His child....HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
His child....HELP!
14
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 1:25pm
I divorced last year. It was my choice and a wonderful thing. I'd been through several years of hell. In the process of the divorce, I dated a couple of men, just having fun and learned a lot about myself. I wasn't planning on ever falling in love again. But then....it hit me when I least expected it. I married the most wonderful man a couple of months ago. He is divorced and has a seven year old child. The problem....his seven year old still poops in her clothes every day. She will not poop on the toilet. She refuses. She's never gone poop on the toilet EVER. His ex wife and he change her every time she does it like a baby. I think she needs to see a psychiatrist. His exwife claims that she has taken the child to several specialists and that they say it's more normal than people think and that she'll grow out of it. I think that the child is mentally disturbed. She is a wonderful child other than that. But, it's causing major problems. I can't stand the smell in my house and I refuse to change a child that is not mine and that is old enough to clean herself. When I made her clean herself her mother got very angry at me and the child told them that I was mean and she was never coming to her dad's house again. I don't know what to do. I've tried going to several health sites and kids sites and can't find anything like this. My husband gets upset with me when I say anything because his ex wife won't make the daughter come with him if she doesn't want to and if I press it the kid refuses to come with him. They don't have a visitation schedule per say...he works nights and so he usually just sees her for a couple of hours after school and it was never a problem. Now she wants to come play with my kids and he is getting to spend more time with her. He won't do anything that makes her upset because he is scared she won't come over anymore. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
In reply to: lfked
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 1:47pm

I'm not a doctor, but in my opinion, yes there is something definitely wrong with a 7 year old who is still not potty trained. That is just horrible - both for you and the poor girl. She needs a physical and if there is nothing wrong, then psychological help...

Good luck.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lfked
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 1:48pm

There is a board here at IV regarding this. I can't remember the name of it though, but it's listed under the parenting bulliten boards. Good luck to you!

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: lfked
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 3:22pm
Thanks, Mel. I'm going to see if I can locate this board and post a link to it.




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Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lfked
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 4:07pm

It's called something like encopresis. I frequent the Frugal Families board and there are a couple moms there who are dealing with this. I'll post there and see what I can find.

Melanie

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lfked
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 5:50pm

Here you go, I found the board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-pselimprobs

I hope they have some ideas for you. I don't think you're being unreasonable in feeling like his little girl needs some medical attention.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
In reply to: lfked
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 8:34pm

Could be a disciplinary problem too. It doesn't appear that either of her parents want to step up and deal with the issues. They seem too afraid that she won't want to spend time with them if they hold her accountable.

Mom needs to stop making the visitation contingent on the kid WANTING to go. The girl is too young to make that determination. It is better for her to be involved in both of her parents lives.

What about school? I didn't think a child could attend school until they are potty trained.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: lfked
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:30pm

First of all, I agree with the other poster that said that visitation should not be dependent upon whether or not the child 'wants' to go. There really needs to be a schedule set up if at all possible. That way she knows that on X day she goes to dad's and that's that, no questions asked, no excuses.


I had a small problem similar to this, only it was with my four-year-old. His therapist (he's been seeing her since before the separation) said that there are two things that you cannot control when it comes to kids: eating and potty issues. These are the two things that only they can control at such a young age. Perhaps she feels she doesn't have much control of a situation? Maybe things at her mom's house are unstable or there isn't a real routine of any kind?


If it were me, I would also refuse to change her. And, her parents need to do so as well, IMHO. If she knows that mom and dad are going to clean up after her then she has no reason to change it. It works for her and she is getting whatever it is that she wants out of it. Everytime they do clean up after her it's the same as going and buying a beer for an alcoholic. They are enabling her behavior and by doing so they are telling her that even though they may say otherwise, they are really okay with this situation.


Obviously, there really could be some physical or neurological disorder that is behind all of this. If so, saying that it's common is not helping at all. Okay, so a specialist says it's common....and???? What can they do about it????


Don't change her. If you made her clean herself up and she was able to do so that says that she is capable of handling it. Maybe if mom and dad did the same thing she would stop this. I know that with my 4yo and 2yo if they throw their food at each other, they have to clean it up. Needless to say, this is no longer an issue at dinnertime!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
In reply to: lfked
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 8:12am
That's how I know that the kid knows what she is doing and can control it. She wears panties to school. She waits until she gets home every evening. When she was with us and her dad wasn't home she went into the bathroom, flushed the toilet and pretended like she was using the toilet. She came out with poopy pants. She knows exactly what she is doing.
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lfked
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 9:09am

I've been thinking about this situation and while I (luckily) have no experience in this, it sounds like it's about control. Perhaps this little girl is asserting her control over her body in this manner?

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
In reply to: lfked
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 9:27am
I'm beginning to think that it isn't control over her body but control over her parents. She didn't cry or anything when I made her take a shower when her dad wasn't home. However, when he was there she threw a temper tantrum from hell and he gave in and changed her rather than making her clean herself. When I told her her parents couldn't keep changing her forever she started crying and acting like it was the end of the world. But, when her parents weren't around she didn't give me a hard time. But then, her mom got really mad when she found out I made her take a shower and clean herself and I've been intstructed to stay out of it....

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