He's gone from dh to stbx.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
He's gone from dh to stbx.
7
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:42am
In my mind I'm just going to start refering to him as the stbx. We talked (VERY briefly) last night and to be quite frank, I'm not ranting and raving angry, nor am I weepy sad. More like resigned to the fact and somewhat irritated that he's being such a complete idiot! He's throwing away a very nice family. He brought up the time I got angry with him on the phone a week ago, and I said "that was one time, why are you focusing on this?" See, I'm confused because in 8 years of marriage, we've had some doozie fights like anyone else. This was more like an irritated verbal conversation than a full blown fight. I mean, no speghetti ended up on the cealing (a funny eary marriage fight). He just told me that he was going to be working like he is now for over a year at least (we're talking leaving the house at 7am getting home at 10:30 or so 7 days a week). He missed my son's 1st grade open house last night. When I asked him if he'd be able to make it he asked when it was, I said 6:30, he said "No way in h@!!, I've got to be at such and such a place at 7). So I went alone with my son. He told me he doesn't blame me for wanting out or being angry with him, but he also doesn't have anything to give me. Funny thing is, he keeps telling me he doesn't blame ME for wanting out, but HE'S the one who keeps bringing it up, not so subtly hinting towards it without actually saying the words "divorce". Right now, besides being angry that he's throwing our family away, I'm also angry that I've stuck by him through all the lean times (anorexic, financially speaking from time to time) and now that he's FINALLY going to be making BIG money, he starts hinting of divorce. Well I REFUSE to bring it up first because at this point in time it benefits me more to stay married to the man. It's basically like we're divorced anyway, only I have to do his laundry. I just think it's sad that he's throwing away his family for a factory. He could easily have both. I don't require loads of attention. I haven't even received a present from him for Christmas in 2 years, so I'm not materialistic (or I would have left him in those anorexic years long ago). All I want is for him to love me. For him to tell me he understands it's hard right now, but he still loves me. But he said he doesn't have that in him. I've accepted that. If I can't have love from the man, than I think I at least deserve the financial payoff for sticking with him all these years and helping him get that stupid plant built.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 12:25pm

Hey Jen,


Hang in there. You are not to blame here. Just remember that. He's a selfish, foolish idiot for focusing 100% on his factory. he'll lose the time with your kids that is crucial right now....and when he's ready to be a "dad", it'll be too late. I've btdt with my kids.


Jen, I know you said he wasn't cheating....but my gut is telling me something other than the factory is up. I dont know. Does it really matter now? Not really. the damage is done and he said his intentions were to divorce. But protect yourself....


HUGE hugs


Deb


By the way-his name can be SFI (Selfish, Foolish, Idiot) ;)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 2:23pm

"....but my gut is telling me something other than the factory is up. I dont know. Does it really matter now? Not really."

exactly. I suspect he likes his secretary. I don't think he's crossed that line yet, but I suspect he will eventually. Hey, do me a favor and see what you think of this attorney. I think they look pretty reputable. I don't know what the rules are specifically about this but I'm NOT trying to solicit anyone. I'm only asking a friend for her opinion. The attorney's website is www.ruppertandschaefer.com

Also as for calling him the SFI, I'm a simple girl and was thinking more along the lines of the DA (Dumb ---) or DF (Dumb Fart {hmm only not fart}) But SFI certainly describes him in my book!

Btw, feel free to post those pictures of my kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 3:21pm
Is this about truly wanting to reconcile with this man, or is it more about money? I'm just trying to figure out if you would have walked by now if he was still poor. It's OK to say that money is an issue, because it often is...


Edited 5/27/2005 3:25 pm ET ET by steinberg7381
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 3:24pm

"I'm also angry that I've stuck by him through all the lean times (anorexic, financially speaking from time to time)..."

Why is it a sacrifice for some women to stay in a marriage when money is tight, but it much more acceptable for a man to support his family and wife, even if she is a SAHM or going to school? Just curious...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 5:22pm

Jen,


I would say that your emotion (or lack therof) is a clear sign that you're ready to make this move.


Sorry I've not been around much this week..... it's been really busy, but I've been thinking about you!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:04pm
my husband and i were the quintessential proletariat couple -- i ran an office, he was an undercover cop. he started his own business and made it big. i mean millions big. as soon as he realized the money was here to stay, he left. i found out that in divorce they average the last three years of earnings when putting together alimony and child support, which is wrong. i was there during the hard years (13) and helped him put together his business, etc. so, i got myself a lunatic attorney and that was enough to scare him into giving me what i wanted. anyway, in new york, it really isn't fair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:27pm
Steinberg, yes, it is a lot about the money right now, and I have no clue if I'd have already walked right now if he was still poor. Thing is, he's not "poor" right now. We've fought our way out of that hole. I think your missing the issue. Together we worked towards this. Together we both made sacrifices to build this thing. Now when it finally becomes a reality only one of us is going to benifit from it???? I helped him with the books when we couldn't afford a bookkeeper, I've been a truck dispacher and I did invoicing, and a lot of other things. He worked very hard too. I guess my point, and what I'm angry about is this is something we made possible together. Now only he is going to reap the benifits from it? Yes, your darn right it makes me angry. On a totally different note, I'm angry because he's simply given up on us. I wouldn't have done that, and I don't think I asked for much. So I guess in return, I'm tired too. I'd be willing to fight to make it work if he was interested, but since he's not, I don't have it in me anymore to fight for both of us on this issue too. My credit has been destroyed because of trying to get this project in existance. So yes, it's very much about money also. I don't really understand you were trying to say about his being more acceptable if he supports his family?