How can he be so heartless?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
How can he be so heartless?
4
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:43am

Well, it's only been a few weeks since STBX moved out.

This was my weekend to have the kids and STBX didn't call DD till yesterday? She was having fun with me and my girlfriend from AZ, etc., but I know she waits for him to call and it breaks my heart! Maybe it's just me, but I couldn't sleep at night if I didn't talk to her, geez.

So, I called him today and told him DD really misses him. He didn't have them this weekend and didn't come up last week during the week to visit. I told him she really misses him and does he have any intention of seeing her? He said he's been busy and had plans this weekend to visit his friend that got hurt (personally, I think he went to visit the OW in Vegas, LOL) but whatever.

I'm trying SO HARD to not talk to him but seeing DD so sad is REALLY BOTHERING ME! And everyone I have talked to tell me it's his problem dealing with DD (or not), and I know it probably won't even make a difference for me to call him, but it just hurts me to see her hurt. He's caused so much hurt already, to all of us, to think he's out having a great time while I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of the mess he created, drives me nuts!

Me and DD are enjoying our time together, that's not the problem, I just can't be her dad, any suggestions?

Keep your fingers crossed for me for the 24th as our court date. I still have not heard from the attorney and am hoping that will be the day. I could really need some financial help from him!!!

Thanks for listening, AGAIN! I hope you are all well!
Jenn

Jennifer

Proud Mom of Travis (15) and Mandi (10)

and our pets, Sully the Dog and Till

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:18am
I don't know how old your dd is, but you should stop calling your ex. Your dd will soon see who he is and what is important to him. You SHOULD let her know, at the appropriate age, that it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him. Let her know that she's wonderful and he is missing out and that maybe he will realize that some day and will visit more. Don't make excuses for him. You'll create in her mind a person who doesn't exist. She deserves the truth, relayed in a gentle way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 7:22pm

Jenn, I am so sorry for you and your daughter. Both of you do not deserve any of this treatment from you STBX. I know this is hurting your DD but the best thing you can do for her is just be there for her and that she is very much love and that she's your number one priority. I know it is tempting but try not to cover for your STBX. It is your STBX's responsibility to explain to her about his actions. Quite frankly it would be so deserving for him to try and explain himself to your daughter.

You don't understand how he could be so cold or how he could do this because you have a heart and he doesn't. Him neglecting you DD and you will be his lost. He may put that OW on the pedalstool now but if I had to place bets I would say he will look back on all this and regret how he's hurt you and your DD.

When my STBX I tried very hard to understand why and how he could be so heartless after everything we've been through. Then I realized that no matter how hard I try to understand him, I won't be able to because I'm just not made in the way that he is (Thank God!). I wouldn't want to be the kind of person that he is and hurt those that I love and love me. The same is with you. Your DD will know when she looks back on this who was there for her and who wasn't.

Try to not contact your STBX because that won't help you at all. I know from personal experience that talking to the STBX makes matters worst. While you want to help protect your daughter from all the pain that your STBX is causing, I don't think you can. Your best course of action is to heal yourself and make yourself stronger because your daughter needs you.

Hang in there. We all will make it through this nightmare. Email me whenever you need to. I got your email. I've been busy this weekend and haven't had a chance to email you back but I will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:00pm
Hi My name is Patricia and when my ex kicked me out my 19 yr old daughter moved with me. After 8 mths of her attitude and verbal abuse which she learned from her father. I gave her the option of changing the attitude or moving in with her dad. 3 weeks later she moved in with her dad. That was a year ago. We could not even be civil to one another because I would not let her disrespect me. Well have things changed she now sees what a jerk her dad is and mom isn't as much of a B as she thought. We talk every day and spend saturdays together. She is now 21 and my best friend. The moral to this story is that if you say nothing to the ex and show you dd that she has you to depend on , that is all you really need. Its up to him to mend fences with her not you . he has to take respensibility for his actions and good luck eith that. My ex still blames me for everything and he is the one with the nw. Be strong and know that god is eith you , it took me a while to figure that one out but i know that he has a plan for me , I just have to be patient. I am online most evenings so please feel free to contact me , although my children are all in their 20's they all go throught the same emotions. Hope this helps a little .
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:51pm

Hey, Jenn. I would have to agree with most of the other posters. Contacting your STBX and trying to get him to be an attentive father just won't work. I know it's painful to see your child hurting, but you can't make your STBX want to be a decent father, and he may just end up becoming more resentful.


Since your DD is 11, if she's feeling sad and missing him, let he leave him a voicemail, or even e-mail him. He may be more likely to respond if he hears from her directly. Good luck. I know it's a painful situation.