Hi, trying to separate, advice please
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Hi, trying to separate, advice please
| Thu, 10-27-2005 - 8:41pm |
Hello everyone. Well, I cannot quite believe I am really here, lol, but I am - finally. Sorry if this is long and rambling....I have been married for 6 years, 5 of which were very unhappy, and I have been actively wanting to leave for the last 2. DH is still very (strangely) determined to hold onto the marriage, will not move out (true, he has nowhere to go), wants to try a new marriage counselor (to "talk sense into me"), etc...and I just want to be done with this marriage, already. In a very civil, friendly way, of course. He knows I consider us to be separated, we have had our own bedrooms for over two years, and I do not wear a ring. It is only the financial situation keeping me here, we have a child that requires a lot of care, I am the full time caregiver and cannot just go out and get a job, and he doesn't earn enough money for two modest households, so here we are. My parents finally got so fed up with watching me live in such a dysfunctional, verbally abusive situation they got me an apartment, but it is a real strain on them, they are retired and not at all wealthy. My lease is up in a few months anyways. Due to our child's extensive medical needs, I have not been able to be there very much, and that is very irritating to me. Of course I could on weekends, but that is DH's time. Basically, everyone's needs seem to take precedence over my own. I want to actually file for divorce, but then DH starts in on I must have some reason (like a boyfriend) to want to file immediately...which is not true. I just want to move on with my life. I am tired of being seen as the bad guy by him and his psycho parents....they are truly the in laws from hades, lol....I kid you not. Even DH tries to avoid them, yet is completely manipulated by them. Even his psychiatrist has said we obviously are incompatible, we have tried, etc...so let's split ways. No, DH just keeps a tight grip on a relationship that exists only in his mind, also views divorce as immoral, and therefore I am evil, and trying to take his child away from him. I obviously support their relationship, and visitation, but he very much objects to becoming a weekend Dad, although he is a very incompetent parent, it would just have to be day visits, he can't even handle bedtime. He wants to be able to see our child all the time, yet he cannot handle anything about parenting. So, I just don't know what to do...living like this, it is like living in the Twilight Zone. My parents said they will help me financially for a couple of years, that is all they can do, but I feel like it is just a free fall.....What do I do after that? Will I be able to work part time? SO much depends on my child's health, an unknown....not me and my motivation, I'd get a job today if it meant I could leave. I would absolutely have left this marriage 4 or 5 years ago if it weren't for trying to do everything possible to have an intact family and take care of my child, but I have come to realize that it is not possible with my DH. And i am not much for the "leap of faith" type moves, when it involves my child's well being. Should I just try to move out, and then file? Or, wait a while after moving to soften it a bit for DH? I just don't know, my head is spinning from dealing with him for the last 6 years, lol!! When I spend a few days at my apartment, I feel like a new person. I can think more clearly. My child behaves better, we both sleep better, I actually stop looking so haggard and pale, and actually get a nice healthy glow. My friends can literally tell when I am there because apparently my voice on the phone is so much happier. Yeah, I KNOW I need to leave, I really do. Of course, I mourn the fact that this hasn't worked out. I never thought I would be getting divorced. But, the reality is, I want and need to get out. I don't even know what exactly I am asking, just any thoughts would be appreciated. I don't know how to find a good lawyer, I don't work, how do I pay for one??? Oh yeah, and DH is a lawyer, lol...so that makes it all extra fun. But of course, he refuses to draw up the papers.

hi and welcome
divorce is not easy for anyone, whether you have money or not, whether your kids are *special needs * or not - its not easy. but i do believe that there are ways to solve most problems (lets call them 'challenges', not problems) in order to make the separation/divorce a reality.
it sounds like you have tried everything to make the marriage work, so there is no point in dragging it on. also, i am not sure what your son's problems are, but you are already saying that you see how the separation has been ahving a positive effect on him - that is also something to consider
so - the question is: how can you get divorced? how will you be able to afford to be divorced and be a SAHM? these are things you need to discuss with a lawyer (not your husband lol) and a social worker who can help you vis a vis your son's needs. there are always options: maybe sharing an apartment with a nother single parent? maybe moving someplace less expensive? etc.
I can tell you my own story: I don't live in the US (I live in isreal). my ex was extremely emotionally abusive and controlling (it was my second marriage, i have a son from my first marriage- he is now 19). my son had alot of problems and it was very difficult. he was suicidal, depressed, you name it. many people (including my ex) believe that my son was the reason we got divorced - but it wasn't the REASON. yes, it was a factor, but it wasn't the reason - the reason was that my ex was abusive to ME as well as to my son. anyway, as soon as we moved, my son has improved immensely. there is still a lot of problems and he still needs alot of help - but he is a changed person. so - i have no money, and i had to move into a very cheap apartment, and i have no car, etc - but i am so much happier right now. IN the past two years since we separated (we divorced a year ago) I went back to school, got a promotion at work and feel GREAT.
its up to you to regain control over your life. you CAN do this. hugs and prayers to you