinking isn't coming back to reconcile.
So now what do I do? Continue with the divorce or wait and see? The only good time in our marriage was a time when we were involved with a church and he wasn't drinking much. It's been so long since he was sober I'm not even sure what he's like sober.
I said I'd never take him back, more because of the things he's done sober than when he's drinking and here I am considering it. It's like a fog is lifting for him after 8 weeks of no beer. I can actually talk to him and don't feel like I'm talking to an 8 year old. I've also learned that chronic drinkers suffer from dry drunk syndrome when they're not drinking. They can act just as badly "sober" as they do when they're drinking. Not drinking does not equal sober for them. It can take weeks/months for them to start thinking right after they quit drinking. Which explains some of the things he's done.
So, do I wait it out and see what life is like with him sober? What if I do and it turns out to be just as bad? What if I don't and he realy does clean up his act and turns out to be a nice guy?
I feel like I'm in the Exorcist and my head is spinning around. Oh boy. This would be so much easier if we didn't have kids.
Edited 6/11/2007 7:05 pm ET by gr8fulmom1
One of the things that threw me for a loop was that HE said he needs to work his problems out with us apart. He seems to realize he can't both work on his problems and a reconciliation at the same time. Which tells me this is not a game.
I expected an attempt at a reconciliation because he's not getting his way. He didn't get the custody arrangement he wanted and he didn't get the child support arrangement he wanted. Plus he's finding it awfully lonely living by himself.
This is not what I expected. Just him agreeing he needs counseling is a big deal but he's actually admitting things I never thought he would such as needing to work out his issues on his own even though he's finding living on his own very difficult.
I emailed my lawyer and told him that I just don't feel right pushing the divorce if he's trying to get his act together. I'm going to kill my custody case here but sometimes you have to do what is right. Besides, if my kids come out of this with a sober dad, no matter where he lives, it's a good thing.
gr8
<<<<<<>>>>>>>> or maybe not..............
beware of this. an alcoholic just doesn't stop being an alcoholic. its an illness that requires constant monitoring on the part of the afflicted.
i recommend going over to the alcohol problems board and reading some of the advice posted there. these people have the facts down on alcoholism. i found it to be the most helpful board on ivillage.
good luck.
what
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