He's Taking Our son to a party with her

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
He's Taking Our son to a party with her
9
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 11:11am

My ex called twice last night I didnt answer, then called my job this morning saying he wants to take the baby to a b-day tomorrow. One of the girls he used to work with is having a party for her child. As you all may know thats how he met the gf he has now. Oh god this is hard.

The thought of them traveling to a party with my son as if it's their baby. This is gonna be hard for me. It hurts so much. We were supposed to be doing those things not him and her. God help me get through this. I hate him

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:09pm

Hugs to you.


I know it's hard. It will get easier... it's not fair, it hurts, it sucks and hate is a normal reaction to this news.


We all go through this.


Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:26pm

Tell me about it. But im trying to find the positive stuff about it. Like I will have some free time for me. I will go to Coney Island or something. My son will get to enjoy playing with other kids and time with his dad.

I did let inform him that he must respect me, no negotiations on that. He says that he will not talk to her around me and vice versa. Whatever. Either he respects me or im just gonna hang up the phone.

I know it will be okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:31pm

blecch. i am so sorry, i do have total sympathy for you. it literally makes me sick when i know that my stbx is taking my son somewhere with his OW and they are doing the family thing. it just upsets me so much, i feel like SHE has my family and it so unfair to me. i have found myself (as nutty and psycho as this sounds) sort of repeating to myself as a mantra on those days that "it's better for ethan, it's better for ethan" over and over, because it is better for him to spend time with his dad, even if that OW is there. We had the same talk about respecting me, and I told him that if he ever let his OW say anything bad about me to our son, or to my stbx in front of my son about me, that I expect him to stop her, just like I stop my nutty parents when they start to say something negative in front of my son. yuk, the whole thing makes me sick. i am really glad to hear you are doing something fun for you. you can be rested and hopefully feeling good when you have your son back with you. i'll think good thoughts for you

bridget

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:59pm

Thank you so much for your words. It is really hard to handle. But im trying to deal with it. It's funny because I found myself doing some of that this morning, repeating it will be good for my son.

I also have to keep reminding myself that he hasnt changed. That's where I get stuck alot thinking "he's changed" for this girl. I know he hasnt. He even told me this morning when I was saying he must respect me, not negotiable, I told him that he respects her and doesnt talk to her the way he does to me and he told me I have no idea what im talking about. He treats "everyone" the same! So big newsflash. For all the times he confessed to me that he's changed he obviously hasnt.

It's her loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 4:06pm
Hugs! I am sorry that you are going through this. It's hard. I know, I have been through this as well. For me it felt like she was stepping into my shoes and replacing me. Even though I know that will never happen at least not with the kids, it was as if my ex just traded me in for a new model. It hurts terribly. They recently took a trip to his mom's house, ex, her and my two kids. This was something we all used to do together and all of a sudden I wasn't invited anymore. She was going in my place and life was moving forward without me. I had a VERY hard time with it at first. But believe it or not, it is something that you will get through. It takes time. Every day can be a struggle sometimes, you just have to keep communicating with people that you trust and keep being honest about your feelings and keep sharing. You will sort things out in your own time and come to terms with things however long of a time you need to do that. It's alot like grieving a death, at least that's what I felt. Like the life I had had died, the future I thought I wanted was never to be. But yet a person can feel so stuck in the past, that the future looks pretty grim. Eventually you realize that you have alot of living left to do and that you still want things for yourself. Your future isn't over by any means, it is just changing, it is up to you to make it be for the better. It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that my old life didn't want me anymore, that it wasn't going to suit me anymore if I wanted to really find happiness. I hope that you take care of yourself through all of this and be good to the person you are and will become when this part of your life is finished. You will be happy again, you just need time now to heal. Hug and prayers to you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 5:03pm

All you guys have been great. It's wonderful to have such loving people around. Its amazing that we can all care so much for each other and we havent even ever met.

The real kicker for me is it just feels like and seems like he's so happy with this young girl like he doesnt even miss me. As if she's the one he's been looking for all his life and is the only one who can make him happy. My mind knows it isnt true but my heart.....

Well you know. I keep wondering what is she doing that I didnt that he wants her and not me ya know. I hate feeling like this.

But what goes around does come around, i saw that with the ow, he got her pregnant and left her with twins and is with this new one now. So she got what she deserved. She was so nasty to me when I found out about the A and confronted her.

When will he get his?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:00pm
I know exactly what you mean. I kept thinking what does she have that I don't have? What is she doing differently that I didn't do. I drove myself nuts!! And you know what I realized??!!! DRUM ROLL PLEASE...... I realized that it isn't about her at all. And as much as I would like it to be, it isn't even about ME! lol! It is about HIM! It's all about HIM!! It has ALWAYS been about HIM!! Why? Because he is selfish!! Because when he got tired of dealing with the realities of life, the kids, the bills, the "ball and chain" as he called it, he realized that life just isn't all fun and roses! He realized that he would either have to stay with me and be a man or leave with her and he gets to keep acting like a kid! Their relationship is new right now. Right now she is the answer to his prayers because she is ANYBODY but ME!! She doesn't have kids with him. She hasn't "put in the time" with him yet to realize that her life with him will be miserable. How do YOU know, you ask? After all, isn't this just sour grapes talking and who's to say if the two of them WON'T be happy together and stand the test of time!! Good point! I'll give you that one! Here is why I think that! Because he hasn't changed. He hasn't learned from his mistakes with me and what do we do when we haven't learned from our past! That's right! We repeat those mistakes! I am confident that not only is he with her because she is not me and she is a convenient escape from the realities of life (mainly because she puts up with all his crap), but that he is doomed to repeat the same mistakes with her, and she will eventually (hopefully) snap him back into reality the way that I did, and he will realize that the grass really isn't greener, but rather that it is all about what angle you are looking at. And right now my ex thinks that he has it all figured out! That he has all the ANGLES!! It is only a matter of time before their relationship ends the way that ours did (he will of course blame her for the whole entire thing), and he will move on to someone who is again naive and unaware of his game! Poor thing! It took me a long time to not be jealous of my so called "rival". Until I realized she really isn't my rival at all. She is just another victim. A victim of her own making in a lot of ways, but a victim none the less. I am no longer jealous of her, nor do I feel sorry for her either. The lessons she learns and the mistakes she makes, she will have to take credit for alone. I want no part of those. Regardless of any of that, I will move forward even if they do decide to stay stuck. I won't waste my second chance on a man like that; nor will I worry about if the man I find someday will treat me the way that my ex has. He won't; I guarantee it because I am already "writing up" my lesson plans to "teach" him how to treat me, what I will and will not tolerate, and all that I have to offer. That is all that can be done on my end. My choice is easy. He is left with the tough choices to make. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 10:19pm

The previous post is 100% correct, very well written and exactly on point. I have nothing to add about that, scorned is totally right about her ex and yours IMHO.

As for getting through the party, don't think about her or him if you can help it. Do something for yourself, a hot bath, a nap, something just for you, and if you have to think about the party just keep telling yourself your son will be having a good time and him having a good time (whoever it's with) while you get a mommy break and a chance to recharge is a win-win. You are still his mommy. Nobody can ever change that, and my guess is most of the people at the party will know he's got 3 children with 2 women and his gf isn't mommy to any of them. She can play mommy, she can't be mommy. To do that she'll have to give him another child, and he certainly doesn't need that!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 9:40am

i'm going through the same thing right now and it's no fun. and i mean "right now." my ex just left with my two kids to pick up ow and take them to a party at his mother's. i've been a part of his life for 13 years and now -- well, i'm not. his family has apparently welcomed this woman with open arms and i just have to deal with it. the kids feel awkward (9 & 10) having to go, but they love their father, of course. i'm hoping that some day they will put two and two together and realize he was having an affair. i'm a saint -- like all of you. i don't say anything negative about their father and i even tell them to have fun on their way out the door.

it's really tough though. the four of them are one happy "family" and i'm sitting here reading the divorce board. ha. actually, i have marathon pms and things are always worse this time of month. i've actually been okay and made good use of the time without the kids before and i know that in a few days i'll feel much better.

thanks for letting me complain here.