He's getting worse after almost 3 years.
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He's getting worse after almost 3 years.
| Tue, 10-03-2006 - 12:38pm |
how long does it take for an ex to finally get "over" it and act normal not to please me but to help out the kids' lives and their perception of him now...???? I left him after 28 years and 33 of knowing each other..of course he resented it right from the start of because I took the only thing he ever cared about... half of his precious money, house etc.. and he badmouthed me..there were no affairs on either side just a lot of resentments and hurts built up and I finally had enough..it was bad because the kids never noticed any problems..they were 17,19,22 at the time almost three years ago...well after a while he sort of at least was civil and talked although mostly about what I "owed" him when it came to paying half for the last daughters college etc..I've had a boyfriend now for over a year and a half and have gone with him on vacations this past year...he only sees me on weekends bec of my ex saying noone can live with me or no alimony..ok fine..my oldest daughter and her husband and baby moved in with him just last month ( her husb lived with me for a year for free before they got married ) to save money for a house... my ex actually volunteered to let them move in ..they could have moved in with me but knew it would not be cool because of my boyfriend being over here on weekends which my ex knows about too...my ex does not even date yet..I babysit every day for them and of course can only afford to do this bec of my ex's alimony...lately since I've been back from an overseas vacation with my boyfriend my ex has gotten back to his old attitude that he won't even see me or be in the same room as I am...when he HAD to be at my house for an engagement party he would not even go upstairs to see the room my youngest had decorated medieval at my house..she was very annoyed about that...that was almost two years ago..but at the wedding he was very nice and walked down the isle arm in arm with me that was in February of this year...but now it's back to his saying he won't attend the first birthday of my grandson in November whether the party is at his house or my house and my daughters are pretty upset about that...even though they sided with him for a while..the poor dad syndrome.. they are getting fed up with his attitude and think he should start sucking it up for the kids' sake...I've always been nice to him and civil and even brought him food over etc never said a bad word against him etc...he makes five times what I do has five times the amount in his 401k even after the divorce and now wants them to feel bad that he has to pay two thirds of college this year for my youngest..the last two years I still paid half even though I make so much less..noone seems to care...I mean I can see he's mad that I have a house, a new car, and a new boyfriend and that he has his daughter living there now...but he asked them to do it and I called him on it because I have given up a lot for them and am doing that now with constant babysitting instead of a lucrative job..can't he just pretend to be nice for one "f...n" function once or twice a year? My mom used to invite him to xmas etc but we've given up...and a while back I thought he was getting better cause he even occasionally said something funny on the phone to me but now it's total shutdown again...I don't think he'll get better till he has someone to date...any thoughts? or helpful suggestions???

Hi Tequila,
You were married a long time. The longer you are married when divorced the more time it takes to deal with the end of a marriage. And, it's different for each person in a divorce, i.e. the "leaver" vs. the "leavee." At least that's the theory. So, the amount of time your Ex needs to "process" your divorce isn't a known quantity and it's partly determined by his ability to move on.
In the meantime, don't fall for the manipulation games he's trying to play with you and your children and grandchildren. You and your kids need to agree that you will NOT change things or accommodate his temper tantrums. In other words, you plan your family events, invite him, and let him decide whether he's coming. Period. He'll either show up or he won't and there's nothing else you or your children can do. If you cave in and start trying to accommodate him, he'll get worse, not better. So, let him know he's invited and welcome to attend the parties, etc. but if he choses not to attend that's HIS decision. So, he misses a birthday party or two, if you don't run after him and try to make him happy (which is impossible) then he'll figure out it doesn't work. The one who suffers will be him.
Good luck. This takes backbone but if you don't back down you'll find you're going to be a lot happier.
Wisdomtooth