HOW CAN THIS BE!!!!
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HOW CAN THIS BE!!!!
| Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:52pm |
I dnt know if maybe some of you strong ladies remember my story , i was here weeks ago stating my story about how my husband and i weren't getting along at all and only being married for 1 1/2 years and having a baby. were both young and he recently got out of the service and had to take a job at night until his career came through. he works at night for 12 hours and takes care of our daughter during the day when i work we only see each other maybe 4 hours a day if that! dont know if ts ringing a bell but since then we had decided that we would work on our marriage and go to counceling but becase of how hectic the schedules are i havent been able to make an appointment. well it was okay for a while, but we would fight still about the most stupid things on this planet! he confessed in the heat of a fight that he no longer loved me, still i found myself byuing a book on why we SHOULDNT divorce and showed it to him , and asking him to reconcile. he said he would and he would be "nicer" but that didnt quite happen. i always felt like i was in a strange home, i would walk on eggshells not to make him upset, eveyrhting about me he disliked ..my driving, my parenting skills, my talking to my family, the way i breathed almost! still i asked him to try for our daguher! i already knew because of what he said that he didnt love me so when i would say it to him i would leave or hang up the phone just to not feel stupid. and still he would catch me and say i love you too .... i wondered why he would say it and i thought maybe he was just mad when he said he didnt love me... but everytime we would argue he would say he did not love me. he went as far as saying he hated me and didnt want to be in the same house as me let alone stay married to me! still i acted like i was deaf and went on knowing he didnt love me, going out, having sex, playuing the wife role. i felt stupid almost all the time i was with him, he would say i never evere used my head, i was retarded and an ugly person. still i wanted to work on my marraige. things were rocky, but i was diong the best i could at that point.. i knew i could do more for him, and show him i loved him more but i just backed away more and more everyday becuase i knew i couldnt be everything to him. i never was. he is a COMPLETELY diffrent person then when we married. complately! at the biggining i did alot to ruin this marriage too, like not show him affection, or pushing him away not because i didnt love him but because im not a touchy feely person especially to show it in public which he always wanted to do. or i did "stupid" things like forget to pick up something, or switched lanes at the wrong time... things like that. when we dated i broke up with him and then messed around with a friend of mine at the time and he has never really forgiven me for it yet it was me who said "were not togther yet i still want to let you know that im seeign this guy and this is what happend" because we wouldl talk almost everyday when he was overseas... and i told him that i wanted to brake up with him but that when he returned we wouldl be together just not at that time. but i broke my promise and messed around with that guy. so since then he has been upset., but what i dont get is i told him about it, he didnt hear it from someone else, i even said" i dotn expect to hear from you ever again goodbye" and i was okay with that because i knew i had f*** up! (even though we werent together when i saw the other guy)and out of the blue 2 months later he called me and asked me to come back.. so i dont get him!!!! so because of that he said he cant trust me, yet he chose to forgive me and move on with us or so i though... the one who shouldnt trust him is me, he has tal;ked to exe's behind my back, told one of them he had feelings for her when i had just had our baby, when he drinks he im's them and tells them he wants to see them nude....just alot of stuff , and still i decided to take him back when he called crying after i said we were done when i found out about him telling a "friend" he had feelings for her! he told me he was friends with her for a long time and that it meant feelings as a friend but i always knew in my mind that was not true... now i do know he has never cheated on me with anyone. im sure of it!
still that hurts me to know he talks to them. so were dating and then we decided to get married , and have a baby. and things just plumeted from there... he said its because im a b*tch, and because when he came hom from iraq, i would just expect him to know everything about our new hoouse and our new baby that he met when she was just 2 months (he was not here for the birth , he was in iraq) and mayeb i did but i didnt know, i was not used to this military lifechanging expirience.so i have done some stuff to make this worse i know, but he is not a saint and he tries to blame everything on me and i mean everything.. when he is pissy and i say "what the heck is wring with you" he'll say " youuuuuu" thats the answer he'll give me. so its allll me! at times i am just so miserable by the wway he treats me and still i tried to make it work... this sunday things went bad... i went to a spa with my sister as a early mothers day gift, and when i came home i had this terrible migrane , he said " i need white shirts " and then left for work.. i knew i had to wash for him but my migranes are bad i cant stand light, noise, nothing i just want to sleep it off. but i had my daughter so i figured i would just wash the rest day earlier. so he came home monday morning and everything was "normal" if you want to call it that... and i went to work and when i came home... i went straight to the kitchen and took the meat out to cook like i always do, i was walkign to the room to get the wash ready and he shot up, and started saying i was a lazy bum and i didnt do anything at all. he asked me whey i didnt wash and i told him you knew i had a migrane i was gonna do it right now why couldnt you just nicely say " i still need clothes can you wash now" and i would of done it... why do you have to be mean and call me names! its not like its late its gonnna get done.. and he said forget it get out of my f****en way ill do it because your too f***en lazy! icouldnt belive it , i was liek what the hell went wrong whats your problem and ofcourse he gave me the ussual "youuuu" answer! amd i said well you better pipe down becasuse your really just pissing me off and im getting really tired of it. and he said " good! i want you to get mad at me and tired of me and pissy with me" and im like why so you can start back up again and get me to leave and he said "yeah if you want to! " i knew all this time he was just blowing up and picking fights with me because he wanted out, he never worked at it at all! so i said oh really would that make you happy , if i left? and he said "yes!!!!' so i packed some things and left.... cried maybe 10 mins the whole hour to my parents house. i was doing okay with it, i said to myself "he doesnt love you get over it and get out, move on with your daughter" and it was okay until lastnight i cried terribly! i cry at work hoping no one will see me! i cant do this! i have to see him everyday still because since it was sooo sudden i dont have a babysitter so he is watching her still. now because of everyhting i have to drive 1 1/2 hours to the house from my parents and drop her off at 7;00 am and then 30 mins more to work, then 30mins back to his house and then 1 1/2 hours in traffic with my daugher to my parents... EVERYDAY!!!! i feel like he has it easy, well not the takign care of her and working.. i feel bad but its only temp.
now the thing is , i still love him very much, and the thought of breakign our family over stupid things is killing me. i worry our daugher will hate me for our lifes, i worry that i cant do it emotionaly, i STILL want to work on my marraige. i told him lastnight when i picked my daughter up that i was mad at him for doing this to us, and for his attitude, and that i felt i owed it to our daughter to fight one time and do one last thing we never did ..counceling! but that the other part was telling me i didnt care anymorea and he said ok neither do i" so i said" do you want to go to counceling or not and he said "no i dont im done" even though were not getting along, and he said no and i always knew , i still want to go to councelign together and see if that mauybe mends things, im still so hurt that he has done this but somehting is telling me to to give up , i do however feel like nothing i say right now will change his mind (hes the most hardheaded person ever) and that he is sooo done with me because in his head " we didnt not work out, in his head " i messed up and he did nothing wrong. we both have alot alot of faults but my belive is i didnt get married and have a baby to have it fail in the end. i dont belive in divorce unless i was cheated on or hit, or vise-versa! i just cant have a divorce now im having a bad time with it, i cant let this happen! what am i gonna do? what can i do? my only option is seperate and go to counceling (i think if we get along i can convince him to go later) and see where that leaves us, but i think by the time it happends it will be too late for us, he might meet someone else or just say what hes saying now"its over, im done!!!" i cant take this , i cant belive this happend to me. i want to just jump off my balcony , i cant be acting liek this i have a daughtr and a job, and bills and a life to lve but i cant seem to get with it. i still want to be with him dispite eveyrhting, and work it out!!!!
what can i do? what should i do? what should i not do? im going insane... i cant explain what im going through, im making myself sick, not eating or doing anything!!! help me, what should i do? i want to save my marriage!
still that hurts me to know he talks to them. so were dating and then we decided to get married , and have a baby. and things just plumeted from there... he said its because im a b*tch, and because when he came hom from iraq, i would just expect him to know everything about our new hoouse and our new baby that he met when she was just 2 months (he was not here for the birth , he was in iraq) and mayeb i did but i didnt know, i was not used to this military lifechanging expirience.so i have done some stuff to make this worse i know, but he is not a saint and he tries to blame everything on me and i mean everything.. when he is pissy and i say "what the heck is wring with you" he'll say " youuuuuu" thats the answer he'll give me. so its allll me! at times i am just so miserable by the wway he treats me and still i tried to make it work... this sunday things went bad... i went to a spa with my sister as a early mothers day gift, and when i came home i had this terrible migrane , he said " i need white shirts " and then left for work.. i knew i had to wash for him but my migranes are bad i cant stand light, noise, nothing i just want to sleep it off. but i had my daughter so i figured i would just wash the rest day earlier. so he came home monday morning and everything was "normal" if you want to call it that... and i went to work and when i came home... i went straight to the kitchen and took the meat out to cook like i always do, i was walkign to the room to get the wash ready and he shot up, and started saying i was a lazy bum and i didnt do anything at all. he asked me whey i didnt wash and i told him you knew i had a migrane i was gonna do it right now why couldnt you just nicely say " i still need clothes can you wash now" and i would of done it... why do you have to be mean and call me names! its not like its late its gonnna get done.. and he said forget it get out of my f****en way ill do it because your too f***en lazy! icouldnt belive it , i was liek what the hell went wrong whats your problem and ofcourse he gave me the ussual "youuuu" answer! amd i said well you better pipe down becasuse your really just pissing me off and im getting really tired of it. and he said " good! i want you to get mad at me and tired of me and pissy with me" and im like why so you can start back up again and get me to leave and he said "yeah if you want to! " i knew all this time he was just blowing up and picking fights with me because he wanted out, he never worked at it at all! so i said oh really would that make you happy , if i left? and he said "yes!!!!' so i packed some things and left.... cried maybe 10 mins the whole hour to my parents house. i was doing okay with it, i said to myself "he doesnt love you get over it and get out, move on with your daughter" and it was okay until lastnight i cried terribly! i cry at work hoping no one will see me! i cant do this! i have to see him everyday still because since it was sooo sudden i dont have a babysitter so he is watching her still. now because of everyhting i have to drive 1 1/2 hours to the house from my parents and drop her off at 7;00 am and then 30 mins more to work, then 30mins back to his house and then 1 1/2 hours in traffic with my daugher to my parents... EVERYDAY!!!! i feel like he has it easy, well not the takign care of her and working.. i feel bad but its only temp.
now the thing is , i still love him very much, and the thought of breakign our family over stupid things is killing me. i worry our daugher will hate me for our lifes, i worry that i cant do it emotionaly, i STILL want to work on my marraige. i told him lastnight when i picked my daughter up that i was mad at him for doing this to us, and for his attitude, and that i felt i owed it to our daughter to fight one time and do one last thing we never did ..counceling! but that the other part was telling me i didnt care anymorea and he said ok neither do i" so i said" do you want to go to counceling or not and he said "no i dont im done" even though were not getting along, and he said no and i always knew , i still want to go to councelign together and see if that mauybe mends things, im still so hurt that he has done this but somehting is telling me to to give up , i do however feel like nothing i say right now will change his mind (hes the most hardheaded person ever) and that he is sooo done with me because in his head " we didnt not work out, in his head " i messed up and he did nothing wrong. we both have alot alot of faults but my belive is i didnt get married and have a baby to have it fail in the end. i dont belive in divorce unless i was cheated on or hit, or vise-versa! i just cant have a divorce now im having a bad time with it, i cant let this happen! what am i gonna do? what can i do? my only option is seperate and go to counceling (i think if we get along i can convince him to go later) and see where that leaves us, but i think by the time it happends it will be too late for us, he might meet someone else or just say what hes saying now"its over, im done!!!" i cant take this , i cant belive this happend to me. i want to just jump off my balcony , i cant be acting liek this i have a daughtr and a job, and bills and a life to lve but i cant seem to get with it. i still want to be with him dispite eveyrhting, and work it out!!!!
what can i do? what should i do? what should i not do? im going insane... i cant explain what im going through, im making myself sick, not eating or doing anything!!! help me, what should i do? i want to save my marriage!

Hey.... I remember you ;-)
Ya know.... do get counseling for yourself.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
HUGS!! You are being way too hard on yourself. We all did things to contribute to the breakdown of our marriages, big and small. We're all imperfect!
Based on your post, it is very obvious your H verbally abused you, shattering your self-esteem. I know you want the marriage to work, but you can not allow your self to be treated like this. Often, on this board, we ask people, "How would you advise a friend in this situation?" You would never want to see a friend treated like this.
Right now, I think the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. Feeling hopeless, not eating and sleeping are going to make things more difficult on you and your daughter. Forget about him for a while. Focus on YOU. I would also suggest counseling - I have found it a lifesaver. Also, one thing that helped me, but may sound silly...I allowed myself to feel bad for...let's say 1 hour. I would give it a time limit, then I would tell myself I had to focus on something else. I would do this several times a day. As time went on, I could focus on the pain for shorter amounts of time.
Hang in there.
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
- Anne Frank