he's ready to date already?!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
he's ready to date already?!!
11
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 9:52am
my xh and i were married four years. i left him about 6 weeks ago due to his neglect and complete coldness since day 1 of our marriage. when i told him i was leaving he cried for days. for a man with no show of emotion, that was a huge deal. and for a couple of weeks after i left, up until the day before the divorce hearing, he pleaded for me to just forgive him and go back. but i didn't. our divorce was finalized 4 weeks ago. yesterday i found out that he had joined an online dating service, declaring himself as "single-never married" and asking girls for a date ASAP!!! i mean did it really take him only 4 weeks to recover and get out there again?! i wasn't feeling jealousy but rather shock and hurt that it took him just a few weeks to get over me and everything we shared (including a whole life together)!!!!
what's up with that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 12:36pm
I'd guess he's not "ready," just needy. He may not be able to love, but neither can he stand on his own. Don't fret about it at all. Take care, Maya.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 2:03pm
Something similar happened with me! I talked to my therapist about it b/c I was a bit hurt and shocked. Her analysis of the situation is that it's more about him and his inability to be alone. He's just reacting by trying to move on too quickly in hopes that being with someone else will make him forget about the divorce.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 2:23pm

Although it hurts you to see your xh on an online dating site it doesn't surprise me my guy admitted to me that most men hate to be alone and the thought of not having someone in their life ASAP is the norm for most men but IMHO Us women are stronger and kick butt we don't need to rush on a dating online site we can take our time and when we are ready then we are ready I am sure he will have lifetime of memories of you both and him rushing and saying he was never married for most people don't want to be with a guy who has an ex in life for he may have baggage to me he is on the rebound but just know that you are a great person and what he is doing well its his stupidity and in the end we all know that he will never find anyone as close as awesome as you will always be to him in his heart so hang in there !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 10:41am
Yup, my ex was the same exact way. He was boo-hooing and being a big baby. He immediately hooked up with this person who ended up dumping him because he's so pathetic. It was actually nice when he was with her because it kept him occupied so he wasn't harrassing me all the time. He's found another girlfriend who lives a ways away so when he doesn't have the kids he's there with her. It's wonderful!!!! I wish he'd stay there.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 3:14pm

My STBX and I were married for 14 years and together for 17.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 6:58pm

>>His user name was "Iamdoghearmearf"<<


OMG!!!! You have GOT to be kidding!! That is so funny, thanks for the laugh!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 9:09pm

I used the blue face icon because we dont' have a green face one. I swear I thought I'd puke when I saw what name he chose. It is so icky, I can't even imagine what possessed him to pick that one out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:58am

My ex actually put in his profile that he's ROMANTIC. I just about died laughing when I read THAT. He would go about the house unshowered all weekend, eat garlic and then breath all over me for 20 seconds when he was ready for lovin. That's not a good definition of romantic. LOL.

Actually his new girlfriend is pretty needy and that's exactly what he needs. He is the youngest child of six and the only boy so he requires a lot of coddling. This new chickie will baby him up good

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 1:09pm

You're right, it REALLY hurts when they can move on to another love very quickly.

I have discovered (divorced 2 1/2 years now, married with kids for 19 years) that the usual scenario is that the man finds a new love much much quicker than does the woman. A lot of men really need to have a woman connected to them to feel validated as a man. My ex was like that. He rushed right out and started dating every woman he came across in search of a new wife. My kids were freaked out! He re-married after only knowing his new woman 3 months--kids only met her a handfull of times. But he couldn't stand to be alone. In my opinion, he had to remarry in order to feel (to himself) like he was ok and that nothing was wrong with him--the D was all my fault. He's totally wrong, BTW.

I was so hurt and felt like our long marriage was a totally wasted sham. I then came to understand that this hurt was normal. Divorce is like a death and needs to be grieved, which takes time. Women seem to understand this concept more than men.

I hope you can come to understand that his rush into the search for a new love is all about him and his insecurities and has NOTHING to do with you. I hope you can separate yourself from him and gain some peace of mind. You didn't mention if you have children; if you don't, then you never need see this man again. Don't even look for him on dating websites. I recommend you stay totally away from him and if thoughts of him come to mind, remember the good times and change your thought patterns when the old hurts come up. You can change your thoughts and attitudes. It took me a long time and a therapist's assistance to come to these conclusions for myself.

You've found a wonderful support group in the ladies who visit this board. Come back and vent and mourn all you need! It'll help, I promise. It continues to help me.

Take this time to enjoy being free and able to do whatever you want. Develop new interests and friendships. Plan for the future for yourself! Make yourself priority #1!

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 2:17pm

Cupcake, I read somewhere that men will run out and remarry right away and then find out months down the road that they are over the shock of their divorce and are now with this 2nd wife that they don't really have feelings for. It's like making rash decisions in the heat of the moment.

I'm not ready to start again with someone new, I don't dare. I think I'm going to wind up alone because I don't want to make the same mistake again. I was 19 when I got married and I know more of what I want now, so time will tell I guess.

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