His phone call

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
His phone call
6
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 9:26pm

STBX and I will be final on 08/09/05.

His days during the week are M & TH but he changed to T & Th because he had pool and dart leagues.

Then he changed back to M & TH because he didn't want to go without seeing our daughter becaue It was my holiday and weekend over the 4th and he called and said I want it changed back to M & TH and I said what about when it was your weekend and holiday for Memorial day and I didn't get to see her and he said too bad.

So today he calls at work and says "Can I switch Th for F becaue my grandmother is having a birthday party and I just found out about it." I said "Well (nicely) I wish I would have known because she was going to an outing with her little girlfriend and babysitter and I alread told her she coiuld go." He said "BUT MY grandma is SICK and she is dying and this will probably be the last time she is seen and on and on and on and you F&$#$% B*%%$ and you better hope nobody is on their deathbed in your family and you ask me to change because I will say F#%% U!!!!" SLAM!!!

Mind you he called me at work and my boss was right there.

Sooooo

i compose myself and call him back and ask if he can talk to me like an adult?! He says NOPE NOT TO YOU!!! Whatever. So I said I didn't know your grandma was sick maybe if you would of said "Hey my grandma is sick and she needs to go on dialysis and I just found out she is having a birthday party Friday." But no you call and say "Hey my grandma's birthday is Friday and can I switch!" I said I can't be chaning my days just becuse something is going on for you at the drop of a hat. She has missed numerous birthdays in my family, weddings, open houses because she has been with you. He says well my grandma is dying and what if it would of been someone in your family. Well I said my uncle (that he knew I was close with) died and you had her for the weekend did I ask you - no. So don't tell me what if this happened to you.

Then he proceeds to tell me - well when DD was with him this past weekend she told him "I want to live with you Daddy. Why in the heck do you think a 5yr little girl would NOT want to live with her own mom." He said do you think she is lying? (sarcastically) I said no. He said what you think she is tellig the truth. I said I think she is but in the context of when she is with you she cherishes you. Because when she looks forward to seeing you - you ditch on her and when she is with you on the weekend you and you ditch her to go out of course when you tell her it is time to go home she doesn't want to leave because she didn't get to see you enough but I don't think she knows exactly what that means. He said oh NO it is because you are an awful mom, you are mean , you hate everyone and if she grows up like you God help her.

This coming from a dude that stayed with me for 10 years and then we broke up and we got back together had a baby (now 5yr) then he left then we got back together and got married then we fought and he had an affair and I am paying for the divorce and he is in arreage of child support. But he is living high on the hog.

What gives him the right to YELL and CURSE and mme!!!It isnt my fault he approached me that way and it isn't my fault it isn't like I scheduled plans for our daughter on his day?

Advice --- please

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: feliciarg
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 4:19pm

I think he has a lot of growing up to do..... and he needs to understand that people... not just you... are much more receptive to someone that speaks nicely and who is polite.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
In reply to: feliciarg
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 6:47pm
Don't engage him.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
In reply to: feliciarg
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:14am

Honey, it's amazing how so many of our ex's are the same in their behavior and it can only be because they know what a good thing they had and screwed up. There is no other LOGICAL EXPLANATION for them to be so miserable.

My ex and I have been over for over a year now. He's so inconsistent with his visitation with our son it makes me SICK! He has cancelled, wanted me to change my plans so he can take him when "he" wants (Ive done that for him and he was so ungrateful) he has shown up 2 - 3 hours late, has called at the last minute saying he wants to take him and everything. So I got fed up and began setting boundaries. I told him he had to let me know 2 days in advance if he wanted to get him otherwise if I dont hear from him I will make plans, he said okay. Last time he had him was father's day. 3 weeks had passed since he last saw him and he cancelled on getting during that time. Then 3 weeks ago he called me on a Friday at 9:30pm saying he wanted to take him the next morning. HA! But I politely said wow, if you would have asked me yesterday (like we agreed I thought to myself) it would have been okay but I made plans already. He got quiet, then went ballastic on me. Saying I always have him, he's his father and he has rights so I said why cant we compromise. How about when I get home I'll call you and you can get him then, he said he's not waiting around for me all day, just let him have him. He then said he's going to court for visitation and hung up.

He then called back 5 min. saying how Im keeping him from his son, how I NEVER let him have him when he wants to and he is his dad and should take precedence over anything else and how unfair I am and I have no right to do that. I tried explaining to him the whole point in me going was so the baby would have kids his age to play with. He would hear of it. He said he was coming to me job to get the 2nd copy of the birth cert. and I told him dont do that, he said watch me and hung up. I knew he wanted to cause a scene by coming to my job so I waited a few min, called him back and before I could even say anything he said Dont call my house this late and hung up but he can call me all hours of the night (he moved back in with his Grandmother). I was furious then and waited 15 minutes called him back anyway, he answered and told him NOT to come to me job b/c I still have a restraining order(it's not in effect anymore)and he will be in trouble and I hung up. I felt forced to tell him this (I wanted to scared him a bit to keep him from making a scene at my job) Well I then got a phone call from that was mind blowing: Short version was he told me now because of ME our son doesnt have a father, I can keep our son, he has his twin girls and he will just deal with them. And he knows he cant replace him but he can damn sure have another son and that's exactly what he will do, have another one, said last summer that's why he had his girls b/c of me keeping our son from him and Im doing it again. He's doesnt want visitation and I can change our son's last name to my last name and he hung up. Tomorrow it will be 3 wks since he said that. It's been 6 wks since he saw our son. IT'S HIS LOST. He doesnt deserve the wonderful son I have. It took me a yr and 4mths to stop hoping he would change and see him for the GARBAGE he really is. I have the Last Laugh. He walked out on an amazing baby and woman. Deep down I think he knows it and that's why he behaves the way he does. Your not alone honey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
In reply to: feliciarg
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 9:20pm

Yes I know when my X ditches my DD it is his loss. I hate him I truly do but I loveee my DD. He will get her on Monday for his 2 week uninterrupted visit. I can picture my DD crying and him not letting her call me. Just because he would do that.

I am going to die without her. It is just me and her and I love her all the time. He has tons of nieces and nephews and he just ditches her there (oh yeah another kid conceived probably when my DD was in the same bed as him and her while we were still married)but ohwell.

I won't survive I am not as strong as some of you women on here that have done this without your kids.

Right now I am dying and crying because I don't want her to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
In reply to: feliciarg
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 10:05am

You are much stronger than you know, you just cant see it right now. Im still learning how to be strong and still have a long way to go, I have made progression yes girl it was a long, rough, emotional rollercoaster to get there. Just check any of my previous posts from a couple of months back you'll see how much of a wreck I was after confrontations with my ex. It was always up and down but I see now that was because of how unstable he is and I let it get to me every time and he knew he "had me". He doesnt anymore. It's been 3 great weeks of no contact at all and it really does work. I mean even now if he started calling again wanting to see the baby I would keep it STRICTLY concerning the baby.

YOU WILL SURVIVE, YOU ARE SURVIVING ALREADY! I know how it breaks your heart to have to hand your daughter over to him but he is her father and we cant change that. Whenever that time came for me I wanted to just die, especially b/c I knew he would have the baby around his new gf and I felt like I was being replaced.

I learned I had to keep telling myself it's not about "me anymore" that my son loves his dad and enjoys being with him and that was all that mattered. I know his dad loves him as I do and would not knowingly hurt him. My problem was I always thought we'd be together forever and I never imagined that "I" would stop being his first priority. It was a blow to my ego and it hurt like hell. I had convinced myself that b/c he hurt me, he would somehow hurt the baby but he wouldnt have. I do have to say that I really resent him for his most recent outburst about he wants nothing to do with the baby anymore and blaming me for that. But to hell with him.

The one thing that really concerns me that would have to be changed is why is your daughter not allowed to call you when she's visiting him. Do you guys have visitation set up through court? Why is there a 2 week long uninterrupted visit with them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
In reply to: feliciarg
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 8:29pm

Yes our visitation is set up through the "Aint No Friend of the Court of Mine!!!"

Next summer she will be 6 and she is to go every other WEEK 7 days!!! I hate that thought.

I know that if she cries for me he will just try to pacify her so she doesn't get to call me. Yes he would be that awful. And honestly when she is with me she NEVER asks to call him even after she knew he got a new cell phone. but if she really wanted to talk to him I would let her.

I really don't think he can handle her for 14 days straight I think she will miss me - I mean she HAS to right?!! If she doesn't miss me I will be shattered. Do I want her to cry for me and want to come home the first night. No but after 5 yes I do. BUt I will not call her. If she is doing well I will NOT want to try to disrupt that but if she calls me you bet I will be rigth there for her.

I know that it wont kill me 2 weeks right because there are other moms you have to go 6 straight weeks without them or the whole summer. So what is 2 weeks - gosh eternity for me.

Thank you for posting. I appreciate it.