hmmmm, what if ......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
hmmmm, what if ......
20
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 2:27pm

I will admit, I am working on things with my relationship with OW. We have set some ground rules and hopefully, my goal, for the children we will be able to co-exist for my 6 year olds birthday party in February as one big happy family without any hard feelings. ( that's my goal anyway )


She did ask me something today, if I think they should tell me if they are engaged, married, pregnant.


It made me think.... and I have never thought about this until now.... what if he marries her?


I have gone over this in my mind. I do not want him and I am positive my heart belongs to someone else now... the problem is, how do you deal, even though you are happy with someone else, how do you deal with the htought of him marrying someone else?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:05pm

It's allllllllllllllllll about patterns.


Do you think your XH is settling for the first thing that comes along that is willing? I am sorta thinking that's where my X's head is at......


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:07pm
I found out about this place because when a friend of mine was divorcing back February she told how she was getitng a lot of help from here. I figured hey, I am divorced why not? I started reading but never posted. Then back in March I saw your pictures with your kids and you looked familiar. I checked out your profile and it said you were in BF,NY! I knew it had to be you.
No, I never met you face to face butI did see you out with him in the mall, Walmart and I believe IHOP? Something like that. Anywho I finally found the courage to post and here I am....5 years ago I never would have been able to do this! Yes 2 years it took to stop the feelings from coming: hurt,hate,anger,and resent). But I promise it does get better after AF! :)
~J
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:29pm

Wow, small small world. haha.


I gotta say, I give you complete credit. You are an inspiration to me, the reason I decided to try to work things out with OW.


I do know that it does get better than AF.... my BF now is phenominal and I am finally taking care of me. Did you fall into the "losing yourself" trap with him? When I met him I was thin, trendy, happy, bubbly.... then BOOM! 6 years later I find myself OLD before my time, quiet, unhappy, FAT, among other things. It's like he sucks you in.


I have never been to IHOP.....lol... I know I know..... but Dave C did see you there once. He and his now wife were there. I still talk to both of them, after our accident thing, then all the other stuff, we finally got back in touch just before X left.


I am so surprised we didn't ever meet face to face. This is a SMALL town. I could tell you so much.


You mention living with your mom before. His mom moved in with us for almost a year. That was THE most gruling time. Having her there was terrible on our relationship and on me.


Oh, and you have to have a little bit of satisfaction in the money thing.... you left him with a lot more of a reminder financially

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:32pm
My 2XH didnt even try to fight for the kids. When I left him we came straight here to stay with my friend. He knew where we were. I filed for everything.I have sole custody. He didnt fight for anything. He has them every other extended weekend. Usually Friday-Monday or Tuesday.If he wants to come and pick them up he knows he can anytime. He lives in Niagara Falls. That's why alot of time OW was picking them up during the day if he had to work late. Before OW he stayed out here with his friends for the weekend with the kids. It was always a fun fest with daddy! In the fall he will be having shorter weekends because our oldest starts Kindergarten. But he will have them for 2 weeks and then I for 2 weeks and so on in the summer. That is going to be the hardest for me! I have never gone that long without seeing them! But if I cant handle it I might just go visit my family and pop in over there. That was already discussed! He has popped in (of course calling ahead) many times here too!I use to have problems with CS. He hated giving it to me. I think he thought I was going on a spending spree for myself. If I had anything new he would make comments. Now it just goes right into the kids accounts. Helps to have a hubby who is a teacher and loves your kids!
Yes the pattern with him does seam to repeat itself. I wouldnt worry yourself about it. One day some woman will do it to him and hopefully wake him up! Yes it took some time but I am finally where I always wanted to be in life. I really know what a real marriage/love is suppose to be. My EX2 and I married fast because of a baby on the way. So it was probably doomed from the beginning.We had a lot of getting to know each other and having a baby moments (if you know what I mean) that lead to our marriage failing. I didnt give up though! We tried counseling. The affair though just helped seal the deal. I wouldnt change what happened in the past. I love my kids and it made me who I am today.
~J
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:33pm

Possibly......He met her on the internet. I think he keeps trying to find someone he can control easy. His first wife was in the Navy as was he when he met her. She is a very controlling individual. So it never would have worked out with them anyway. They just butted heads to much. Then came me.I was quiet and a very good listener. I never said my opinions to much therefore I ended up depressed and controlled. That's when SO stepped in. One of these days I will open up my whole complicated situation. It will be a long post. Now the ex has GF and I'm not sure by his being nice right now what to expect.

I know he married first wife in front of a JP. He said she told him she was PG.(not sure if that was true) So it was rather quick. He asked me to marry him after only 4 mo of being with him. I was young and stupid. I was only 18 guess I grew up during marriage. So I'm not sure if marriage plans are inhis future. They would have to wait until her DV is final. She only filed last MO.

What a tangled web.....

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:40pm
Wow I totally forgot about that! Wow I am so sorry! it probably made him a crabby pants!
Oh yeah it must have been Dave wo I saw....wow DC finally married? Good for him! Never though he would after what he went through! Let him know I am sorry for trying to put him in the middle of all that.
YES!!! I kinda turned into a unhappy slob when he wasnt communicating with me. I was trying so hard to make him happy! Meanwhile I wasnt taking care of me.
Ah well we win some we lose some... the best loss I ever had!
~J
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:44pm

I feel the same way.


If XH hadn't have cheated on me with her, I would not be who I am today. I am thankful to XH for that. I have 3 beautiful kids, I look and feel a million times better, I can live out my dreams in school and do things smartly ( if that's

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 6:31pm

Well atleast when I asked him what was wrong he told me it was "work"..... maybe things with him are improving! He went from not telling you a thing, to lying to me and saying it was work....LOL!


Yeah he was mad about the money thing at first..... I think I find great satisfaction in him not being able to do anything like buy a house or a car because his credit is SHOT. Atleast I can have that over him ;) ( thanks to you ! )


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 9:37am

I think part of the reason I had a hard time when I heard that my ex is now with OW is because I think they will get married (and then I think it's likely it will fall apart, lol). But for me the upsetting part isn't the thought of him with someone else or marrying someone else. I don't want him - I had a chance to take him back and didn't, and if he were to come crawling to me on his knees now I'd tell him to be careful the door didn't hit him on his way out. So the thought of them together bothers me more because it brings back my feelings of wounded pride and low self-esteem (that I was lacking and she's somehow better). But once I got over the initial shock of it, and started looking at it objectively, I realized that she does have something I don't. She and my ex are much more alike than my ex and I were. They're both very selfish, have low morals, hypocritical (hold others to a higher moral standard than they expect of themselves), will lie to get what they want, and both took marriage vows without revealing to the person they married that they had a secret side of themselves that involved a fling on the side. It may sound like I'm bitter when I say that, but I'm not saying it bitterly, and I'm not saying they have no good qualities. I'm just saying that I'm not surprised they were drawn to each other - birds of a feather... I'm sure when I do have to see them together I'll still feel a little twinge of emotion - no matter how over him I am, it's an awkward situation, we were together a long time, and even if it wasn't her it would be weird to see him with someone else. But as I shift my focus from being negative (i.e. oh no, it's going to be so hard to see them) to being positive (they'll hardly recognize me as the same person - I'm so much more content, confident, and stronger emotionally than when I was with him), I feel less and less anxious over the possibility. So maybe you could try to redirect your thinking when it comes to OW - when you catch yourself having a thought that upsets you, try to think about something good about yourself instead - how you've got a beautiful new child with a man who you love and loves you back, that you have a great support system, that you are achieving your goals, etc.

You're making real progress to try to establish a cordial relationship with OW. Just remember that although she doesn't have to be your enemy and you can establish a cooperative relationship, she's really not going to be your 'friend' again. Keep her at the level of a work acquaintance you only see at work - you're pleasant, but you keep the relationship only to what it has to be. If you keep her at arm's length, you don't have to worry about her insinuating herself into your life and then turning on you.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 5:25pm
I would think that it would be good for you to know these type things in order to help the kids adjust and answer questions that they might have about it... and it's better for THEM (the kids)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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