Hit me like a ton of bricks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Hit me like a ton of bricks
12
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 12:40pm

I was married for 17 years and he and I divorced three years ago. Our child was 8 when we divorced. There was all kinds of reasons for the divorce, just built up, but the main reason was because of his infidelity. I have been doing well with everything until this past Friday. He calls me up and tells me that he wanted to tell our daughter that he is seeing someone. I thought it was a good idea just so she wouldn't find out from someone else. Alrighty then....here's the kicker. He is seeing the woman that he saw 9 years ago while married to me. She caused me alot of pain and now he is introducing her to our daughter this weekend. This whole weekend all this bitterness, anger and hurt has come back on me. I was doing fine and now it's all come back like a big tidal wave.

How do I get rid of this anger and bitterness? What really confuses me is that I don't want him, I just don't want this woman in my daughter's life. I wishing things I shouldn't like ......I hope she doesn't like this woman, even though that would make it hard for my daughter if she doesn't.......I wish him dead, which you shouldn't wish on anyone. I guess I am just confused on why this is effecting me this way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 5:12pm

Congratulations on making it through the weekend. Remember children are much more perceptive then we like to think they are. Its not unreasonable to not like your ex's new gf. She did after all get involved with your ex husband. How much respect are you supposed to have for a woman who was involved with a married man. You have reason to be concerned when you know that she is the kind of person who deosn't mind being with other peoples husbands. I'm not saying you should hold onto to your negative feelings.... you shouldn't they are only going to hurt you and mabe your daughter... keep letting them go. I just wanted you to know your not crazy to be feeling the way you do. Its natural to feel protective. But in the end it probly will bite him in the butt.

best wishes
jules

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 6:10pm

Oh Honey, i am so sorry. My mom went thru this & it was H*ll. My father cheated for YEARS w/ the woman he eventually married (among MANY others). They (Dad & Step-m) stayed married 22 years & my Mom was bitter the entire time. For good reason, not only was she VERY instrumental in breaking up my parents marriage, but she wrote & published a BOOK about it!, she continually pushed my Dad away from us, she lied about us children, she ruined my Dads realationship w/ my brother, they beacme very wealthy & flaunted it in my moms face as she was on disabiliyt, she was PURE EVIL. & it hurt my mom SO much for so long. My Mom passed away a bit over a year ago, at age 60. Shortly b4 that, my Dad & my step-m divorced ... i truly think, & sadly think, that much of my moms hanging on w/ a long term deadly illness for all these years (23 years, when 50% of the people w/ Scleroderma die withing 5 years) was waiting for them to split up! The good thing is my Dad went to see my mom to make ammends (he is in AA) & she forgave him. He promised her that we (my brother & I) would always be taken care of & he apologized for everything he ever did to her over the years. I am so grateful he did that, b/c it helps me to know she died with some peace.

Jealousy, anger, & bitterness ... it is SO hard to live healthy with. I encourage you, no matter HOW hard it is, to do what you can to stay as neutral as possible. Even though my mom was RIGHT about my Dad & Step-M, it made it REALLY REALLY tough on us kids when we felt we had to choose ....

Hugs to you, Im sorry for what is happening, R~

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