HORRIBLE situation Husband has left me in and I don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2012
HORRIBLE situation Husband has left me in and I don't know what to do
10
Wed, 02-22-2012 - 2:04pm

Hello everyone, I am new to this board and in a very difficult situation and hoping for some advice. My husband and I have been seperated since Sept 2010 (16mths), during which we have been back and fourth, but we finally ended things in December. The problem is he has left me in an absolute FINACIAL MESS that I am having a difficult time getting out of. After we seperated he left the state and went back home to live with his mother 8hrs away. Although he has a job he's

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You need to find an atty ASAP--since you're unemployed hopefully you can get a free atty. through legal services.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

I agree with Musiclover 100%--you need an attorney.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2012
I am hoping to find an atty, just don't have the money, or know if I qualify for one. As far as him being served it was the division of child support that tried to have him serviced, they said they used a "long arm law," which means they tried to have him serviced by certified mail twice in his state. The pathetic thing is he currently has 3 incomes, his military retirement, his current job and he workds for his friend on the wknds and all he pays is the electric and said he cannot do anymore. And unfortunately until there is a court order theres nothing I can do.
Now, he tells me he filed taxes MARRIED JOINTLY, and is claiming the kids when we havent lived together in 16mths, and the kids have been in my care for the entire time, anyway, he says hes going to fax me a copy of the tax form when its ready and hes planning on splitting the money, so we'll see.

My husband is a narcissist, and he lies and plays a lot of games, but my hands are compltely tied. I want more than anything to be able to hang onto to the children but he is making it impossible for me with no financial support or an emotional break, but to him this is "my punishment," for ending the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2012
My 2 degrees are in Early childhood education and Beh Science. And let me tell you the pathetic thing about all of this is, when we met 8 yrs ago, I had a job in the public school, had a house and told him I really didn't want anymore children, but I fell inlove, sold my house, gave him a daughter, that wasnt good enough because he DESPERATELY wanted a boy, so 2 yrs later gave him a son and became a stay at home mom and now here i am thrown into a terrible economy,I have applied for over 30 positions and out of them, I have had 1 interview and didnt get the job, and my case wker thinks i should go bk to school to get certified for teaching or smething else to qualify for "transitional housing."

Everything is such a mess right now and I am so tired and run down, I walk around in a daze and I am so angry that I am in this position and can't seem to get out. Oh, and heres one more disgusting thing to add, I recently learned he paid 2k for his mother to file bamkruptcy to save her house,but leaves his wife and kids homeless! And all the man says to me over and over GIVE ME THE KIDS!!!

i have had them for 16 mths and we have made our own family, and they want to stay with me, but he is making it where i dont have a choice. God, I pray every night something breaks and some good news breaks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

Contact the local women's shelters in your area, usually they have resources to help you, such as legal advice or financial assistance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well he is legally not permitted to claim the kids as dependents if they haven't lived w/ him, but you also have no income, so if you filed for yourself I'm not sure if you could still claim "head of household" and get a refund if you didn't pay taxes--you'd have to ask an accountant about that one.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

Here's my two cents. Ready?

No. 1:

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006

DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND TAKE CUSTODY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001

Please hang in there....I know it's easier said than done but it will all work itself out. Do you have a computer or a friend who does? Research for a lawyer....they may be able to work a payment plan out w/you OR do pro bono. You can research "pro bono"....once you start researching you will come across all kinds of info. What about a legal aid program? They offer free legal advice, etc. Also, support groups....reach out. They must have free programs/assistance.

When I divorced in 2010 my ex left me in financial ruin as well. The house foreclosed, the car got repossessed, I had to file bankruptcy....and I got laid off TWICE. He left me in the house which we lived in for 9 yrs....and I had to clean it out, sell stuff, give stuff away PLUS deal w/the grief of a failed marriage. I was suicidal but the only thing that held me together was my son. I couldn't do that to him. I had to get put on anxiety and depression meds so I could function and take care of business. That was in 2010 thru 2011. In 2011 I rented a room and had a job....things were terribly tight and some days I didn't have food but I was doing my best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005

Hugs to you!!!

We have very similar stories. I also was love dumb struck, already had one child and had no real desire to have anymore. Left my house and a great job to go live with my now ex who wanted children. We had twins, I also stayed at home for awhile. When he decided it wasn't working out, he got a u-haul and moved me. Now has new fiance etc. who helps him with the kids and who has so easily seem to have filled my shoes. I also was unemployed on and off - last time was two years- with degree. I did just as you have been advised - went back to school, but the "certification" hasn't helped me yet. My ex also would rather have the kids then to pay me child support. He has attorney's on speed dial while I couldn't afford one. Nor did I have the time and energy that it takes to go thru the legal system. I mean who can be employed in this economy and be in court every other day?

We did have shared custody for a few years, but after unemployment ran out, I had to move back into my grandparent's house and we were no longer within distance to have joint custody any longer. I am however able to still get them on wkends and school breaks etc. I also have been able to find at least some employment to sustain myself and yes, giving him money for them when I can.

There's no easy or winning solution here. I agree with many of the others here who say to try for an attorney, try & utilize all the resources that are possible. BUT. I have also been in your shoes and know what you are up against. And while I hear others say that you will never regain custody etc., I also know that things will work themselves out. If the kids go and live with him, whose to say that he will want the responsibility indefinitely? Whose to say that when they are older, if you are re-established and in a good place, that they won't want to come and live with you - and yes, once children are 12, a court will take their feelings into consideration. Our relationships with our kids are of a lifetime, not of a certain block of time. If they are happy living with their father and are being well taken care of, then maybe that is the lesser of two evils?

I'm not one to say that kids should be with their mother at all costs - especially if it's at the expense of the mother. IMO, the best thing for kids is for them to see their mother happy & well taken care of - even if it's her, herself who is having to do it. I also know that only we ourselves, know our limitations.

Regardless of your decision, both will have consequences. Like I said, there's no winning here. It sounds like the biggest obstacle for you at the very moment is being in a different state. Is there any way you could move closer to him to where shared custody would be more of a possibility?

Good luck & do your best to find friends and people who can help to support you!