Hi, all......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Hi, all......
6
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 1:55am
Well, I'm back. I'm sort of almost ready to leave him. A family member will come down to spend some time with us, which should make it easier for me.
I've noticed that in the past year, I'm just not answering him at all. I have very strong principles and it blows my mind that I am not answering him. He says things that are unbelievable. I can get into it and have an argument with him, but I am trying to handle it mentally and I know that anything he says is so far removed from the truth. He can now come to me and say "I saw you climbing a tree before and sitting on a limb," and I will not argue with him about it.
The thing is, I'm feeling that once we are divorced all of the anger that I felt towards him will come out, and I'll be thinking "How in the world did I ever stay with him?" And I will feel enraged towards him for treating me this way. For now, I'm just repressing it and mentally telling myself that there is nothing I can do about his treatment of me till I leave him.
I will say one other thing that is constantly on my mind. Once I divorce this man, I know that I will not want anything else to do with him. You know, once you start the healing process, you don't want anything to stand in your way. Because he has tried to create a sick reality for me, and at this point, I am not even answering him. I am scared that I will never be able to get rid of him. I don't want anything to do with him. How can you let yourself fully heal, and get rid of the pent-up anger you feel for this person, and continue to have to deal with him due to your lovely kids?
He has
1)played mind games telling me I did things that I didn't or I said things that I didn't for the dumbest things.
2)he will say things to the girls that I feel are unacceptable, and non-educational, and will lash out at me for trying to correct him, (away from the girls).
3)he will talk to me in any old way he feels like it.
So, now the only thing I am worried about is how can I deal with him? How do you deal with a person who has been so horrible, so vindictive, when all you want to do is get away from him? Please, any person with a similar experience, please reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: smileylove
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 9:16am

My experience isn't similar as you know, but I will tell you what I think. I think it's still going to be a huge challenge once you leave him. Those things you listed, 1, 2 and 3 will still be issues when you are divorced, he will still try to manipulate you, engrage you, and do things you feel are inappropriate to get to you. Your best bet will be to continue to ignore him.

I am assuming you are going to be stuck with joint legal custody. Most states default to that, and it's hard to get sole legal unless he agrees to that. He won't agree because having it means he can have control over you. If you ask him for sole legal, he'll fight it just because he knows you want it and he won't want you to have what you want. So what you really have to try hard to get in the legal agreement is that if there is a disagreement that you make the final decisions. So if the girls need to see a doctor, and he disagrees, you get to decide on your own and not have to go back to court every time he puts his foot down to get in your way of parenting. That is very important. If you don't have the decision making power in cases of disputes, you will have to go back to court a lot, and that is expensive, stressful and unimaginable when you are dealing with someone like your husband. Joint legal custody where you have final decision making power is very close to having sole legal custody in the first place, and he might be less likely to fight you on it if you never mention it and it's just buried in the language of the document looking innocuous.

If you have the ability to make decisions for your girls, then you will be able to ignore him for the most part. He will do things when he has parenting time that will annoy you and that you will disagree with. Unless he's harming the children physically, for the most part you will have to live with it. He will say things to get to you, and your best bet is to just let it roll away, reminding yourself that he has no power over you, anything he says are just words and in reality you are free of him (if you let him get to you, then you are not really free of him).

You are probably right that all the feelings you are buring are going to come barrelling out when he is gone. That always happens when you suppress your feelings. They don't stay that way forever. They have to come out. The safest way to cope with that is with the help of a therapist. What your husband is doing is trying to make you nuts, and a therapist can help remind you that you are sane in a way that family and friends close to you just can't do as well. A therapist can also help you develop new and effective coping mechanisms to deal with whatever kind of mental torture he comes up with after you separate from him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
In reply to: smileylove
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 1:31am
Why is it, firstamendment that anyone who just wants to hear a similar story like theirs, or find camaraderie, or just a friendly heads up you come through with a description of their situation and a whole list of other things?
I know what situation I am in. I am handling all of this very well, and I don't need a therapist to tell me that. I am very strong, and intelligent, and I think I assessed my situation pretty well.
All I wanted was to hear a similar story. I will go to a therapist after I am done, but that is just to handle my anger towards him.
Can you possibly sometimes just offer a friendly word without going through the whole shpiel? Maybe it works well for other people, but not for me. I just like to hear about other peoples situation. I don't need someone describing mine to me, as I am very familiar with it myself.
When you mirror what people are going through and respond in a dramatic way, it very rarely makes them feel better. People just want to hear that it is going to be okay, especially when they already have a handle on the situation. You can combine that with other things or facts, but it should always end on a positive note. That is how I feel.
Although I asked for advice, I did not ask for legal advice, although it was helpful. But really, all I wanted was to hear how other people handled it. It always feel like I am pigeonholed, judged and summed up by you when you reply to my posts. I have a lot going for me and I really don't need you to 'sum me up.' What you describe to me many times are things that I already know, but you totally underestimate a persons knowledge when you respond to things that were not even asked. Please, get a grip.
I am sorry that I am responding this way, but this is not the first time I have told you something on a similar vein. People who read this do not know what we have spoken about in the past, so they won't understand why I am responding this way. But a person who is on the verge of divorce (at least not me) really is not looking for another person to 'virtually put her down' online. And although it is subtle, your posts have always sounded more like put-downs than heads-up, if only because you state things that other people may already know, and weren't even asked for in the first place.
I e-mailed you and you can respond with an e-mail yourself.
Anyone who reads this, please don't respond to what I have told firstamendment, I have spoken to her in the past and so no one knows what we have spoken about previously.
I just wanted a 'virtual smile' an, 'I know what you are going through, I have gone through this myself and this is how I handle it.' That's it.


Edited 6/13/2005 1:36 am ET ET by smileylove
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: smileylove
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 11:35am
If someone responds to your post trying to offer you helpful advice and you don't like what the person has posted, why not ignore the post or put the poster on ignore? Just because you are looking for a certain type of response does not mean everyone feels as you do. I, for one, appreciate the style of first's posts, and hope she doesn't change a thing, except, perhaps, responding to anyone who doesn't appreciate her input.
And if you wish to say something to someone privately and not hear from the rest of the board, why not keep your comments to email?
-sang
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: smileylove
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 7:48pm

I have not seen your email, and just to let the rest of the board know, you and I have never had a private conversation that I can remember. Any exchanges we have had are here on the board for all to see, if they are interested in going back and finding them. You and I are not the only one's privy to them.

I would also like to point out that I am not the only person you feel has not responded to you in the 'right' way. Just some food for thought. I responded to this post because I thought my words might be of some help to you. Given our past exchanges and the usual positive eventual outcome, I felt you know me pretty well and I thought you might appreciate what I had to say, even if you didn't agree with all of it. I responded to you because I like you and my heart goes out you, I think the situation you are in is more than difficult, and you strike me as a very strong woman who will make it through this because nobody is going to stop you now and I wanted to be one of the people supporting you as you go through that. I really do wish you and your children all the best, I know your situation is so hard and the road ahead will not be easy either.

No need to ignore me, I can take a hint. I haven't been in your exact situation personally, I admitted that. I won't post to you any more.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: smileylove
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 10:36pm

Thank you. I'm having a hard time not letting it get to me though. It's not been a good couple weeks healthwise and emotional-wise and I'm starting to feel a little paranoid that many people feel like the OP does, and they do what you suggest, keep it to themselves. We are all single moms (some single dads) and we're all here to help each other, right? That's all I'm trying to do by being here.




Edited 6/13/2005 10:44 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: smileylove
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 7:52am

Hi First :)


I wanted to point out that I was another poster that Smiley didn't appreciate. It isnt just you, but like you I had a hard time not letting it get to me too. I think I was shocked by the response and genuinly questioned my own words and hoped that no one else felt that way.


Hugs to you, I look forward to your responses on my posts and others posts as well. You are very knowledgable ( sp ) and have insight on many of the things that posters have questions on. I appreciate that very much :)


Hugs,


Angelena