his baggage breaking us

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
his baggage breaking us
4
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:22pm

Long story short: his ex wife manipulated in court (and won in the state of GA) and stole money and even lied about the date of the final decree so that she could forge his signature on credit cards in his name...no, we have no recourse because we did not press charges at first because we didn't know the extent. She had a lawyer/he did not because she manipulated that it was AMICABLE. Anyway, 5 years later, she has raised what was a cute little girl (1 year exactly from my daughter) to now a neurotic nightmare that rarly keeps her visitation because of her mothers controlling and psychotic behaviors. I no longer care that this child be involved in our family due to the violence and horrible maniplation that the ex wife and new husband (happends to be her sisters, childrens father........uggggg).

The PROBLEM is: it's his kid. He feels guilty abandoning her. Understandable, but I can't stand her, I have no extra energy for her, I have my issues with my own daughter (and I own my own biz and homeschool...no time for BS!)

If one more person said something so uneducated such as "but she is just a child"...I am NOT a horrible person for not wanting this child in my DD life. I am doing what is best for MY DD. I was turning to IVillage for suggestions about how to help save our marriage. We are both still very much in love, however as stated earlier, I believe the guilt is really hurting him. He wants the children together, which I have refused for almost two years (One of stays at a hotel, which is getting VERY old).

Am I the only one that is going through somthing so horrible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 11:28pm
It is very difficult to chose between your child and your spouse. If I had to make that choice, I would choose my dd. I am a package deal and if someone can't accept my dd, then they can't be with me either. You need to face that if you are making him choose, he may not choose you. That will be hard to accept, but it may be the only solution. Have you also been on the step-parenting boards? I know you are not the only one facing this type of situation, and you might get some additional advice/support there.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 12:06pm
Have you stepped back and tried to look at this situation objectively? If your husband wanted you to abandon your daughter, would you even consider it, or would you consider the request to be horrifying? You knew his child was part of his life when you got together with him. If his ex is everything you described, then your ex could be the only positive influence in his daughter's life, and for her to miss out on that could make a real difference in her future. Perhaps there is some neutral ground where your ex could spend time with his daughter but not with you and your daughter - taking her on outings, to his parents, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 12:34pm

I tend to agree with the sang and first. Honestly, it isn't fair for you to make your husband choose. Put the shoe on the other foot.


Being in a "bonus family" situation is never easy, but it's something you knew of when you met/married him. Don't make him choose, that is liable to push him away completely.


Good Luck!


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 12:43pm

Blending families.... especially with teens... is not easy, but it can be done.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~