his not happy and wants out

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
his not happy and wants out
9
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 10:38am
Well my husband of 3 1/2 years told me his not happy with me anymore and doesn't want to be with me and that maybe we should seprate maybe even divorcee that he thinks we both will be alot happier. well my world is turned upside down i didn't even see it coming, we just found out 1 1/2 months ago that i'm pregnant with our 2nd child, we were trying! He says it's all my questioning every time he goes out and comes home that he does nothing for me to question him, that he can't be with someone that does not trust him, well i'm his wife should'nt i know what his doing and who he is with? Especaily if a women that he works with brings him home 2 in the morining? they all went out for some drinks one night and was suppose to be home at 12am and he called at 1am to say he was on his way home which is only 15mins away and his friend was suppose to bring him home but he says that his friend was too drunk to bring him home so he drove his friend home and the girl dropped him off why didn't he call me, he says its no big deal!! He say's he loves me and he always will and that he will be there for the children and all, he says there's no one else, we've been together for a total of 8 yrs how can he throw everything away, i cry all the time, my life is falling apart, but the hard thing is after a week he wanted me back so i came home for 2 nights, but then he accused me of sending my sister to spy on him and i did not, i ask him to go away with me so we can be together for a weekend but he says he's not ready for that that he's still unhappy, so he says maybe i should move back to me mom's. So i moved back to my moms. When i talk to him he seems so angry at me and has an attitude, but he's say this is tearing him up inside also, but why can't he try to make it work. He said he talked this girl for support and advise but why would he call her 230 in the morning, i think there is something with her, but i'm not sure. She is also married. My life is falling apart i stil love him and want to be with him, and i don't know what to do, i just need someone's advise that may have been in a similar situation, becasue my heart is braking inside. i agreed to give me time to think and he says he has alot of thinking to do. but it's so hard, not having him beside me at night and waking up to him in the morning, and my son ask's for his daddy all the time and it brakes my heart. please any adivise
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 11:22am

oh gosh honey i am sooooo sorry! this is going to be so painful and difficult for you. i really don't know what to say to you - you know that if your husband wants to get divorced there is very little (if anything)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 12:59pm

Hugs to you, angelfly. I think many of us here have experienced similar feelings from the shock of having our worlds turned upside down by our spouses. I agree that you really need to consult with a lawyer. You're in a vulnerable state right now and may not be thinking clearly because you are so emotional - you need a lawyer to help you understand what your rights are and where you stand so you don't agree to anything that isn't in your best interest (eg. whether moving to your mother's is the best thing for you).

If your husband is willing to work on the relationship, couples counselling could be a big help to figure out what your problems are. If he's not willing, you could still benefit from individual counselling.

As for his 'friendship' with his co-worker - I don't blame you for being suspicious of him when he's out of the blue asking for a divorce and coming home late with another woman he's also calling at 2:30 in the morning. Her being married doesn't mean anything. It's possible it is just innocent, but he's at least being pretty insensitive of your feelings.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 1:06pm
Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are so sad. What I don't understand though-is why is he making you move out? If he wants to be apart, ok, then he should go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 1:33pm
Thank you for your advise it means alot, because like i said i'm fully blown away with all of this. thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 2:28pm
Well it's his house he bought it in his name only 1 month before we got married, he said i can stay there but i told him i can't stay when you don't want to be with me, +he will be out everynight while i'm home with our son, i don't think its right, but i'm happy that my son is staying with me. i try not to feel sorry for him because he's the one doing this to us, but i have a very kind heart and it's hard for me to be mean, even though he hurt me so much. He keeps asking if i'm ok, my parents say i shouldn't let him know how sad and hurt i'am but i'm trying to be strong infront of him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 2:47pm

Hugs to you, I just don't understand men. Sometimes I don't think they understand themselves. My husband says he don't know if he wants me anymore, We don't have children involved so I guess that's the only good thing, but I left him last summer for the samething, and I just don't know anymore. So I can't really give any good advise just vent alot.
I just hope everything works out in the childs favor, they are the ones that suffer the most out of a divorce. I came from a broken home and I know how hard it is on a child. I was 6 when my dad left, it was awful, but it was for the best, a child doesn't realize that until they get older. I can see your point on not wanting to stay in the house without him, I feel the same way. If we do divorce, I'm leaving, and i'm taking everything almost everything. He will so surprised to see what is left a couch, chair, tv, washer, and dryer, and that's it. Well, his bed, but everything else is mine, and it's going with me in a storage unit until I get my own place. I pray all the time everything will work out, but you know how it goes. You just never know anymore what life is going to throw at you.. I wish you and your baby the best in the world, and just keep posting, it makes you feel alot better to know there are people out there who will listen.

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 4:28pm

I read your post earlier and have debated on whether or not to reply. I do not want to say anything that will cause you more pain and make you doubt you H any more than you already do, but I at least want to make a few comments because your post brought back so many memories for me.

My ex started acting funny while I was pregnant with our second baby (also pretty much planned). We had only been married almost 3 years, close to you. Right after our 2nd daughter was born (like 2 days after) he told me wasn't happy, that he loved me and cared for me but was not "in love" with me and didn't think he wanted to stay married. I asked about someone else, but of course, he would NEVER do that. Things just never seemed right. He would go out, started using good cologne, erasing calls from his cell phone, etc. Long story short, I caught him by checking his cell phone records on-line. Then the story was she was just a friend to confide in. Again, long story short the truth came out. Full blown affair. And yes, she was married too and they all 3 worked together. I guess I could have fought for and maybe won him back (no garuantees though), but I felt so betrayed and made a fool of (which I was) and I knew I could not live with someone that could lie so directly to my face. Now, I'm not saying you H is having an affair. However, even if he is confiding in someone other than you, then he is taking away from your marriage.

I SO understand your pain. When I first got back to work from maternity leave, I was still crying all the time. I couldn't even make it a full day at work. On top of that I had to deal with MY babies being around another woman, not to mention her getting MY husband. As hard as it is to hear right now, it does get easier to deal with. Of course, it's been 1 1/2 years for me and I'm just recently getting use to "her" being around my kids. Yes, we have divorced and they are together. He's made subtle hints and wanting to come back, but I'm not going there (issues of abuse were present in our marriage and I will not go back to that).

So, let it all out, cry all you want/need to. Ask him to go to counseling. Spy on him if you have to. In my opinion (and I realize others may not agree), you are his wife and you deserve to know if there is more going on than he is willing to confess to. My ex would get so angry and defensive if I accused him of the very thing he was doing! There are things I wish I would have handled differently, but it's all a smack in the face when it hits. I didn't burn his things, I didn't go after her, I didn't see revenge.....however, I did make him move out and I am living a better life. I'm lonely, but it's better than living a life wondering where he is and who he is with.

Again, I hope you ex is NOT keeping things from you. If he is simply wondering if he's happy in the marriage, I believe it could be salvageable. Fight for what you want, but be sure to demand the respect you deserve!

Let me know if you need anything at all! Take care of yourself!

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 9:44pm
I am so sorry for what is going on with your H, I am there right now too, so I am sorry if I dont have any wisdom as of yet. I know it is even more stressful when you are pregnant, Unfortunately, I went down that road too with my H while I was pregnant with my last son. I just wanted to tell you that I will pray for you and I hope everything turns out well for you
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2005
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 6:52am
Thank you for sharing that with me, it sounds exactly what i'm going through, and i haven't put that there isn't something going on with her, because i have checked our cell phone bill, i let him have the cell so he can call for his son, anyway he has called her several times, and there's this one number that say's its a friend but i'v never heard of? but i can't really say anything about the calls becasue his reason of being unhappy is all my questioning and not trusting him so it would make things worse, but i will find out i'm still happy but i think more mad right now, and yes i feel like slapping her, but i'm not one to do that, thank you for your input it helps.