Hi, new here, need to vent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Hi, new here, need to vent!
5
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:42pm

I am new to posting here, but need a place to vent. So many stories here have similarities, it is nice to think I can find some strength when I need it most.

My story is that neither of us have been happy for a long time. I think that I was never really what my husband wanted. We have been together for 15 years, married for 8. He spent most of the years as an alcholic and cheated on me many times over the years. I dont know why I stayed. I loved him, and thought you should support someone. I turned a blind eye to his cheating, or his addiction to internet porn. But even after he got sober, things just werent getting better. We grew apart. Last year I realized he was seeing someone else, and normally I wouldnt say anything, but with age I have gotten bolder and stronger and confronted him. I thought I was amazing, I set us both free to pursue happiness, but he suddenly didnt want freedom. He wouldnt leave, wanted to work things out. I have spent most of the last year in torment, as he has left it all up to me, and I have felt guilty that I was the one leaving a marriage I knew wasnt working. Turns out, all the guilt and torment he let me carry..was not shared in his heart. He hasnt been upset about losing me..just his safe place. His home, family etc. He is heartbroken over giving up the other woman and devasted that she moved on. I am so furious that he stole a year of our lives..pretending he wanted me out of fear. I could of already moved on more than I have. Once he fessed up to his sadness over her, it was easy to say the words I have had trouble getting to..I want a divorce. I find I am very mad that he didnt take the gift I gave him when we first seperatd. He wasted my time and lost what he had.

I am feeling so many things it hurts. I am hurt that I spent all this time on someone who never really was in love with me. I am mad that he lied to me again even after it was time to come clean and really be honest. I am sad I have to sell a house and lose a home for my daughter. I am scared of having nothing. I am afraid I wont make it financially. I am scared of what it effects it will have on my daughter. I am sad to lose a family..including my mother in law and sister in law. I am feeling so insecure about myself that I wonder if I will ever find the real me again. Lost in years of carrying him. It hurts to know he isnt sad over losing me. That all I did, was never appreciated. It hurts to know I should of left a long time ago. I feel like an idiot.

Now that we have actually decided to divorce, I do feel a bit better. I have made an appointment with my lawyer to get everything rolling next week. I want to protect myself. I know that this is right, no matter how scared I am. I have moments of extreme lightness and happiness that I havent felt in a long time..a feeling of impending freedom, but the daunting task of telling my daugher, getting a house ready to sell, working 2 jobs while going to school full time has me stressed and overwhelmed. It is too much to handle and I am prone to tears and feeling sick to my stomach constantly. Digging deep for the strength to handle everything is hard, and not much is left over to be a good mom. I try, not sure I am succeeding. It is hard to find a place to turn. The only good thing I can say is that I have hung in there everday..and have made it this far. I believe the worst is behind me. I think I came as close to having a break down as anyone can without losing it altogether.

Thank you to any who read this or respond. I really just needed to spew for a bit. :) One day at a time I am dealing with this..but I will take any support I can get.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 5:48pm

I would suggest "Spiritual Divorce" by Debbie Ford as a comforting read for any woman going through divorce.

I don't know if it matters whether the "worst" is behind you. There's so much in what is behind you that is going to help you make decisions for a brighter tomorrow. I think that whatever is to come, be it a challenge or a celebration -- you'll be a much more ALIVE and LOVED woman. And being ALIVE, being LOVED, isn't that what makes all parts of life sweet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:24pm

I feel your pain. It seems like only when "they" feel threatened do "we" feel bad. "They" don't have time to mourn the death of the marriage because "they" have already moved on.

The only light at the end of my tunnel is that my ex will get his. When he feels he needs a shoulder to cry upon, I will be well over this divorce because I had to do it alone. I will find myself first before I find a new relationship. I am the better person because of that!!

Good luck!

Brenda
Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:12pm

Oh my gosh... I remember those daze....but the internet wasn't there way back then.

You too can and will survive. It isn't easy but with each breath you take on your own you become stronger, wiser, and down right more of a "WOMAN" hear me ROAR. Your children will learn from your strength, wisdom and the fact that you don't threaten "wait till your father get's home" anymore.

I too believe we need a 12 step program...to get over THEM. Who do we contact about getting this group started???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:42pm

HUGS ...

Our stories are different, but we share heartbreak and struggles and concern for our children and the painful process of shaking free on a situation that has us questioning our own reasonableness.

May you continue to find courage and find folks who will support you emotionally.

Stick around here where support is plentiful.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 7:20pm
I am new to this too. I just posted my own story which is sad as well. I was touched by what you wrote because my father was an alcoholic. Since my marriage exploded I have been in counseling to deal with it as well as the effects of my father's drinking on me. I know you are scared and you have a lot of responsibility. You can take care of yourself and your daughter. You have been doing it all this time. Living with an alcoholic and dealing with their addiction is a full time job in itself. You took care of him, your daughter and yourself for so long, of course you can do it without him. That doesn't mean that it will be easy or that you won't feel scared. I will say for me, I have found that counseling, reading books on codependancy and going to Al-Anon has helped me understand the effects of living with an alcoholic had on me. I don't know if it will be a help to you, but I wanted to put it out there. I am sorry for your pain and I hope things will get easier for you.