He's in denial

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
He's in denial
14
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 8:43am
I told my H of 11 years that we're not compatable and we should divorce. I stated all the reasons going back to when we were planning our wedding and he didn't stand up for me or support me. I also told him over 2 years ago that I wasn't happy and we should go to therapy, he refused and avoided the situation. He's selfish, unsupportive, doesn't communicate and our sex life has always been horrible. I met and fell in love with an amazing man and had an 'emotional' affair, no sex. He made me realize what was lacking in my marriage and most importantly, he made me realize what I wanted from a mate. I am no longer in contact with him, but I would like to find another man like him one day when I'm free. Anyway, I told my H about wanting a divorce and he won't accept it. He keeps crying and begging me to give him another chance. I told him he had so many chances in the past and he said that he didn't think I was serious before. Anyway, there is no hope, I don't have those feelings for him and I even told him so, he refuses to accept that. (I never told him about the other guy and I don't ever want to, too hurtful.) I know I have to be strong and stick to my guns, but I feel badly and I can't stand the crying and the begging. I know I'm doing the right thing and me and my kids will be so much better off. I have a lawyer and I'm going to just go ahead with it. It's really hard because he's still living in the house and telling me he loves me and kissing me. Please give me some words of wisdom. I'm so stressed and I can't sleep at night!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:13am

You have to do what is right for you. Your children will be happier with you happy than with you miserable.


Take care of you. He will get over things in due time.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:06pm
You're right, my kids will be better off with a happy mom instead of a miserable one.
Thanks!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:34pm

"I stated all the reasons going back to when we were planning our wedding and he didn't stand up for me or support me. I also told him over 2 years ago that I wasn't happy and we should go to therapy, he refused and avoided the situation. He's selfish, unsupportive, doesn't communicate and our sex life has always been horrible."

Well these are all things that don't necesarily affect kids. They don't care if your sex life is horrible. They will care about their father crying as he leaves their home, they will never forget it. This decision is yours, and I know you have thought about it a long time. But sometimes I can't help myself... that "I must be happy" thing sounds a bit flippant, a kind of denial of all the trials you will face in these next years.

Just be careful. Be smart. Take good care of yourself, and those poor kids. I will cross my fingers they don't get a step-mom who wishes they were never born.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 6:20pm
It seems to me like you have an amazing opportunity to possibly salvage your marriage.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 7:40am
Yes, he's begging so I have this amazing chance to work on my marrige on my terms.....If I don't love him and we're not compatible then what's there to work on? So maybe you think I'm being selfish b/c some of the reasons I stated where no sex life and he being unsupportive of me and you think that I'm going to hurt my kids by putting that stuff first, but if he doesn't make me feel good about myself and he doesn't show support in front of the kids, what does kind of role model will I be toward my kids? They see a mom who was unhappy and think that it's ok for a woman to be just a housekeeper and nanny? I want to show them that I have more to offer than that. I want to show them what it's like to be in a happy, healthy relationship so they know how to have one when they're adults. People don't change. My H is a selfish baby who needs me to take care of him and that would be fine if he also took care of me other than just with $$$. If those feelings of love aren't there, they aren't there and I can't see at this point in my life wasting more time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 8:17am

Maybe my sex life doesn't affect my kids, but their father treating me as a housekeeper and a nanny does. The fact that he's unsupportive and selfish (he gets his fishing gear in order and forgets to feed the kids lunch)also affects my kids.

If my kids see him cry, that's a reason to stay with him??? What about an unhappy mother?My dad left my mom and let me tell it was the best thing for us! If my mom cried, I don't rememeber it all, but I do remember her becoming a strong and independent woman, a woman I totally respect and admire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 9:44am
Who is crying more is not the issue here. What is the issue is whether or not you think your marriage is worth saving. Not for the kids, not for him, FOR YOU! My only advice is that you don't think that the emotional affair is the answer to all your prayers...grass is greener effect. Putting him aside and take a HARD look at your marriage and your life and ask yourself "Is there anything, one shred of hope that this marriage can survive?" If you can honestly say no, then my advice is to tell your H that and either you or him move out and begin the separation/divorce process. If you can honestly say yes, then my advice to you is to call a therapist and get working on your marriage. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 9:56am

It is really hard at the beginning. We have been struggling for many years. My husband is the smartest person I know. He can be so funny and clever. He will give you the shirt off his back. But he is also angry and lashes out. He does not like my family and makes me choose all the time. He has not worked steadily ever. We were really rocky about 4 years ago and I agreed to sell our house and move into his dream house, thinking it would help. It didn't, and he lost his job after that. I have been supporting us in this house I never wanted and we can't afford. I have been trying and trying to get him to work on issues. He has changed a lot, and he grew apart from me, we didn't grow as a couple. No matter what I did or said, he didn't try to grow toward or with me.

I finally admitted I was truly miserable. Felt trapped and resentful. I confronted him and he felt the same way. So we decided we are divorcing. This was a month ago.

We are living in the house til it sells. It's been neglected the past 4 years and needed some work for us to get a decent price. (this is our only asset, and we want to make it count). We have been working our tails off getting it ready for market and shoudl be ready in 2 weeks.

I have a lot of guilt and regret. He's not been physically abusive to me, and marriage counseling has helped us learn how to "fight" and get through issues. But that's all we do. There are very few good and happy times. And I want more than that in my life. I know people used to stay together like this, when divorce wasn't as easy to come by and was stigmatized. I've worked so hard on this marriage and tried to overcome a lot of history between us. It is not easy.

I think you are right. Your children will be better off with a happy mom. So will mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 10:05am

I think that what gettinbye is saying is that she is unhappy with herself which I may have overlooked when I initially responded.


I am a big advocate for people making themselves happy. You cannot rely on someone else to make you happy. You said yourself that your husband does not make you feel good about yourself. You also said something about being a maid and nanny. Well, maybe those things bother you because your not happy with you.


I know from personal experience that being unhappy with yourself makes it utterly impossible for your partner to be happy and WANT to be there with you and WANT to help you with housework and taking care of the kids. Your mood, vibe, whatever you want to call it makes it unbearable to even talk, let alone have sex.


I would suggest a trial separation. Take time to work on YOU. Take time to learn how to live again. Take time to learn that maybe being alone is not the answer..........


Hugs to you and good luck,


Angelena






iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 10:28am

Understandably, after years of trying to improve your relationship and being basically ignored you would have built up a lot of resentment for your H and have lost much of your loving feelings. Have you fully explored your feelings (such as in therapy) to feel sure that under that resentment you don't still have any loving feelings remaining that would make giving this another chance worthwhile? If not, I would encourage you to do so to be certain the divorce is the right thing.

If you are certain, I just wanted to say that I don't think you're being selfish. If you have been miserable in the marriage for a long time and can't see a chance of that changing with another try at it, then I don't see how it's beneficial for anyone for you to stay in the marriage.

As for his denial, try to keep in mind that while you've probably been thinking about this for a long time, for him the thought that your marriage is over is a new one. Although you may feel it shouldn't be unexpected due to your history, since he didn't take it seriously before, it's suddenly a shockingly serious issue he's got to deal with. It could take him some time to start truly accepting that there's no going back. I don't recall you saying how long it's been since you brought up divorce, but you should expect it may take him weeks or even months to accept this. If your decision is made, the best thing you can do for everyone is to start distancing yourself from your H and start making plans for the separation/divorce. Try to do it with as much sensitivity as you can, as minimizing resentment on his part will make the divorce process and future interactions more amicable. Be gentle but firm when he begs and pleads, so that you're as easy on his feelings as you can be without giving him false hope.

-sang

Pages