hit the turning point...new here
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| Tue, 10-10-2006 - 3:57pm |
I have hit that turning point where I know, now more than ever, that I do not love H and would like a divorce. We recently had our 13 yr anniversary, in which we married after only 2 months of hot dating. Lol! I cannot really pinpoint when I actually fell out of love with him but feel it was years ago.
It is the "good little Catholic girl" syndrom that has kept me there, feeling like it was what I SHOULD do. I mean, forget my own happiness, right? Lets be a martyr. Lol!
We have 2 children…6 yr old DS & 2 yr old DD. The only doubt I have right now is for the childrens sake…again, a reason to stay together? I know many people do, I have until now as well.
The short story is that H, himself, asked for a D back in August in haste and anger. When he saw that I was eager to comply he freaked out and said all the right things for me to give it another go. Ever since then I have contemplated how wonderful a life I could make with my children without him…leading to me expressing this desire a few days ago.
He is definitely in panic mode and is saying (once again) he will do everything I have ever wanted him to do if we can stay together. Lets see…this would include treatment for his alcoholism, quitting the nasty dipping habit he has, get a job, have some ambition, respect me/adore me…heck, just act like you like me, do things as a family instead of me and the kids always going alone, allow my family in our home…just to name a few. While this would have pleased me in the past, it does nothing for me right now. I have no emotion, I am dead and numb to his advances, and that tells me something.
Is this how you know for sure? I cannot muster up one tear for the loss of HIM….instead my anxiety and tears come from all the logistics that will go along with this huge life change. Again…a reason to stay together? It was in the past and I think I am finally saying that it is not a good enough reason any longer.
This is my first time posting on the board. I am sure I will find all sorts of great feedback and answers in archives but wanted to introduce myself and come on in for support.
My name is Carrie and I am 35.
Good luck to everyone going through this! Please tell me you coped w/ your final decision and how you were breaking your kids heart.


Hi and welcome.
I can relate to much of what you have said. I'm certain the great majority of us can. When you let those "shoulds" sneak in it's extremely hard to make a decision based on your heart and not your head.
Apathy is a huge marker in the demise of a relationship. If you're not there yet, it will likely evolve into disgust. It's a very sad state when you find yourself repelled by your spouse.
Truly, my belief is that the children will flourish when the parents flourish. For myself, I know that I will flourish when I make the break. (I'm currently looking for a house to purchase in an area close to my family, and am still living with STBX) I believe that if I am fine, the children will be as well. And in spite of what some people will have you believe, there is mounting evidence that children benefit much more from 2 happy parents in their lives than 2 unhappy parents.
My STBX and I have been sleeping separately since January. We have been struggling for years. My children don't have the benefit of seeing an appropriately modelled marital relationship. I don't want that for them. I'd rather they see 2 satisfied, whole, but separate individuals, than 2 fragments that are held together by a piece of paper, but no trust, love, or joy.
It's hard letting go. It's hard dealing with the guilt and fear. I suspect that there are many women here who can attest to how much their lives have improved since facing the fear and guilt and moving on.
Carrie,
I too have been married for 13 years. I am seeking a divorce for a similar and different reason then yours. My husband has been struggling with addictions (alcohol and gambling) for the entire time of our manage. It has been a rollar coaster ride to say the least. I have three children whom adore their daddy. Ages 9 and 4 year old twins. I am no longer in love with my husband and cannot stay in this marriage any longer. I met with a lawyer yesterday whom validated my feeling of doing the right thing.
Your kids will be okay as long as you both commit to making this as easy for them as possible. What I mean is not fighting in front of them, and trying to get a long as well as possible during the seperation. I plan on bringing my older son to counseling (he is currently seeing someone for adhd), and plan on continuing it until I see that he no longer needs it. I too, struggled for years of the decision of staying in the marriage for the kids. But one day I realized that they will come out of this okay, because I did. I am one of seven in my family, my parents divorced when I was 10. My dad was an alcoholic, he left the state when my mom asked him for a divorce, and left her with 7 kids and a restaurant. I was basically raised by my sibs and feel that I came out of it okay. As a matter of fact all of us are very close now and have successful careers. Anyway, my point is, kids are resiliant, and they will be okay as long as they are loved. That's what I am counting on for my kids.
Hope this helps,
Tina
Carrie,
I too have been married for 13 years. I am seeking a divorce for a similar and different reason then yours. My husband has been struggling with addictions (alcohol and gambling) for the entire time of our manage. It has been a rollar coaster ride to say the least. I have three children whom adore their daddy. Ages 9 and 4 year old twins. I am no longer in love with my husband and cannot stay in this marriage any longer. I saw a lawyer yesterday whom validated my feeling of doing the right thing.
Your kids will be okay as long as you both commit to making this as easy for them as possible. What I mean is not fighting in front of them, and trying to get a long as well as possible during the seperation. I plan on bringing my older son to counseling (he is currently seeing someone for adhd), and plan on continuing it until I see that he no longer needs it. I too struggled for years of the decision of staying in the marriage for the kids. But one day I realized that they will come out of this okay, because I did. I am one of seven in my family, my parents divorced when I was 10. My dad was an alcoholic, he left the state when my mom asked him for a divorce, and left here with 7 kids and a restaurant. I was basically raised by my sibs and feel that I came out of it okay. As a matter of fact all of us are very close and have successful careers. Anyway, my point is, kids are resiliant, and they will be okay as long as they are loved. That's what I am counting on for my kids.
Hope this helps,
Tina
Hi Carrie,
If you aren't happy... you're not doing your kids justice by staying.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Carrie, I recognized your name from another board.
Hi Carrie,
You know the answer to the question and you sound like you're on the right path. I felt exactly as you do when my ex told me if I don't like his crappy attitude I should call a divorce attorney. Not a tear was shed, I felt so amazing and alive and you know I too only cried when it came to the kids and out of sheer frustration of him being him through the divorce and now. My honest opinion is that it's better for our children to see us happy than to see a poor relationship modeled as a marriage. It's nearly two years since we seperated the final time and I have never regretted it.
Melanie