HOW??
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HOW??
| Wed, 04-27-2005 - 5:22pm |
I have a feeling this will be long but I am so hurt, confused and my mind is spining out of control. My husband and I have been together almost 14 years. We were 19 when we hooked up and have been together ever since. We have 2 daughters and 1 son from my previous relationship (very young then). Things have/had been rocky for a very long time. My husband has had a drug addiction off and on for many years, there have also been many a night he has just not come home(not due to infidelity). Although at the time I wasnt sure.
In the last couple of years things kept getting worse and worse, I am not the easiest person to live with but my husband ignores my calls. Takes so long to come homjust so many issues.
Last April he was suppose to be on his way home and just never came home. For 3 days we thought he was seriously missing. This lasted 7 months off and on phone calls, days, weeks without word. We both turned to someone else during this period and has since ended that.
My problem now is that he returned home we agreed to work things out right before christmas and things were wonderful. He had a job, called me on a regular basis, had/has such remorse for what he put us through.
But about 2 months after he came home - I had a falling out with a friend and was afraid he would find out about a brief sexual encounter I had had about 2 years ago.(very bad situation, I regret so very much.) He was so devistated, and hurt because I gave him a very hard time when he came home asking for reasurrance that all was out in the open. And I was the one with the secret. I love my husband very much and we had only been with eachother our whole time together, that is one thing I knew I could always count on from him. We have been in counseling trying to deal with this but he just cant get over what ive done. Weve agreed to stay in the same house(live with my mother, fathers illness caused us to move in - nother story) until he is established, doesnt want to go back to the lifestyle he had while he was gone. I dont want it over. Im devistated. I cant change his mind he feels im tainted, deceitful, etc., I hear him crying all the time.
I feel that I got him back as a whole and ive shattered him. He doesnt feel all the pain we've (i've)experienced in the past is even remotely close to my unfaithfullness. (I think of him with another and I feel like dying so I can see his hurt).
I've become a jumpy, paranoid scared girl in the last few years. We have not figured out the finances or when this will take place or how. I have a full time job (he is looking for work but is slowly shutting down on me), we purchased a new vehicle when he came home so he could get to and from work. So we have two car payments. I am terrified, I ask him several times a day ( by text message he doesnt answer the phone when i call, if he will be home) I am so afraid for my kids. They are going to lose their dad and this time it is my fault, Im causing him (they are going to be devistated) to leave and I dont know where to turn. I dont know how to go thru loosing him again. we were in counceling for 2 months but he just cant get past what i did. Im rambling and Im sorry. I have no friends and I dont know how to handle the situation. I dont know how to go on.
In the last couple of years things kept getting worse and worse, I am not the easiest person to live with but my husband ignores my calls. Takes so long to come homjust so many issues.
Last April he was suppose to be on his way home and just never came home. For 3 days we thought he was seriously missing. This lasted 7 months off and on phone calls, days, weeks without word. We both turned to someone else during this period and has since ended that.
My problem now is that he returned home we agreed to work things out right before christmas and things were wonderful. He had a job, called me on a regular basis, had/has such remorse for what he put us through.
But about 2 months after he came home - I had a falling out with a friend and was afraid he would find out about a brief sexual encounter I had had about 2 years ago.(very bad situation, I regret so very much.) He was so devistated, and hurt because I gave him a very hard time when he came home asking for reasurrance that all was out in the open. And I was the one with the secret. I love my husband very much and we had only been with eachother our whole time together, that is one thing I knew I could always count on from him. We have been in counseling trying to deal with this but he just cant get over what ive done. Weve agreed to stay in the same house(live with my mother, fathers illness caused us to move in - nother story) until he is established, doesnt want to go back to the lifestyle he had while he was gone. I dont want it over. Im devistated. I cant change his mind he feels im tainted, deceitful, etc., I hear him crying all the time.
I feel that I got him back as a whole and ive shattered him. He doesnt feel all the pain we've (i've)experienced in the past is even remotely close to my unfaithfullness. (I think of him with another and I feel like dying so I can see his hurt).
I've become a jumpy, paranoid scared girl in the last few years. We have not figured out the finances or when this will take place or how. I have a full time job (he is looking for work but is slowly shutting down on me), we purchased a new vehicle when he came home so he could get to and from work. So we have two car payments. I am terrified, I ask him several times a day ( by text message he doesnt answer the phone when i call, if he will be home) I am so afraid for my kids. They are going to lose their dad and this time it is my fault, Im causing him (they are going to be devistated) to leave and I dont know where to turn. I dont know how to go thru loosing him again. we were in counceling for 2 months but he just cant get past what i did. Im rambling and Im sorry. I have no friends and I dont know how to handle the situation. I dont know how to go on.

First off, Hugs to you sweetie.
HUGE HUGS! i am sorry for your pain.
I understand that you somehow feel responsible for your husband's feeling, and you somehow have managed to take FULL responsibility for everything that BOTH OF YOU have done. while i understand that your husband was hurt that you witheld information from him - i think that he is no innocent babe. obviously, at the time, your relationship was extremely dysfunctional and BOTH of you did things that were wrong- you are not hte only one.
what you NEED to do now, IMHO , is form some kind of stable environemnt for your children, and you need to do it NOW. if YOU are the more stable person, and
Hey, I just wanted to chime in and say.... this is NOT all your fault.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I agree that you shouldn't feel like this is all on you. Yes, your infidelity is a betrayal that would take a lot of work to get past and rebuild trust in the relationship. But he's also majorly betrayed your trust - he's disappeared, repeatedly, and you only have his word on what he was doing and with whom (and if he was on drugs at the time, he may not even recall it all himself). For him to say that him disappearing doesn't approach the pain of your unfaithfulness is just ludicrous!
I hope you continue with the counselling for yourself. Yes, your infidelity is playing a part in what's happening now, but this is not all your fault. Your husband has made a lot of bad choices himself, and those have certainly also contributed to where you are now. You can't control what choices your husband makes now. Maybe he will change his mind, or maybe you won't be able to work this out-only time will tell. But if your husband chooses not to be part of your lives, that is his choice and he needs to take responsibility for making that choice.