He's in denial

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
He's in denial
14
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 8:43am
I told my H of 11 years that we're not compatable and we should divorce. I stated all the reasons going back to when we were planning our wedding and he didn't stand up for me or support me. I also told him over 2 years ago that I wasn't happy and we should go to therapy, he refused and avoided the situation. He's selfish, unsupportive, doesn't communicate and our sex life has always been horrible. I met and fell in love with an amazing man and had an 'emotional' affair, no sex. He made me realize what was lacking in my marriage and most importantly, he made me realize what I wanted from a mate. I am no longer in contact with him, but I would like to find another man like him one day when I'm free. Anyway, I told my H about wanting a divorce and he won't accept it. He keeps crying and begging me to give him another chance. I told him he had so many chances in the past and he said that he didn't think I was serious before. Anyway, there is no hope, I don't have those feelings for him and I even told him so, he refuses to accept that. (I never told him about the other guy and I don't ever want to, too hurtful.) I know I have to be strong and stick to my guns, but I feel badly and I can't stand the crying and the begging. I know I'm doing the right thing and me and my kids will be so much better off. I have a lawyer and I'm going to just go ahead with it. It's really hard because he's still living in the house and telling me he loves me and kissing me. Please give me some words of wisdom. I'm so stressed and I can't sleep at night!

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Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 11:11am

I just wanted to chime in and say that I really agree with this post... divorce is hard and while you may be at one point in your grieving process (having accepted it and moving forward), your stbx may be at a completely different place. I know that when my xh left me, I was in a completely different place than he was... and as ugly as it was, I begged and pleaded... it was what I had to do...

If you have examined everything thoroughly and are at the place to move on, then that's where you are... understand at the same time that it may take your stbx longer to get there... you don't need to feel responsible for his feelings right now, but just understand that he is in a different stage of the process...

I do not know if it is required in your state, but my state required that we participate in a seminar for divorcing parents... the grieving process and how two people can be in completely different portions of it, was the opening section... do what you need to do... but understand that right now, he is also doing what he feels he needs to do... denial is stage one in the grieving process, coming before anger and acceptance...

Good Luck!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 2:18pm
I read your post on the All Sides of an Affair board, so I know that you're still hung up on the
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 2:59pm

I agree that wherever you run to, you will still be you. If you are unhappy, change it. That does not always mean that you need to change who you live with.

I am not surprised that you have decided that you must divorce. Affairs make it impossible for us to remember why we ever loved and married our spouse. It probably makes your stomach turn to think of dedicating yourself to your husband. So you will divorce. See an attorney as soon as you can, and begin making the changes that will be needed. Many of us must return to the work force or make improvements in our job situations if we are to get by financially. The first few years can be very lean, and doing the divorce "right" can make all the difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 6:47pm
I was in fact in therapy regarding my situation. I am not an unhappy person, I am unhappy with my H. When he is not around I'm great. I enjoy my kids, I have a lot of friends, I have great projects and I help out with a charity. I know how to make myself happy and that is not being with my H. As far as my xmm goes, I feel it wasn't a fantasy, it was 2 people connecting on various levels. He made me realize what I wanted in a mate, someone who communicates, isn't selfish, committed to helping others, devoted parent, etc, all things that are important to me, all things my H doesn't possess or understand or want to understand. If I thought I'd be getting back together with xmm, that would be a fantasy. I'm a realistic person and I'd rather be alone than be in bad company. If I never find another soul mate, so be it, me and my kids will be just fine and I'll be happy.

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