Hi! Newbie Here

Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Hi! Newbie Here
9
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 5:52pm

I have been married 8 years in December. Much of those years were not the best. My DH and I just can't seem to agree on things or get along. What I am most worried about are my DD's (6 yrs and 3.5 yrs). I guess I know I have just been coasting and staying in my marriage for the kids. I met someone a few weeks back (who knew I was married and not into an affair) but just talking with him and being around him has made me feel happy and I'm thinking this is the way it should be. Things will probably not work out with the guy even if I divorce but I feel like I'm living a lie. What if there are other men out there who will make me feel valued and I stay with my husband because of the kids? I just don't know if I can live my life this way any longer.

My DD's adore their father and I would never want to keep him from them. I hope he feels the same. Does anyone know on what conditions the father would end up with custody? I don't want to do anything to risk my time with my girls.

Is it better to stay together for the kids or to split up and try to live a happier life?

Alison




Edited 10/27/2006 6:05 pm ET by atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: atober
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 9:32pm

Hi Atober,


Welcome to the board!


You say you and your husband can't agree on things and "just don't get along?" While I don't know the specifics based on your post, I wonder if the two of you ever discussed your expectations of marriage? You know, how you'd handle money, when or how many children you'd have, who would control the checkbook, how you'd handle holidays with family (or w/o), where you'd live, how

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: atober
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 6:38am

Hi Alison!

During marriage #1...Pianoguy and his wife remained married for nearly 16 years "staying together for the benefit of the kids!" THIS WAS A MAJOR MISTAKE!

Why?

Because the children could sense the detachment and disharmony day-after-day, week-after week. Ultimately, the EX filed for divorce..and we gave the boys their choice of which parent they wanted to live with. BOTH BOYS had the option to do overnights at opposite houses and my (former) spouse and I kept things as amicable as possible.

.

If you're certain that being SINGLE would bring you 'peace of mind'---and that you're not taking this 'divorce action' expecting a 'hotter, more agreeable companion' to eventually enter your life...THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE A SERIOUS TALK WITH YOUR HUSBAND!

I think ALL of us like to "feel valued" (your term)...but value has to begin within OURSELVES! If you're "putting more into your marriage than what you're getting"---you MIGHT want to talk things out with a trusted friend, minister or someone you trust who can honestly LISTEN to your concerns...BEFORE seriously considering divorce?

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
In reply to: atober
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 9:29am

<>

Unfortunately, these are not the problems we are having because they seem more easily solved than what is actually happening (probably not to those that are having the other problems). We more disagree on how to live, his family in general, what to do on a given day, etc... He also, I feel, picks at everything I do. He has his opinion of what is right and/or the right way to do something and that makes all other's (mine) wrong. We grew up in two different areas and cultures and it didn't really show until later in the marriage unfortunately.

We decided to go to counseling but found out our insurance doesn't cover it and money is tight right now. Seems an important thing to skimp on but we really just don't have it.

I hope we can work this out on our own. Thanks for your feedback. Glad I found this board.

Alison

Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
In reply to: atober
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 9:36am

<>

This is what I am afraid of because my father and mother used to argue a lot and I know how this feels and don't want my girls to grow up that way.

<>

I know I would like to be single for awhile but would eventually look for someone more compatible to share my life with (hotter and more agreeable doesn't sound bad LOL).

<>

It's really weird, although it would be sudden to my husband, to me I have been thinking about it for a long time.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Alison

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
In reply to: atober
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 10:24am
Wisdomtooth is right! Divorce isn't always the answer, and if you think money is tight NOW, wait until you are trying to raise children in two separate households. Two rents or mortgages. Two electric and gas bills. Two phone bills. Two of everything. If money won't stretch for marriage counseling, it won't stretch for two homes. Based on my own experience, therapy was much cheaper than my living expenses now!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: atober
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 11:00am
Alison, I too agree with Wisdomtooth. For the sake of your family try some therapy. You can find the money. Most therapist will go off a sliding scale for those of us in need. Give your family a chance. Your children deserve it.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: atober
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 4:06pm
I understand how money can be tight. Do either one of you work for a company that has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? They normally offer several free counseling sessions. If not, Catholic Family Services or Jewish Family Services can offer counseling on a sliding fee scale, and you don't have to be of either religious background. Also, many community mental health centers do the same. I would strongly suggest you take a look around a little bit. Good luck.
Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
In reply to: atober
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 6:26pm

I am unemployed right now and my husband's company does have an EAP program. I guess either my original e-mail didn't sound very dire. But it is. He argues with me in front of the kids, cursing and saying things that children should not have to wonder about. He often acts more like my boss/dad than my husband. He really likes to tell me what I should/shouldn't do. I am totally uninterested in sex with him.

Can't think of more now but have to go

Alison

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: atober
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 6:39pm
These complaints are definitely serious. But I would still try counseling. If it doesn't work, it can be converted into separation/divorce counseling, which would help both of you.