His lawyers letters to me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
His lawyers letters to me...
2
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:49pm

I know most of you have a lawyer. I still don't and I am just needing to vent I guess. Stbx is trying everything he can to trigger comments/reactions from me and make me feel defeated of course.

His lawyer has sent several letters in the past week. One is saying our oldest 'is in need of urgent counseling' and an appointment has been set up for him, which I totally disagree with and am not going to be flexible on at all. The stbx is trying to obtain a diagnosis which will help negate the oldest son's testimony and or voice in the issue regarding former abuse by the father I'm sure; the stbx has put in an email that he thinks son has ODD. Not true. Our son has no issues with other authority figures, no angry physical outbursts etc; only in relation to his dad's relationship with him.

Unbelievable to me still that stbx is using his children, his oldest son - whatever he can in this divorce. Apparently I need to realize now he is trying to show me 'unfit' since I won't just 'sign over the children to him'; though that has in the past never been part of either side of our custody case presentation.

The same letter also states oldest son (15) is not appropriate to babysit the younger children and that in the past he has been 'physical' with his siblings. I can't say he has 'never' been physical, but he certainly does not spank or hit them. He has on occasion picked them up out of a chair or off the floor etc, but nothing more than normal big-brother stuff. In addition, I do not leave him to babysit all the four young ones at all. He sometimes will care for two of them while I go pick up the other two from school (about a 20 min rountrip maybe); or if I go to the grocery store (less than 1/2 mile from my place) for quick pick up items, and I always have one or two of them with me; not leaving all four in his care anyhow.

The lawyer says he has 'information' that the older son tells the young children 'scary' things and it makes them have nightmares. Bull hockey. And is this all made up, or is one of the little children expressing these things to their dad? I of course don't really want to question any of them on this, as that would pressure them and just add to the mess.

The lawyer also stated it has been 'seen' that my youngest (5yo) sits in the front seat occasionally and that he is not 'always' in a bumper seat. Well, the vehicle holds only four passengers and the driver; and the children often fuss over who 'gets' to sit in the front seat. As to a child care seat; stbx has over 80% of our belongings in storage or in his possession and I have not had a car seat; I have applied at the police station for a 'free carseat' program and am on the list. Last week the stbx sent one of our THREE carseats he has out with the children for me to 'let me have' one for our son. How kind of him now.

I will forward a copy of the letter to the childrens lawyer. Don't know if that matters but I will. He is keeping the kindergardener home on his weeks, as he says the state law doesn't mandate kindergarten or school if they are less than 6. The school district has completed their testing and assessment of our autistic son and the IEP is set for Dec. 20; but he says he won't go to an IEP until January 12th; so they still will not be able to put our son in a special needs classroom or placement without the father signing.

I will find something more to be thankful for today and help out someone this week so I can not think about losing my sweet little ones to him. I just need to keep doing what I can; even when what I do doesn't seem like much. Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 10:37pm

I don't see anything in the letter that's going to really get you labeled as "unfit". I have a 15-year-old as well and I've had to speak to him about bullying his sister and filling her head with scary stuff. It's what kids do. One minute he's being a jerk to his younger sibs and the next he's off in a corner reading poetry or writing songs!! Kids are kids. It's not like he's off killing animals or seriously hurting his siblings.

Sound to me like they are "fishing" for stupid nit picky things. Don't get sucked into it, just keep ignoring him and don't let him see that he got a reaction out of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 4:11pm

My chosen career is that of a special education advocate and consultant. Although, I am not an attorney and can not give you legal advice, I can give you information and suggestions.

I assume that you are the custodial parent. Given that, the district must invite both parents to the IEP meeting. However, the school district also has a timeline to follow via the IDEA 2004. Do you know the date that the school district received written consent to begin the evaluation? The district has 60 CALENDAR days, per the IDEA 2004, to complete the evaluation AND hold a meeting to discuss the findings. That is why I asked when they received written permission.

If the January 12th date falls outside of the 60 calendar days, you can address that with the school district. (BTW, the IDEA 2004 is a updated version of the IDEA that was put in place on July 1, 2005. Many school districts have not updated. That does not mean that they don't have to follow the law. It may mean that you will have to be a pain in their neck or whatever else. LOL) The district must, by law, ask him to participate in a meeting via mail, email, and phone several times before they can hold a meeting without him. IF the January 12th date will exceed the timeline, I would suggest that you start calling the district daily and asking if they have been in contact with him in order to stay within the 60 calendar days that they are given via the IDEA 2004. They can and should try to make arrangements to have him participate via phone or any other means available to him. If he can't or won't participate, that is his problem. He can call another IEP meeting at any time.

As for the counseling for your ods, with what they have done, you almost have to take him to a counselor or psychiatrist or psychologist or look like a bad mother to the courts for neglecting him. KWIM? However, you do NOT have to take him to the person that he and his attorney chose. Choose someone that you want. Unless there is a very specific court order about joint custody, you should not have to inform him of when and where that appointment is. If he finds out, fine. Let him talk to the doc/counselor and get the info. Another option is to ask the school to provide counseling for ods. Since the whole divorce is most likely affecting him academically, the school would have to provide counseling at school.

I hope this helps. If you want to pop over, I'm the cl on the IEPs, 504 Plans, and Special Education board. :)

Steph


"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."


-Mark Twain


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