How to ask for a separation
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How to ask for a separation
| Tue, 07-25-2006 - 11:45am |
I think I'm ready to ask my husband of 3 years for a separation. I'm hoping you can all give me some advise on how to go about doing it. I've been unhappy for over a year now, but we've just been discussing it over the last two months. We tried marriage counseling and the doctor told me I need individual counseling to work out my own issues. He told me I basically need to talk to someone about the fact that I want to leave my husband and to be ok with that choice. I'm pretty sure I'd like a divorce, but I think the separation first would be best to be sure my feelings are true. It's so hard to know what I want when I'm living with him and being influenced by his guilt trips. I need time away from him to clear my head and be sure of my feelings. I don't want to hurt him, so I'm looking for a way to break it to him gently. If any of you could offer some advice on how to go about suggesting a seperation in a gentle way, I'd be grateful. Thanks in advance!

Asking for a seperation is like pulling a bandaid off a festering wound -- its going to hurt, its going to bleed, and it will leave a mark. So do it fast.
You sound wishy-washy on the whole subject. You need to get things clear in your head. You are flirting with a decision that bears life altering consequences.
You need to decide if you are going to work on your marriage, or if you are going to work on your divorce.
A non-decision is a decision. You are abdicating your responsibility to your husband, telling your husband that you want him to decide, but if he chooses incorrectly, you'll still blame him for the bad choice.
If you want a seperation, you need to be very clear about the rules and goals of a seperation. Most of the time when I hear a spouse is looking for a "trial seperation", they are trying to fade out of a marriage but still maintain the financial benefits of marriage (I want to date this other person, but I still need you to pay my way through life).
If you seperate, who pays for what? Who leaves the residence? How are expenses split? Are debts incurred while seperated joint debts? Are the two of you allowed to date others? Can your husband expect sex from you? How long are you going to seperate?
These are topics you want to discuss/negotiate ahead of time. If you leave these kinds of things unsaid, you and your husband will be in conflict about them, and they only get more difficult to discuss as you move towards divorce.
And then there's also the distinct possibility that the whole thing will back fire on you. If you leave for a "trial seperation", that may be the last straw for your husband. You may decide you want marriage, but he's had it with you and pursues a divorce.
Your councelor sounds like a good one -- emphasizing personal stuff first. When I read the language you use, such as "I'm not happy", or "I'm pretty sure", you sound like you are on an aimless search for some amorphous goal that cannot ever be realized.
Quite frankly, ending your marriage will not make you happy. Your marriage may be adding to the level of stress you feel, but that's more an indication of your mental health. The problems you are experiencing in your marriage show up to one degree or another in any relationship you have.
I get a sense that the two of you resolve conflict poorly -- that is an area to work on that will transcend just your marriage.
Good luck and stay in touch.
You bring up valid points. First I must say that I'm not looking at this separation as a way to see other men while my husband financially supports me. My husband has been out of work for 9 months, so if anyone is doing the supporting, it's me. I'm not looking to date other men during this separation either. I'm looking to heal the wounds that I've incurred in the time that I've been with my controling, manipulitive husband. I'd like to swear off all men for quite some time until I can be a whole person again. This separation is about finding myself, being the person I would like to be, giving time to myself to heal, and hopefully becoming a better person because of it. I'm not looking at it as a way to fix or end my marriage. I'm looking at it as a way to fix myself.
I asked my husband for a separation the other night. At first he agreed with me that it would be a good idea to take some time apart. He suggested I stay with my parents. I would not have a problem with that, accept that my parents live and hour and a half away. Being the only WORKING member of the household, I asked my husband if he would mind staying with his parents for a while, who live four doors down from us. I figured this would be a good solution as it would give me the space that I need, yet we wouldn't be so far away from each other that we would never see each other. He could be secure in knowing that I wasn't out all hours of the night, or bringing home strange men or anything like that. Plus, he spends most of his time at his parent's house anyway. The only difference would be that he slept there instead of walking back to our house and sleeping with me.
Being the stubborn, controlling person that he is, he decided that he was dead set against doing this. He feels I'm "the one with the problem" so I should move out. He fails to notice that the "problems" that I have are a direct result of the years of mistreatment from him! So, once again he's putting his own selfish needs above mine. he's more concerned about being right than about the fact that it's unrealistic and finanically straneous to have me travel 70 miles to and from work each day so that he can prove a point. It's his way to control me. If he refuses to leave, he thinks that I'll have no choice but to remain living with him.
So, for once I stood my ground and told him that the separation was going to happen whether he agreed to stay with his parents or not. He said he wasn't staying with them, so I said "Fine, looks like I'll be staying with mine." I got up, threw some clothes in the car, and headed up to my parent's house. I wanted to do this in a rational and mature way, but his childish behavior gave me no choice but to pack up and leave. I'm hoping he'll come around, because all this is doing is making me more angry and resentful toward him. I really want to give it my all to try to save my marriage, but in order to do so I need to heal myself first. I don't understand why he can't see that.