Hi New to Boards but not divorce
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| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 6:06am |
Hi my name is Maria and I just found this board this am. I am at work and into my last hour thankfully. I am a 911 operator for the past 5 years and Sunday nights can be not so busy for us. I dont want to say the "Q" word.
I have been married for 5 years to what I thought was my soul mate. This is my 2nd marriage. I was happy up until Aug when my dh decided to have a midlife crisis and take it out on me and my 2 girls from previous marriage and our son.
I am not quite sure where it has all gone wrong but trying to talk to him has been of no use. Everytime I tell him how I feel he turns it around and tells me I am at fault. He doesnt want to get help.
I have always supported him in what he wants to do with his life from each job change 9 in 5 years to times when he doesnt even work. We have some serious debt issues which I am trying so hard to work us out of but he has been of no help. DH is a truck driver gone M-F home weekends. I work mostly weekends 16 hour shifts overnight. Not a lot of time for us but when there has been time for us he does not want us.
I feel he does not respect me or my girls and we are there to serve him. I hear my girls get excited when I say that he wont make home for a weekend and it has made a huge light bulb turn on.
I have started a few steps towards a seperation, my own checking account, switching bills to my name like car and insurance. I wanted to try to get through the holiday season and then req for a seperation but I am not sure how much more I can take.
DH told me just yesterday that I love my officers more than I do my family since I work all the extra hours. This he also told my children. I was furious that he looks at it this way.
My first divorce was due to him cheating on me. I think what hurts me the most is I have to put my kids through yet another one.
There are days I have myself believing that I must be the one who has the problem with marriage.
Sorry for the long version of my first hello..... I look forward to meeting you all and glad I was able to find a place with support.
Maria

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I know that counseling is expensive and the financial struggle is never ending. I worry constantly about what ifs and just try to keep plugging away. I found a place here that will take small payments so my daughter can talk to someone about her issues and my ex did say that he would take care of whatever needed to be paid after her insurance paid. Have you tried other churches where maybe a Pastor could help out your kids? Sometimes if the kids meet with someone they don't know they are a whole lot more likely to talk. That is what I have found with my daughter. She wouldn't talk to anyone she knew like our Pastor or school counselor because she was afraid that whatever she said would get out. I just wish that there was someone who could help your kids get out their feelings. Will you keep searching?
My ex wasn't a truck driver when I married him and I am with you on that profession being the worst there is as far as jobs go. He's been driving for about 11 yrs now and says that he can't get out of it because of the tax liabilities and that there isn't anywhere else he can make the money he's making. Let me just say...he is so far in the hole financially that he's right, at this time he can't get out of the career. It wasn't like that when we were married. It was tight but after the divorce he went out and spent and spent. Now to take a week off sets him back a month. He has his own tractor so all the responsibility is his when it comes to sitting at home. No run, no money. I hated him being gone all the time. He missed everything with the girls and they don't have the relationship with him that kids should have with their dad. I have realized after looking back on our relationship that my ex is pretty much all about himself. To this day it is still that way. He has all these "toys" that he can pay for but hasn't ever offered to float a little extra our way. Guess he figures what he gives in child support his is only obligation. He said that I treated him like a paycheck...well, that's is just what he is now. Geeze, I talk about him and feel guilty about it, I think about him and miss his incredibly, I analyze him and feel hugely sorry for him. How can someone get so screwed up?
Does your husband drive for someone else? It could be that she isn't on the truck because that company won't allow a rider and he would loose his job if he got caught. It could be that he isn't as devoted to her as he thought he could be and just needs to be away from her for the time he's driving. We can only guess what these guys are thinking. Did you ever think you'd be sitting here wondering what the heck he sees in someone half his age? Just know that his relationship with her is short lived. My ex is on again off again with the girl he was with. They stroke these guys because they know how and the men being blind to the situation fall for it. Stupid, stupid men. Have you encountered that girl yet. I have and let me just say....what a flipping joke she is. No job, no money, and no life. Using my ex all over the place and he is just sitting back and letting her do it. He isn't happy...but hey, you reap what you sow. I don't know what will make him happy. He had the life of riley when we were together. Our life wasn't perfect, but really, how can it be when you see each other 12 hours a week. We went through alot of crap in our marriage too and I would never of thought of bailing. It's amazing how easy it is for some people to just throw in the towel.
I know that you are totally consumed by your situation. I am that way most of the time too. But just know this...it does get better. Are you working? Are you keeping busy? This is the worst of the times. It's extremely hard. You will survive. We all will. I am here every day so keep writing it you need to vent or just need someone to listen. I know that it does help to talk.
I wonder a lot how things can get so misconstrued in someone minds about how life really is. We can't make people happy by being with them. They need to be happy within themselves. I have told Kenny that over and over again. I think that he's looking for someone to complete him and make him a happy man. He just isn't going to get that from anyone, no matter who she is. I think he had that expectation of me and when his life didn't pan out the way he expected it to he needed someone to blame and guess who got it. Yep, me and I think that the same thing could be happening to you. I want nothing more or less for him than to find what makes him happy within himself. If he can get that done, than there may be hope that we could begin to work through the things that have happened within the last year. People ask me if I could ever go back and why would I want to. It's simple...I love him and have loved him for 25yrs and I always will love him. Until someone walks in your shoes they don't have a clue about what your situation is really all about. It could of been me wanting the divorce just as easily as it was Kenny. Wonder than how people would be feeling? I have a huge support system and I am thankful for that, but most of them see the bad in all this, not the deeper issues that I think are lurking there. I need to work on expressing the positive side of Kenny to my people and let the negative stuff go. Kenny has enough s**t to shovel and I don't want to add to the pile by saying things that I shouldn't repeat. I know your situation is somewhat different if there is sustance abuse involved. Just know that your husband is searching for something too. I just hope he doesn't go further down the road he's on and not be able to find his way back.
robin
I guess I should start by telling you that my name is Robin. I live in Iowa. I have two daughters who are 15 and 10 years old. My ex filed for divorce in January of 2006 and it was final in June of the same year. I work at a credit union and have been there for 11 yrs. I just try each day to make a little progress in getting through all of this. Some days it seems I take a step forward and the next day it's like I have taken two steps back. I just can't get answers for questions that I really do need to know to settle all this in my mind. I have been told that that may never happen, but until that hits me I just keep contemplating and wondering about the road my life is on. Right now my ex has said that the girl he had with him is not on the truck and that he is done with her. I want to believe him, but I know that I have been told this on several other occassions and she always ends up back with him again. I don't know if there will ever be a chance for us again, but I do know that it's not going to happen with her in the picture and I also know that in no way will my girls be exposed to her. I hope that my ex is smart enough to make the right choice. This girl is very deceiving. She is a complete user and everyone that my ex knows has told him this. What he sees in her, I don't know and no one else can figure out either. She has no clue about what life is like, but than how can a 20yr old? I just know that I have never hated anyone, but she is definitely one person that has hit that point with me. I will never understand with all the men that are out there why women get mixed up with married men. I can only hope for their sakes that it never happens to them. I would imagine that only than would they ever feel any guilt about their choice to help end a marriage and a family. I have rambled on enough about this never ending story. Tell me about yourself. Seems like our lives are a match made in heaven~! LOL!
Robin
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