He's drinking again... making comments
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| Sun, 07-31-2005 - 8:56am |
Yep, STBX is drinking again. I drove him back to his place Friday night after an outing with him and DS. He was putting his food in the refigerator, and from where I was standing, I could see into the refrigerator. There was a case of Molson Ice on th ebottom shelf, so he's drinking again. Time to drastically limit my time around him. I WAS going to have him over for dinner tonight, as he helped me with some errands Friday, but I'll tell him that the plans have changed. We have a hearing coming up on August 16th, so I'll alert the lawyer that STBX is drinking again. Maybe we can stipulate that he has to go to AA if he wants to go anywhere with DS. I DO NOT think he was drinking while DS was with him last night. Probably in the afternoon, but not during.
Last night, STBX took younger DS to the demolition derby. They got in after 11 p.m., which I expect, and not a problem. However, STBX said something to DS last night that caused him to cry. I hugged DS, and motioned for him to give DS a hug. A few minutes later, as DS was settling into his bed, I gave DS a kiss, and said, "hey dad, why don't you give DS a kiss goodnight?" STBX got huffy and said, "You are being really annoying. You order me around all the time!" Really nasty-like. I didn't say anything in front of DS, but walked into the living room. As STBX was leaving, I stopped him at the front door. I said, "I would appreciate it if you didn't belittle me in front of the kids." His comment was, "You belittle me every day." Okaaaay. I showed him the door, then closed and locked the door, and turned off the outside lights. It actually felt good to do that. ;-)
EDIT: Yep, I'm being annoying by letting STBX use my car to take DS to the demo derby, because his truck and car are POS, giving him a bunch of food from my groceries, and bailing him out when he has problems with his laptop because he's an idiot. No more. I didn't have anyone to help me out of computer jams, I had to figure it out myself. We are a U-Haul dealer, and he had someone coming in to rent a truck. He couldn't access the internet through the U-Haul icon, and he called me up in an absolute PANIC-- "I'm SCREWED!!!". I told him how to click another button, but he couldn't figure it out. I came over and accessed U-Haul through the AOL icon, and just typed in the URL for the parent company. (STBX is to stupid/unwilling to learn how to operate his because he hates computers, and blames THEM for the demise of our marriage, NOT his alcoholism) Needless to say, that's the last time I do anything nice for him.
Edited 7/31/2005 9:26 am ET ET by susieyippin

Hi Sanguine,
STBX isn't at the house very often, just when he's picking up DS, which is MAYBE twice a week...? DS seems ok with the situation-- his dad was only there because they'd gone to the races that evening, and they got in after 11 p.m. It's not every night that his dad kisses him goodnight. Just that one night, and the Saturday a week before, when they went to the races and got in after I'd gone to bed already. I believe older DS let them in. This is NOT an every night situation.
As for his refrigerator, STBX lives in a studio apartment at our business, which is in a large garage. Older DS had borrowed STBX's vehicle that night, STBX had helped younger DS and I with an errand, and I dropped STBX off at the garage. The fridge is located just to the left of the entrance on the inside. His apartment is upstairs, which I do not go into. I helped STBX carry in a grocery bag or two, as I brought in a bag, he was loading his groceries in the fridge, and that is when I saw the case of beer. I don't normally look in his fridge, it was just a chance happening. I do need to go to the business once in a while; I mostly run one of the buisnesses from my home, but ocassionally I need to pick up info that is at the shop.
I do have boundaries for myself; it's STBX who has serious boundary issues that he learned from his family. Also he isn't that intelligent, book-wise, and gets confused by any type of technology. I helped him out ONCE with the computer since he moved out. He has to learn to bail himself out of his computer problems. The thing si, he was forced to get a notebook when we took on the U-Haul. He had NEVER operated a computer before in his life. When the U-Haul guy came to install the program, and get it set up so STBX could use, STBX thought that the U-Haul guy was going to teach him HOW to use the computer. Period. I told him, "Y'know, the U-Haul guy doesn't teach BASIC comuter skills, he's assuming that you already know the basics. Teaching you the basics isn't HIS responsibility, it is YOURS." He asked me to show him a few things, and I said, "play solitaire for a week or so, to learn how to use the mouse." Computers these days are easy to use, not like when I was learning when we got our first one 10 years ago. I have told STBX that the computer help is over, if he wants to learn more, he can drag his ass down to the library and get a book for himself.
HE has no boundaries, and is just like a lot of guys out there-- stupid. He seems to think that we can still have sex, but I told him NO frickin' way. This has happened 1/2 a dozen times since he moved out. He'll try to get some action, and I've said, "No", and removed myself. He has no boundaries within his family of origin, so he doesn't even know the CONCEPT of a person having boundaries. Believe me, I've gone through the whole boundary thing when I used to post in the Dealing With In-Laws board, and yes, I'll admit that for a short while about 6-8 years ago, I was swept into STBX's passive-aggressive method of dealing with his family-- by NOT dealing with them, and letting them walk all over us, but it wasn't what I was brought up with in my family, so I started setting boundaries with him and them. THEY didn't like it, so they reacted; BIL by threatening me when I told him that his behavior was no longer acceptable; BIL calling up my mother and screaming/swearing at her b/c HE had a problem with ME; MIL by putting on her martyr act when I told her why we were setting boundaries (she had asked why we were being so mean to her precious son, my BIL-- even when I explained the circumstances of WHY); FIL calling us up and bitching us out because he didn't like his DS and DD borrowing money from him (I never took a cent from him, go figure). I told STBX that it was stopping, I was not going to answer the phone if it was IL's number, I would screen the calls, and if they sounded ok, only then would I answer.
I don't know, maybe with STBX I'll have to put everything down on paper so he can understand, ie., NO SEX, NO SEX, NO SEX, lol. Even then he'd pull a Homer Simpson, "how about now? How about now?"
Susie
This just occurred to me after I'd posted the other message. Friday night, when DS borrowed STBX's truck, there'd been an incident. STBX had given DS permission to use his truck to help DS's girlfriend move. DS had been at his dad's garage, working on his car. STBX didn't want DS to run out of gas in his truck, as it was very low, so he filled the tank himself. DS had used a welder, and while STX was in another part of the property, sweeping out a storage unit, DS evidently left with the truck. He left the welder out, and left his car door open. When I saw STBX afterwards, when we ran our errand, he told me that he was upset with DS just leaving the tools out like that. That night, when I dropped STBX off at the garage, it was around 9 p.m. As I was pulling out of the driveway from the shop (it's pretty long, about 1/2 mile), I encountered older DS in his dad's truck. I stopped, and he stopped. I told him, "Your dad is upset b/c you left some tools out. You'd better go talk to him." The next day, STBX told me, "Why did you say that I was upset with DS?" I said, "Um, duh, b/c you were? You went on for a good 20 minutes about how inconsiderate DS was for leaving the welder out, and not even saying he was leaving. You were very upset."
#1. Last summer, I got DS a cell phone so he could call if he had car trouble.
#2. DS is 18, and he is capable of putting gas in the truck. If he wants to use it, he should put gas in it. If he runs out, see #1.
#3. STBX has no boundaries with DS. Here he'd put gas in the truck for him, then allowed DS to get away with leaving expensive tools out. DS told ME: "I though dad had left, so I just left." Even MORE reason to put away the tools.
Two weeks ago, I found some porno on the business/home computer. I don't visit those sites, but older DS did. I also have a 9 y/o who uses the same 'puter, so I confronted the older one about the porn. I told him that it was inappropriate for his brother to see, and I was concerned that he could inadvertently click on a website in the history when it dropped down as he typed in the website that he visits, which is Hot Wheels and other kid sites. I told older DS that I didn't want him to use the business/home 'puter to look at the porn. If he DID, he would lose his privliges on the home 'puter for good. He has a new laptop that he got a month ago for graduation, and to use that. Well, the other day, I checked the history (which I'd purged after I spoke with DS.), and there were his websites again. I knew he'd gone there, b/c when he uses the home 'puter, he changes the location of the mouse, and the chair is adjusted for his height. So, I confronted him, and I told him that I'd hold on to his email account until he could establish his own account with his laptop, and that he would NOT be using this 'puter again. I password protected the user settings and the screen saver.
Now the difference is, STBX will let DS use his truck again, and allow DS to leave the tools out. I told DS what would happen if he didn't respect my boundaries, and I followed through on it.