He's sorry and has changed his mind
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| Thu, 06-21-2007 - 1:57pm |
I have been separated from my husband of 5 years (together 8) for about 9 months now. My husband left me "out of nowhere" or at least that's how it seemed at the time. I was devastated. Up until about a year before the separation we had what I would consider the perfect relationship and marriage. We were truly in love. Things changed when we moved to a new city, both got new jobs and moved into our first house (1st major purchase). We began fighting more often, we stopped taking the time for each other, and sex was pretty much non existant. I guess I always expected that we'd talk through troubled times, to be honest divorce or separation was the furthest thing from my mind. I believed my husband was my sole mate and couldn't invision anything but growing old with him.
I came home from work one day and he was packed and ready to go. Said he needed his time. I agreed, figuring he'd be back to talk things through in a couple of days. Days turned to weeks, which turned to months. He reluctantly tried marriage counseling, but never gave it 100%. We were living separately but tried to see each other on the weekends to work on things. All through-out he said horrible things to me and about our marriage. We never shared a weekend that didn't end in a fight. I couldn't believe this had happened to us.
My husband finally admitted to be depressed and got on medication, however continually disagreed that his depression had anything to do with his unhappiness in our marriage. He told me it was over multiple times, he told me to my face that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me. He wasn't attracted to me and he was uncomfortable with me. All along I kept fighting, thinking medication and counseling would help. But it wasn't so I started to accept the fact that I need to focus on me, and not us and make myself happy.
For about 4 months I've been on a great path to happiness. I've rekindled many great friendships, have begun doing things that make me happy, I'm in the best shape i've been in in years. I've even met someone (about 2 months ago) that I can actually be comfortable with that makes me happy and feel special again. About a month ago the phone calls started.... my husband is sorry, he made the biggest mistake of his life, he'll spend the rest of his life making it up to me if I give him another chance...
I miss him, I do, and when it was good it was really good. We had some great times. But how can I ever trust him again? He now thinks it was the depression and that he was going through some type of midlife crisis. But how could anything make him treat me like that? My family despises him for putting me through the heartache and thinks I'm crazy for even considering working on things. I need advise. I'm confused and have so many mixed emotions.

Good luck
My H did the same thing after more that 31 years of marriage. Still hasn't admitted to depression, though. At this point I've been living alone 11 months, and still pray for him and our marriage daily. Have not filed for divorce.
If my H were to seriously change his outlook and get help, I would still consider seeing him. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. The trust issue is a BIG deal. We gave it to them the first time, now they have to earn it. The longer I'm gone, the less I can visualize us living together again. I let him rip out my heart once, he's going to be hard pressed to ever get that close again. We were best friends for so many years, and still get along most of the time now. That history is really hard to let go of. We had even talked about growing old together, and the things we could do and laugh about.
You are finding yourself again - is he willing to let you do that? Our happiness should not depend on them. I am just now starting to find some joy in life again - but we were together a lot longer than you were. I hope you think very carefully before jumping back into the marriage. In the end you need to do what's right for YOU - don't let anybody tell you what to do. Make your own informed decision.
Hang in there and stay happy.
Hugs.
T
Gr8fan,
Hi. Very often the person who leaves a marriage discovers a couple of things sometime after leaving. Those things include "the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence," and "What! SHE/HE has moved on and replaced me?!"
There's two parties in every divorce/separation: the "leaver," the person who moves out of the relationship, and often the house, and the "leavee," who is often shocked by the other person's sudden decision to leave. The truth is, the leaver has very often made the decision to leave long before they actually go out the door. So, they are emotionally distant from the marriage long before they pack a bag. The person who is left must suddenly grapple with several things all at once: the shock that something was wrong in their marriage, the shock of the spouse packing their things and leaving suddenly, and the shock of adjusting to life as a single person lives. Wow! No wonder we think we're going crazy when those things hit all at once.
So the leaver marches out the door believing he's going to have everything his way. He's emotionally distanced himself from the marriage partner, he's physically separated from you, he's convinced himself that YOU were the cause of his unhappiness, and by golly, he's going to go right out and live his life as he wishes. Meanwhile he finds out that he's not so smart, he's not so happy, and other people may react to him the same way his spouse did. So now there's the very real possibility he made a mistake. THEN,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020