Hope this helps those with cheaters.....
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| Sat, 03-11-2006 - 2:40pm |
Last night I told one of my dear friends my entire story of my STBX's double life and affair. She is a very wise friend (I've known her since 2nd grade and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding). She is happily married and gave me some great insight that made me feel better about myself and my STBX's bleak future.
Quick background: My STBX and I have been together for 13 years. Right before we married 2 1/2 years ago we moved in with his parents so we could both return to school. It was hard on his ego especially. Last July he met the neighbor across the street, lied to her, told her we were divorcing and began a relationship with her. She moved in September (after HER divorce, actually her second divorce and she is 29), conveniently near my husbands work and my H told me and his family that he needed to work nights b/c of school and his job suddenly became very demanding (lies). This is when he basically moved in with her and his lies to both of us got deeper and deeper.
Anyway, me friend told me this:
She said that the life my STBX has been living for the past 7 months has been a fantasy world. He’s been playing house, “falling in love” and having pretty much no worries with her (with the exception of being found out that he really WAS still married and wasn't getting divorced). It’s been easy, not having to live with his parents, not having to struggle. (They even went out and got a dog together, right around the same time I talked to him about wanting one.) Basically living the dream that WE had, with a girl that is a new relationship and of coarse it’s fun and exciting.
So, now everything is out….and I, (“his reality”) am gone and he has a NEW reality. His fantasy life has turned into his reality and it’s probably not as fun and exciting. She will question him forever (I know that she already is based on the phone calls to me and to his friends. There are some things he can never deny b/c I have MORE proof that he is a liar that I have not even told her, she will find out the rest for herself). That’s a reality, and that’s not fun. His fantasy life is over and he will most likely try to seek out a new one eventually. Probably not with me, b/c he knows I will laugh at him, but with someone else.
That’s probably one of the main reasons he didn’t want to let me go and never came clean to me about his affair, when I BEGGED him so many times to just tell me if he wanted out. At one point, towards the end when I moved out and we seperated mid-January, he realized that he and I weren’t all that bad together and he panicked (interesting how our relationship started to get better when I moved out and we didn't have the pressure of living w/ his parents anymore...)
That’s why he denied it until the very end, until the last day when I called his cell phone and she answered. She had NO IDEA that we were even still communicating. At that point he had two fantasy worlds, one with me and one with her, and didn’t want to give either up, because the reality was pretty crappy for him. And that’s all he thought about. Himself.

I was kinda too in your situation.
X and I were together 16yrs. Were married only 3 and separated because I was giving him eenough attention. Give me a break our DD came first. But he wanted sex sex and love you this and love you that. I didn't have a problem with the sex part but I didn't like it DEMANDED from me.
So regardless after our many fights over sex (when I didn't give him sex that meant I didn't love him - he told our therapist) WHATEVER!!!
I kicked him out and we were separated for about 2 months when he began sleeping with his sister's sister in law. The same chick (she looks like a dude) that our DD would call "Auntie". I had my suspicions and confronted him and like your STBX he denied it after time and after time. My clencher was that he wound up gettiing her prego and denied it up until the day after this other child was born. Took our DD (because our DD was still seeing him regularly) for the day and went and introduced her to her NEW SISTER. Nice. My 4yr old at the time couldn't understand how auntie could have her sister.
So he told me crying his eyeballs out that night and I beat the crap out of him. Was that the right thing to do - no. But you can do whatever you think you have done to me but when you involve MY DD then it is on.
So in general HE WANTED more attention, HE WANTED more love, HE WANTED to be wanted and I am sorry I just couldn't give him 24hr attention. I didn't plan on getting married to get divorced and put my DD through this. But my DD will know that SHE SHOULD NEVER BE TREATED THE WAY HER MOM WAS. Nor should she ever treat someone this way.
After all of his words early on in our separation "I AM GOING TO FILE FOR DIVORCE". Who wound up paying for divorce ME. I mean be a man I can't keep you married to me - divorce me and pay the bill. Ahhhh no. I paid it. Plus after he told our DD about the other kid he stopped paying me $100 a week for our DD. That he had been paying all year. So he went 7 weeks without paying for our DD and I allowed him to come see her AT MY HOUSE for Chirstmas (per my lawyers advice) and he bought her 1 present.
But it was ALL MY FAULT. So he wanted to be free screw around and think of only himself and so far you know what he has gotten for all of this:
Lives off his sister and her husband shacked up in a bedroom
His GF travels back and forth to stay with him at one sisters house or anothers house. she still lives with her parents and her kid part time.
Had his brand new vehicle repo'd and can't afford a new one
His child support is over $1800 in arrearages
He backs out of his vists with our DD to spend time with his new family
He says he has NO MONEY and
Now he is going to have another kid with his GF that you and I are going to pay for because she is on Welfare. When both my X and his GF are more than capable of working and having 20 kids if they wanted to raise their own kids.
So like you X mine also thought of one thing: HIMSELF.
Gosh I am so envious of his lifestyle - NOT.
Kudos for you - MOVE ON!
Ok. your story is the same as mine, so I thought I would reply. My ex had an affair while we were married and moved in with her when we separated in July. He was her boss and I know they travel to Puerto Rico once per month... It's really hard since I"m a SAHM and he loaths SAHM's, but the worst part of the divorce is that he's got the better fina cial settlement and that makes me really mad. Good luck on your divorce.
Laura