He's even arguing about safety...(vent)

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
He's even arguing about safety...(vent)
4
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 10:05pm

10 y/o DS just spent the weekend at X's, so of course he has a bit of an attitude now that he's back home. Anyway, DS came home with bullet shell casing that he found at his father's place-- I think they were found in an old junk car years ago, and X saved them so he could look like he'd been a war hero or something... of course he made the comment, "I got those shells in Bosnia, and Vietnam, and Korea, and Japan"... He was never in the military, he has flat feet (and a pea brain, LOL!)... he was just trying to impress our kid because there was a war movie on TV. After X left, I told him, "You know your dad wasn't in the military, right?" DS said, "yep mom, I know that", and he chuckled to himself.

DS has a little plastic squirt gun, and while we were watching "Behind Enemy Lines" tonight on FX, he thought he'd "modify" his toy so that the casing would fit in there. Typical boy.

Recently, in Auburn, MA, a boy got into HEAPS of trouble for bringing shell casings into his school. The school was in lockdown for 2 hours, and the authorities may bring charges against the kid. No harm was intended, but it's scary.

So, I called X a short while ago to let him know that I told DS that he WILL NOT bring the shells into school tomorrow. X said that he didn't think of it, and he agreed, but he then said "people are getting WAY out of control!" I reminded him of the school shootings, and of the recent one I just mentioned (also, about 12 years ago, someone walked into a school in a neighboring town with a gun), and said, "y'know, if I found a shell casing on the floor of DS's school, I'd want them to investigate it, and lock the school down. The kids need to be kept safe." Of course, he countered with "I'D know it wasn't live, and there wouldn't be all this crap!"

Oy. He just wants to fight and fight and fight. He's SO insecure that he has to flaunt his manliness everywhere. Eeech.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 10:50pm

Susie,

Please don't get angry at me for saying this, but I think you really need to start letting go. Commenting to your kids to reinforce the view you have that their dad is an idiot is destructive. Let him talk about the casings and whatever else to his kids. You know he's talking out of his butt, and your kids will either know or they'll find out soon enough.

Calling your ex to tell him every time he's made a mistake isn't going to help. It's only going to reinforce that you're the mean ex-wife. Let it go.

I know how you feel. There are times when I let myself get crazy with anger and resentment toward my ex, but all it does in the end is hurt me. If I have a major meltdown because ex drags his gf along with him everywhere, what is this helping? He's not going to stop, and I"M the one suffering.

You may also experience backlash at a future time if your kids feel like your indirectly putting down their dad. It can be a slippery slope. Be careful.

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 8:51am

I didn't call my X to tell him he made a mistake. I don't mind that X gave him the shell casings-- I called to ask him if he'd spoken with DS to tell him that it wasn't a good idea to take them to school. Our son has ADHD, and I could TOTALLY see DS bringing these things to school to show off to his friends-- INCLUDING the spiffy black plastic gun. My intention was for X and I to be on the same page about the issue, because in the past, DS has gone to his father, and manipulated his way to getting what he wants (whether it's driving a car, not taking his ADHD meds, lighting fires, etc.)-- sort of DS's way of dividing and conquering. In the past, it would work, too, because X is so intent on being a "friend" to our sons, instead of being a "parent".

Honestly, I don't think I was reinforcing any views to DS... but I'm not going to allow X to pretend that he's a war hero (when 19 year old KIDS are dying in Iraq, I think it's sickening for X to be riding another's coattails to build himself up). We weren't making fun of X-- the tenor of the conversation with DS was such that he and I agreed that his father was kidding. It wasn't to tear him down, it was to cut through the BS, if you will. I am more supportive of X as a parent to the kids than he is of me to them.

At this point, X's antics are a comedy of errors to me, and privately I DO laugh at him. I don't let on to my kids that I feel this way, although THEY make fun of him, and it would be very easy to make fun at X's expense. Even when DSs put their father down, I tell them that it is wrong to do that. My role is to be supportive of the kids when their dad routinely lets them down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:51pm

I'm a gun owner, and I think your X is kind of weak on gun safety.

I have taught my 14yo son to shoot. He's been shooting since he was 11, starting at Boy Scout camp.

He learned to shoot only after he understood the basic of firearms, including never point ANY kind of a gun towards a person. He knows how to operate a gun like a machine, how to strip it down, clean it, reassemble it. He knows how to use the trigger locks when the firearm is not in use. He knows how to load and unload ammo. He knows that guns, when mishandled, are dangerous. He knows that no part of a gun, including live or spent ammo, is a toy.

And then he was taught to shoot.

My concern is that firearms seem like toys to your X and your son, and that's reckless and stupid.

Any responsible gun shop sponsors gun safety courses so you can learn to safely own and operate a firearm. Your ex ought to go (maybe even with your son) to one of these courses.

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:51pm

My X used to carry around a pistol shoved down the front of his loose work pants (Dickies). It's a wonder he didn't blow his... manhood... off.

But really, you are spot on about my X-- he's reckless and stupid about much of his life. I'll speak with my DS about the shells not being toys... I hadn't considered the shells to still be a part of a lethal weapon, and you're right, they AREN'T toys.

Thanks for the advice.