He's unbelievable, refuses to settle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
He's unbelievable, refuses to settle
5
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 10:56am

We were back in court yesterday. On Friday I had to hang up on ex because when I asked him if he could take ds to the ER he had the audacity to tell me he was "not sure" if he could get him before I got off at 5pm, he was in long island. It was 3:25pm. DS had a cold for almost a week that just didnt seem to get better and the cough was really scaring me since I have Asthma, I was concerned. So I asked him to take him and I'd meet them there. How in the hell do you say you dont know. I said look he needs to go to make sure everything is okay. He'd let me know. Since he was acting dumb already I figured I'd try to get off early and I told him I'd do it. Well I didnt have anyone who could cover for me so I called him back and told him, and said can you take him. He was like make up your mind. I said look it's not like your working and this is important, he said he's looking for a job and that's just as important it's not like this is an emergency. I was so annoyed with him. I said its not like looking for a job is more important than taking your son to the hospital! He said your damn right it is more important. I just hung up.

He calls me back, I didnt answer. He calls back again not it's 4:45, I get off at 5. Telling me he can get him in a half hour to 45 min. I told him dont bother Im taking him myself. He's like call them (my sis) and tell them to have him ready. I told him no thank you, go look for your job since that's more important I will take him myself and hung up!

He didnt show up there either, to heck with him. Then he called me that night to see how he was when I was there I was with Dr I had to call him back. I called him when I got home and told him that the visit had to be cancelled for Saturday. He said fine. Then I remembered I had an appointment that afternoon to pick up WIC for DS and didnt want to take him so I asked ex if he could pick it up. He starts asking how long will it take. I said Im not sure, shouldnt be long though. He like how long. I said it depends how many people are ahead of you. It usually doesnt take me long. He's like on average then. Im like what difference does it make, he needs it. He's like an hour 1/2 hour, 2 hours? I said what's wrong with you? I told you it's different everytime. Are you going or not. He's like it's his time and he's doing me a favor, he'll wait an hour and if they dont call him he's leaving. I was so pi$$ed I told him 1st your not doing me a favor this is something for your son, and 2nd dont bother going, I take care of it myself your useless and I hung up.

Before all of this nonsense we had agreed that if we got out of court early enough we'd take ds to the allergy clinic. So that was set. Well he got to court and acted like he didnt even know me. Didnt even sit in the same section as me. He's a psychopath. When no one is around he's different. Acts somewhat decent. Lately he's been lingering in my hallway when he picks ups and drops ds. Sunday I had to start leaving then he got up to leave. Then as soon as we get around other people he acts completely different. We have to go back in September b/c they hadnt sent the packet to my lawyer for the forensic eval so it was basically a waste of time. I wanted all of us to conference but only the lawyers conferenced. I dont know if this is because he refused to or what. My lawyer says he thinks they want to wait for the eval first. But he doesnt see why ex is pushing for a trial b/c he doesnt feel he'll get anymore than what he's already got. Ex is hindering himself from getting any more time. He still hasnt pulled up the carpet. So who's keeping ds from who? NOT ME! I offered an extra hour on sat. and 1/2 hour on sun, he wanted an hour for both days. I told my lawyer sundays I need to get him ready for school the next day, but I was willing to do the 1/2 hour. He wouldnt agree. He's keeping himself from the extra time with his son. Remember we agreed to take ds to the allergy clinic. We were done with court at 1pm. He didnt say a word to me the entire time. I had to take him by myself. He didnt call me, nothing. To hell with him.

Im willing to share the holidays. He wanted Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day. Doesnt want to compromise. Is he smoking something or what. So I told my lawyer I have plans on Memorial Day and 4th of July. I gave him Labor Day. Christmas is going to be hell, I see that right now. What more does he want, my goodness. What's his problem?

How can we co-parent with him being so difficult?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:20pm

Luv,

I have to tell you that you have to learn to count to 10 when you are talking to your STBX. You have to not allow him to push your buttons. Because you are getting no where with all the hanging up on him and arguing with him. He's just pushing your buttons and you are spinning your wheels.

Getting in your digs with the "You look for your job because that's more important" just don't stoop to that level, just pass over it, don't bother. Seriously. It gets you nowhere and just makes you more pissed at the whole situation. When he said "Not sure" about the ER at that point you knew he wasn't going to do it, didn't you? I mean seriously in your heart you knew he was goign to flake on you about taking him to the hospital. So I would have just said, DS has to go to the hospital I need to work until 5, can you take him or not, if he reiterated I don't know. Then I would have said Okay I will make other arrangements. Hung up and made other arrangements, spinning your wheels, working yourself up into a frenzy with him just serves no purpose except to upset you, it doesn't upset him, it doesn't hurt him in the least.

Please protect your heart, protect your anxiety level and stress level and don't do this to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:44pm

You're right. He just got to me. I have dodged alot of his nonsense, sometimes he slips through. Im getting better little by little. He paints this picture in court that Im this evil person who is "unstable" and interferes with his visits. Poor him, he wants "joint custody" everytime I think about it I still cant believe it. He just wants to be a part of his son's life yada yada yada but when given the opportunity to be more involved he wont even take him to the doctor. What the heck kind of joint custody does he want?

I guess he thought he'd get an argument out of me again on Monday about the allergy dr. I learned my lesson from over the weekend. I didnt say a word and took our son myself. It just makes me crazy because why push for joint custody and a trial when I give him the opportunity to be more involved and he wont take it. Seems like all he wants to do is argue with me. WHY? He supposedly so happy with his "new life". Fine. Then why fight me on everything and argue. I dont see the point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:19pm

But see, by you giving him the option, you're doing the right thing and being the bigger person. And maybe this time it was because he was just being lazy, or whatever that he didn't go to the doctor, but even if you two were still together it doesn't mean that BOTH of you would be able to make it to every single doctor/school etc appointment TOGETHER. That's just not always possible.

Please, rejoice in the fact that he wants to be a part of his sons life. I've said it before and I'll say it again. By you not standing in the way of letting your son have a relationship with his father, if he really is the jerk you think he is, your son will be able to figure that out on his own, in time. Trust me, you don't want your son to wind up resenting you for inhibiting his relationship with his father years down the line. If you keep the lines of communication open, and are the bigger person, and "let" him have the relationship he's desparetly fighting for, he will slip up sometime -- maybe not today, maybe not next year, but sometime he'll show his true colors to your son, and when your son gets old enough to realize what's happening, he'll be able to terminate, or limit the relationship on his own terms.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:22pm
I hear what youre saying but that's the thing. Im NOT hindering him at all. Those are the lies he telling in court. Ive done nothing but give him more and more opportunity to be involved in his son's life. He denied the extra times I offered, wont get the carpet pulled up in his place to get overnight visits. He asked for two extra days last week, I gave them to him. Why prolong this to a trial? In the beginning he said all he wanted was to see his son. That's what's happening. He refuses to communicate with me, I live in Brooklyn, he lives in Queens. How can joint custody work. It cant. He wont allow it to. So why not drop the custody petition and agree to visitation. Which is what he has now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:48pm


That's right! You are getting better...it just takes time. I really and truly understand how you feel. I think it's sometimes difficult for people to understand how incredibly hard it is to stay calm and NOT get angry when you're dealing with a person that's ridiculously unreasonable and unbending.


You know how in AA you have a sponsor you can call when you feel as if you might want to drink? Sometimes, I feel like I could use a "Divorce" sponsor - someone to call when I feel like I am going to freak out about something my ex has said or done! Right now, I am at day SIX of NO fighting, arguing, or taking the bait from ex. It's a HUGE accomplishment - at least I think it is.


Maybe this should be our mantra for the week - I will not take the bait!




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