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| Sun, 08-06-2006 - 4:05am |
Hi! Let me introduce myself. I am a 36 year old mom of 2 kids ages 13 and 6. I have been "legally" seperated for just over a year now. I have full custody of the kids upon his suggestion (I offered joint custody). I am waiting for our divorce to go through. My ex and I were married for 13 years before the breakup. This is our 2nd seperation, but this time is for good. We are and always have been 2 different personalities. I married young and he married me because I was pregnant. We lasted so long out of stubborness.
My problem is that my ex is a "disneyland dad". He pays me child support and I work full time (shift work) but he still makes more than I. He refuses to commit to a routine and just takes the kids whenever he feels like it and they are available. When he does see them, it is always a big affair! They get what they want, do what they want and act how they want. With me, it is the daily grind. I am strict and he is not. He can afford to take them places and I cannot. With him they don't have to brush their teeth, have a curfew, eat dinner, etc. My son is asthmatic and has allergies. He needs to take medicine EVERY night to control his symptoms. Does the ex do this? NO.
My kids, especially my 6 year old son, has decided that he wants to live with dad now because he is more fun and "takes them places". Though my ex lives with a roomate and is in no position to take the kids, he does not discourage them from this notion. He has also told me that he doesn't really want to take them "full time" but will if that is what they want.
If the kids go to their dad's they will not receive the proper discipline and care that they require (that I think they require). I am angry and hurt over this. I don't know what to do. He is manipulative and talks to them behind my back about stuff at home. For example, I discussed with my son about getting rid of the bunk bed and getting a Captain's bed a month ago. We haven't discussed it since. He was fine with it. I mentioned it to my ex in passing today. The next thing I know is my son is adamantly refusing to give up his bunkbed now after being with dad today. I hadn't discussed this with my son in a month and now, the day I brought it up to my ex, my son tells me this at bedtime. BTW my ex was against the Captain's bed. This is common after they see dad. I try to keep a civil relationship with him and encourage them to see dad as last summer he NEVER saw them by his own choice.
I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to lose my kids. I feed them, clothe them, take them to the dentist and doctor, help with homework, help with problems, drive them around, and discipline them. Now they want to move in with dad because he is more "fun"!
What do I do? HELP!!!
Dawn

honourrollmom...
PG doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but it sure sounds like your EX and YOU could use a couple of 'parental counselling sessions' when it comes to rearing your children.
You have a standard...and your EX-Husband does too...but neither one is in sync with the other! It's almost as if each of you are "venting through your children" in order to get the upper hand over one another!
DANGEROUS STUFF!
Since your children will eventually "tune both of you out", become rebellious to any idea either one of you has, and will do whatever HE or SHE pleases!
If you and your EX can't find some sort of 'common ground' when it comes to rearing your children...perhaps there's a friend or family member who can help you out with the process? It's pretty obvious (to me anyway)...that neither one of you is interested in 'working together' when it comes to your children!
Pianoguy
Hi There!
This is just a thought not a proven fact. What if you started pushing more responsibility on your ex. Like when your kids want something ask them to ask him even if you could take care of it yourself.Definately do this with tact and grace. If they need help with homework tell them to ask him. Maybe if you slowly pull yourself from fixing or doing everything for them, they will start to miss and realize everything you do for them.
Also the more responsibility you give to the ex, the less likely "Disneyland Dad" will come through. Eventually he will get tired of having to put out for them. I wouldn't put them in the middle but just making them more responsible. I'm sure your 13 yo knows exactly how to push all the buttons right now and therefore your 6 yo will follow suit.
Kids learn the manipulation real fast and you just have to know how NOT to be overcome by it. I guess it's that reverse psyc. thing.
Hope this was helpful.
K:)
Hi Christine!
PG's point wasn't so much along the lines of "who wasn't cooperating", but if each parent was somehow TESTING THE OTHER'S TOLERANCE in order to get the upper hand with the kiddoes?
The moment children (of any age) discover they can get whatever they want from the 'weaker parent'---that's the parent they'll gravitate toward for the moment!
This is why both parents (despite their animosity for each other) have got to reach some 'common ground' when it comes to their children!
Pianoguy
I'm with the whole reverse psychology thing....
First off, don't compromise your values and what you are doing with the kids... being their constant.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi Pianoguy,
I have tried to sit down with him on several occaisions to discuss how to compromise. He wants nothing to do with it. I have tried to set a routine but he won't commit to it. I have tried to explain that these kids need both of us to be raised well adjusted. He says he doesn't care what I think. He says he doesn't agree on discipline and that he will raise them the way he wants when he has them.
I am a reasonable person. I have raised these kids pretty much on my own from the get go while he was off with his buddies, golfing or whatever. I cannot force him to do anything! How do you reason and compromise with someone who isn't willing?
Dawn