Hi New to Boards but not divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2006
Hi New to Boards but not divorce
20
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 6:06am

Hi my name is Maria and I just found this board this am. I am at work and into my last hour thankfully. I am a 911 operator for the past 5 years and Sunday nights can be not so busy for us. I dont want to say the "Q" word.

I have been married for 5 years to what I thought was my soul mate. This is my 2nd marriage. I was happy up until Aug when my dh decided to have a midlife crisis and take it out on me and my 2 girls from previous marriage and our son.

I am not quite sure where it has all gone wrong but trying to talk to him has been of no use. Everytime I tell him how I feel he turns it around and tells me I am at fault. He doesnt want to get help.

I have always supported him in what he wants to do with his life from each job change 9 in 5 years to times when he doesnt even work. We have some serious debt issues which I am trying so hard to work us out of but he has been of no help. DH is a truck driver gone M-F home weekends. I work mostly weekends 16 hour shifts overnight. Not a lot of time for us but when there has been time for us he does not want us.

I feel he does not respect me or my girls and we are there to serve him. I hear my girls get excited when I say that he wont make home for a weekend and it has made a huge light bulb turn on.

I have started a few steps towards a seperation, my own checking account, switching bills to my name like car and insurance. I wanted to try to get through the holiday season and then req for a seperation but I am not sure how much more I can take.

DH told me just yesterday that I love my officers more than I do my family since I work all the extra hours. This he also told my children. I was furious that he looks at it this way.

My first divorce was due to him cheating on me. I think what hurts me the most is I have to put my kids through yet another one.

There are days I have myself believing that I must be the one who has the problem with marriage.

Sorry for the long version of my first hello..... I look forward to meeting you all and glad I was able to find a place with support.
Maria

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 6:01am
I really wish that I could afford counseling for me and my two children...but I can't even afford to pay bills right now - trying to decide what to let them cut off next. I have contacted the church - no luck there - I have contacted the counselors at both schools - the one at my sons middle school did try to talk to him but got no where - she did tell him that she is there if he needs her. How long has your husband been a truck driver? I absolutely HATE that profession...and I know its not the profession that makes someone like they are...there are alot of jobs that keep you away...but I feel like he has really been gone all the time anyway. Does your husband have a job where he is home every weekend? All of my husbands jobs were "suppose" to have him home every weekend - and I guess that with most of them he was home at least "part" of the weekend. But he has missed out on everything that ever happened during the week - like ball games, etc. I guess that I am still so in shock that he walked out on me...that seems to be what has blown everyone in our small towns mind...that I have had every reason in the world to leave him for all these years...but I didn't..I stood beside him through thick and thin...and the one night he stopped by here for about 20 minutes and we talked out on the porch - I told him that....and he said "I know". He sort of looks suicidal -- I asked him over and over that night if he needed any kind of help and he said no. I feel guilty (don't know why) that he is going to have no health insurance after December 31st....but I guess that when you are 45 and you decide to screw your life up for good that you have to face the consequences. I mean really he had no reason to leave me because he knew that I would have put up with his s@#% forever...that is the reason that I think he has snapped. Nobody around me seems to understand why I'm not "excited" to be getting this divorce...it is the saddest thing in the world to me. He was suppose to be my life partner..I can't get over him doing this during our daughters senior year at school. If he is able to think at all he knows that there is no way that I can pay these bills and it has not been fair for mama and daddy to pay the bills that they have during October & November - because I know it is putting them behind on their own. Why do you think that he doesn't have that girl in the truck with him? That is another thing that has BLOWN my mind...why would he be leaving her?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:08am

I know that counseling is expensive and the financial struggle is never ending. I worry constantly about what ifs and just try to keep plugging away. I found a place here that will take small payments so my daughter can talk to someone about her issues and my ex did say that he would take care of whatever needed to be paid after her insurance paid. Have you tried other churches where maybe a Pastor could help out your kids? Sometimes if the kids meet with someone they don't know they are a whole lot more likely to talk. That is what I have found with my daughter. She wouldn't talk to anyone she knew like our Pastor or school counselor because she was afraid that whatever she said would get out. I just wish that there was someone who could help your kids get out their feelings. Will you keep searching?

My ex wasn't a truck driver when I married him and I am with you on that profession being the worst there is as far as jobs go. He's been driving for about 11 yrs now and says that he can't get out of it because of the tax liabilities and that there isn't anywhere else he can make the money he's making. Let me just say...he is so far in the hole financially that he's right, at this time he can't get out of the career. It wasn't like that when we were married. It was tight but after the divorce he went out and spent and spent. Now to take a week off sets him back a month. He has his own tractor so all the responsibility is his when it comes to sitting at home. No run, no money. I hated him being gone all the time. He missed everything with the girls and they don't have the relationship with him that kids should have with their dad. I have realized after looking back on our relationship that my ex is pretty much all about himself. To this day it is still that way. He has all these "toys" that he can pay for but hasn't ever offered to float a little extra our way. Guess he figures what he gives in child support his is only obligation. He said that I treated him like a paycheck...well, that's is just what he is now. Geeze, I talk about him and feel guilty about it, I think about him and miss his incredibly, I analyze him and feel hugely sorry for him. How can someone get so screwed up?

Does your husband drive for someone else? It could be that she isn't on the truck because that company won't allow a rider and he would loose his job if he got caught. It could be that he isn't as devoted to her as he thought he could be and just needs to be away from her for the time he's driving. We can only guess what these guys are thinking. Did you ever think you'd be sitting here wondering what the heck he sees in someone half his age? Just know that his relationship with her is short lived. My ex is on again off again with the girl he was with. They stroke these guys because they know how and the men being blind to the situation fall for it. Stupid, stupid men. Have you encountered that girl yet. I have and let me just say....what a flipping joke she is. No job, no money, and no life. Using my ex all over the place and he is just sitting back and letting her do it. He isn't happy...but hey, you reap what you sow. I don't know what will make him happy. He had the life of riley when we were together. Our life wasn't perfect, but really, how can it be when you see each other 12 hours a week. We went through alot of crap in our marriage too and I would never of thought of bailing. It's amazing how easy it is for some people to just throw in the towel.

I know that you are totally consumed by your situation. I am that way most of the time too. But just know this...it does get better. Are you working? Are you keeping busy? This is the worst of the times. It's extremely hard. You will survive. We all will. I am here every day so keep writing it you need to vent or just need someone to listen. I know that it does help to talk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 7:21pm
Oh my gosh, reading your reply sounds just like me...my husband actually told me that Thursday before Thanksgiving when he stopped by and we talked on the porch for about 20 minutes - that he thought that when he was here that I only thought of him as a "paycheck"..well what did he expect - he is on his 6th or 7th job this year..I was looking back and this time last year we were in just as bad of financial shape because he had been on again off again with jobs...and we could never ever catch up - when you are two years behind...the main thing on your mind is if he is going to have a $200.00 paycheck this week or a $800.00 paycheck. He has never owned his own truck - thank goodness. I told him that night - that we may have only been talking about bills & money but that I would have stood beside him come hail or high water - and that when we were old and gray that I wanted to be in a rocking chair on the front porch rocking with him even if the only thing that we had to talk about in the whole world was bills and paychecks. Not that he will ever get to retire because he has never had a job with retirement or benefits of any kind....so he has basically worked for nothing. I checked and the company he is working for does allow people to ride with them...and I guess you are right - maybe he just wants to get away from her - I would want to get away from an unfurnished place...and you are so right..he has given up everything...and for what - he's sure not a prize (I mean he was my husband and he was to me) but nobody else is getting one -- and I'm sure she isn't either. At work today I tried to talk to a few people but EVERYONE thinks I'm crazy - they think he is strung out on drugs living with a 22 year old. And drugs has alot to do with his problems -- but I honestly feel in my heart that this isn't his only problem. I mean he told me he has a cat in the truck with him....he has never wanted cats around him well - maybe 17 years ago - but not since and to have one in the truck? One of the teachers at school told my daughter today that she saw him here in town yesterday at her husbands store - she said he came in got a drink - he wouldn't talk to her - she got her husband (they both know him) to go out to the big truck to see if anyone was with him and there wasn't. He "never" use to hardly ever get through here on weekdays - now isn't it funny - he seems to have done it last week and this week. She said he looked really "haggered" (her words) said he looked very tired and like he hadn't had a shower. Yes it makes me so sad, so mad, so hurt, so angry. I can't even pay my bills - I know he can't pay his...why in the hE@# dind't he just stay here and we could have pooled our money - he would have been here for his children and life would have went on - not perfect - but it would have went on. But now he has me in a huge mess - himself in even a worse mess...and what's he got? Not a d@#^ thing! I still can't believe that he never came and got his clothes (I guess he figured he had no where to put them) but you would think he would have wanted his winter coat and his winter shirts...but go figure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 9:46am

I wonder a lot how things can get so misconstrued in someone minds about how life really is. We can't make people happy by being with them. They need to be happy within themselves. I have told Kenny that over and over again. I think that he's looking for someone to complete him and make him a happy man. He just isn't going to get that from anyone, no matter who she is. I think he had that expectation of me and when his life didn't pan out the way he expected it to he needed someone to blame and guess who got it. Yep, me and I think that the same thing could be happening to you. I want nothing more or less for him than to find what makes him happy within himself. If he can get that done, than there may be hope that we could begin to work through the things that have happened within the last year. People ask me if I could ever go back and why would I want to. It's simple...I love him and have loved him for 25yrs and I always will love him. Until someone walks in your shoes they don't have a clue about what your situation is really all about. It could of been me wanting the divorce just as easily as it was Kenny. Wonder than how people would be feeling? I have a huge support system and I am thankful for that, but most of them see the bad in all this, not the deeper issues that I think are lurking there. I need to work on expressing the positive side of Kenny to my people and let the negative stuff go. Kenny has enough s**t to shovel and I don't want to add to the pile by saying things that I shouldn't repeat. I know your situation is somewhat different if there is sustance abuse involved. Just know that your husband is searching for something too. I just hope he doesn't go further down the road he's on and not be able to find his way back.

robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 5:49pm
Every time that I read your posts - you sound so much like me. Are you already divorced? If so when did you file and how long has it been final? I was talking to a woman today who has two small children (not school age yet) and her husband is so much like mine - I mean they aren't separated or anything - but he has been involved in drugs - been in rehab twice...he is also a truck driver...he just got out of 4 months of rehab a month or so ago - I wish that I would have known her situation - it was like been there done that and got a t-shirt to prove it. I could have been her 17 years ago....our stories were so similar - I just hope hers doesn't turn out like mine - but she said that everyone including his family thought she should divorce him. She said you can't decide who you love...and she seemed to understand why this is so hard on me - where most people other than the ones on these boards don't understand. How old are your children? You have probably told me but I forgot. I so agree that I would love for my husband to straighten his life up and us be able to be together one day again (maybe). But I'm not going to cancel the divorce - there are too many legal problems now - all of his bills that will probably be turned over for garnishment...him not having paid in taxes... and I guess most of all because he doesn't seem to want to talk to me. I wonder what that girl is doing now that they have repossesed his vehicle - she is stuck in small town america with no anything....no phone, no furniture, no vehicle..maybe she has found her another truck driver...or maybe my husband has went by and picked her up. I agree with the more you say to people the more they know the worse they think of them. I had been posting about having to get new insurance on my daughters car -- well it was $340.00 down this month and I got the coupon things in the mail today - and the 1st payment is due 12-15 and is $135.00 the next one is January 15th and it is $135.00....well I get paid once a month...and this last working day for me in December will be December 14th - which means that I will have to save both months insurance out of that one check. Now I know that my children probably won't be getting any thing for Christmas unless he brings me some money...which I don't forsee happening. I don't make enough money - even though I have a good job to pay hardly any of our bills. Much less pay anything else. My parents are trying to refinance their home to help pay my bills...which makes me so sad and mad. They shouldn't have to be doing this. Of course they have basically paid our bills for over a year now. I had to file bankruptcy last October because of being so far behind in bills - and I am one of the only people I know that it didn't seem to help out of bills. I guess because my husband didn't file and we had been trying to pay his up until he left me...and just our monthly bills, mortgage, my car, daughters car, and light bill would take my entire check - that doesn't include any other utilities, gas, food, nothing else - no insurance, house, life, vehicle...my daughter is looking for a job after school - but so far no luck. She has been accepted to college for next year after she graduates and her daddy knows that --- what is he thinking?????? What if I just walked off and left - not that I would...anyway this is long enough for now. But our circumstances sound so much alike - I've been married 21 years and we dated for 4. We have two children. I live in Georgia what state are you in?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 10:59am

I guess I should start by telling you that my name is Robin. I live in Iowa. I have two daughters who are 15 and 10 years old. My ex filed for divorce in January of 2006 and it was final in June of the same year. I work at a credit union and have been there for 11 yrs. I just try each day to make a little progress in getting through all of this. Some days it seems I take a step forward and the next day it's like I have taken two steps back. I just can't get answers for questions that I really do need to know to settle all this in my mind. I have been told that that may never happen, but until that hits me I just keep contemplating and wondering about the road my life is on. Right now my ex has said that the girl he had with him is not on the truck and that he is done with her. I want to believe him, but I know that I have been told this on several other occassions and she always ends up back with him again. I don't know if there will ever be a chance for us again, but I do know that it's not going to happen with her in the picture and I also know that in no way will my girls be exposed to her. I hope that my ex is smart enough to make the right choice. This girl is very deceiving. She is a complete user and everyone that my ex knows has told him this. What he sees in her, I don't know and no one else can figure out either. She has no clue about what life is like, but than how can a 20yr old? I just know that I have never hated anyone, but she is definitely one person that has hit that point with me. I will never understand with all the men that are out there why women get mixed up with married men. I can only hope for their sakes that it never happens to them. I would imagine that only than would they ever feel any guilt about their choice to help end a marriage and a family. I have rambled on enough about this never ending story. Tell me about yourself. Seems like our lives are a match made in heaven~! LOL!

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 5:46pm
As I have already told you I am from Georgia - been here all of my life. I don't understand why women want married men either. I do know one thing for a fact...if me and my husband never get back together...or whatever..I will never date a truck driver again...not that it is the profession in itself that is bad...but our entire married life has been nothing but lie after lie, drugs, more lies, more drugs, probably dozens of women (I hope not - but it could be) anyway it is not a life that I want any part of. I found out a few minutes ago that my husband called his other sister on Tuesday of this week and asked her to sign a loan with him to get a vehicle (since he doesn't have his) he told her that he needed a vehicle to be able to get to the big truck to make money to send to us...yeah right....she told him no that they don't do that for anyone not even their own son. She asked him about the woman - and he said "she's just a friend" - he told her he was living in the truck...last weekend he wasn't living in the truck - but he may be now. I don't know - he should have received his first paycheck by now...but he hasn't come by to bring me a penny. I don't know why his sister didn't call and tell me this or e-mail me...I found out from his mother ... and she found out from his brother. I have always been so PAINFULLY honest with all of them our entire marriage...and I have wonderful in-laws that have always been 100% supportive of me...they all including his mother wanted me to file for divorce. But for some reason not a single one of them have called me the 1st time to tell me when he calls one of them...and I have called or e-mailed immediately each time I have had contact with him. And I know that they don't have to have a reason to tell me..but I guess it hurts that I talk to his mother every single day - and I was e-mailing his family about once or twice a week. But when I sent them an e-mail about me getting a part-time job at night and what did they think (I haven't yet) I really wanted their opinion - but not a one of them e-mailed me back...this has happened on several occassions...now they will forward me e-mails and all. But not just type me a line or two to say hello or I've heard from him...Anyway I guess it doesn't matter. I told his mama a little while ago that I feel really sorry for my husband and that I feel a little guilty - have no idea why - other than I must be stupid...but that he doesn't have a vehicle, that he doesn't have a home...but he COULD HAVE IT ALL still if he would have stayed with me. I feel guilty that he no longer has health insurance after December 31st...don't know why because I have warned him a million times....anyway - I really don't understand why in the past two months he hasn't picked the pay phone up and called me at work to say "how are the kids?" Well this is long enough for now - but yes we seem to have alot in common.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 12:39pm
I have been sitting here all morning trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to mkae it financially. I'm getting more and more mad when I think about Christmas and I think about my husband just leaving us in September --- what was he thinking? Now he has nothing...and I mean nothing, he has no where to live, no vehicle, no phone, no winter clothes, nothing -- but a 22 year old - who obviously doesn't even realize that she has someone with nothing...them coming and pulling the vehicle away should have been a sign..don't you think..or maybe living in an unfurnished trailer with no food...don't you think? And as I have stated over and over on these boards and yes I know by now you are tired of reading this...he could have just came back to us..things wouldn't have been perfect we probably still would have been broke...maybe our marriage wasn't perfect - but he had a bed to lie in and food to eat. And a son that he use to play hours and hours with...I know that if he has any mind left at all that he has got to realize that. I have been sitting here thinking about how broke we were last year - about how I had to file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy...about how we didn't purchase the 1st Christmas present until Christmas eve...so no we are no worse off this year (I don't guess) but we had him..we had him at least trying to find jobs and keep jobs. And I know that all of your are going to think that I'm insane --- but I think if he pulled up today...that I would probably let him come back -- not to my bed or anything - but I'd let him sleep on the couch - just to have him around - if he could give me a little bit of money it would be better than none. I would still go through with the divorce no matter what - because he is fixing to have all kind of judgments against him and garnishments and all...not to mention probably the IRS also....and for once I don't want to be a part of figuring out what he is going to do about it. But if the only way that I thought that I was going to get money to put gas in my vehicle or pay a utility bill...then yes if he would ask I think I would let him come back. I don't know if he doesn't want to come back -- I don't know if he feels like this time he has totally screwed his life up - which he has - or I don't know if total embarrassment is with him - which it should be...but not getting in touch with his children is no way to handle this situation. I had another woman who's husband is an addict and a truck driver tell me that her husband explained it this way...he said it's like you are suppose to be going down this straight road in life and once you start vearing off one way or the other --- that it gets to be easier to just keep on vearing than to go back down the straight way. You know that may not make alot of sense to alot of people but it really does to me. As you can tell by my post - I'm irritated, mad, sad, not having any idea of what the heck I can do to make things better here. My parents are trying to refinance their home to see if they can keep me above water and to keep us from losing things. I have a good job, with decent pay for around here (not good - but not miminum wage), I have full benefits...but I just can't make it on one income when all of the bills are geared to two incomes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 9:06am
Strangest thing happened - last night I was checking my e-mail and had and e-mail from some kind of number - no subject or anyting - I honestly don't even know why I opened it - it was a one line message from my husband - it said I want you to know that I do still love you will call you at work on Monday. I tried looking the number up but nothing showed up. (must have been a cell phone) I tried txt him back - but it was denied. Anyway I decided to call the number (I hit *67 first because I didn't want him to have our phone number - actually I called from the cell) he answered...there was a really loud noise - sort of like when you get to a bad spot in the road. I tried to talk to him - he kept saying he couldn't hear me very good and could he call me back - and then he said "no will you call me back in a few minutes when I have time to pull over". I said probably not. He said he was in Oklahoma - probably a lie. Anyway I kept getting the feeling that girl was with him...but he kept saying he couldn't hear me (good put on for her - right) Anyway I did try to call back and he had the phone cut off - he said it was a prepaid phone. Anyway a little while later - I called back again...he talked for a long time - said he was inside of a truck stop or something. I asked him about calling his family to co-sign with him to get a vehicle. He said "it was all an act". I said yeah right - he said it was because "she wanted a car". Well what the hell-is he trying to make her happy when he sure hasn't tried to make us happy. He kept saying he hoped she was long gone...but anyway I decided to call back this morning....I would be willing to bet my life that she is in the truck..I know him too well - and that noise was still there again - but I kept asking him if she wasn't in the truck to say her name or to say something aboutl her and he said no. I told him that he had lost his daughter and son and that he had better not ever come to our house at night again...that if he ever wanted to talk to them again that he had better come during the day time. I also asked him if he was scared of her. He kept saying will you call me back in a few minutes when I stop - I said no...I said what is your children's name? I was trying to get him to say anything that would let the girl know it was me on the phone...he kept saying "I don't know" I said you don't know your children's name ..finally he said my name...then he said their names -- then the phone went blank. Now the phone is turned off. I feel a little guilty about him not knowing our phone numbers...but I told him when he was at that truck stop that I knew that the phone call threatening us had to have came from his phone or that he had to have given her the number...he said no he didn't but she could have got his phone. I feel physically sick....I mean I guess I'm glad that I called him - it was nice to hear his voice - but he is as crazy as ever. I told him that the girl was only 9 years older than our son - and that technically in a few years she could be dating our son instead of him. He never once asked me when the divorce was coming final...I guess he still remembers. I did tell him that he had better be looking for health insurance because after 12-31 he has none. I asked him was she going to stay with him when he wasn't getting a check - he said what do you mean? I said when garnishments and child support start coming out. He kept saying that she was probably long gone...yeah right...I stil haven't got that one figured out...he kept saying no when I kept saying you walked out on your children for her.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:32pm
Robin, I was just going to let you know if you don't hear from me for a while they are suppose to cut off my phone - which includes my internet on the 6th. I don't know what else to do. My check only goes so far - and my husband isn't offering any money. Today he got a certified letter stating that he could go to Flordia and pick up the things that were in his truck when it was re-po'd by the 11th or it would be sold. I have tried and tried to contact him on that pre-paid cell - but he won't answer it - I think she is with him. He gave me then number when he e-mailed me from it saying how much he loved me. Anyway I need to let him know that I got a notice from the State of Georgia stating his license would be suspended on the 27th. This is for the ticket that wasn't paid in August or September - honestly I can't believe it has taken them this long....he told me over and over and over that he paid that fine - that was why he couldn't give me any money the night he picked his truck up on October 8th - because he had went by the courthouse in the town the fine was in $450.00 and paid the fine - he even told me where he parked his truck. Liar, Liar, Liar. We got a notice about a month ago that the town had sent the information to Atlanta - I haven't been able to figure out why in the world it has taken so long for them to suspend them. Not that I want them suspended without him working I'm sure not going to get any money...of course with him working I'm not getting any either. I have e-mailed him - I never knew you could e-mail from a cell - I knew you could txt but not e-mail ... so anyway...I figure she has the phone. What a hold of some kind she has on that man -- I wish he would leave her at a truckstop somewhere. Anyway, I thought I would let you know what was going on.

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