How can he do this to us???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2006
How can he do this to us???
5
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 9:21am
My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. He took a job in Georgia, and has been gone since the end of September. He came home a few times, and even though our daughter and I begged him not to go, he still did. Well, things were great, then all of the sudden, the day after Christmas he called. He told me that it's time to go our seperate ways, then he said,"I just don't want to be with you anymore, just deal with it" WHAT??? Needless to say, he's left me with our 5 year old daughter to raise, all the bills and the house. I have been doing daycare, but now have to find a better job to be able to afford the house. My heart is broken, I loved this man like no other. It's been 3 weeks now since he told me, and I still feel like it's the first day I found out. I'm so devistated, I can't stop crying, and I can't even begin to think of how to tell our daughter that daddy's not coming home to us. I met with the councelor at her school to find out the best way to tell her, and he said to all sit down together to do it....yeah right! I'm at the end of my rope, and I feel that there's no way to get through this. He said that he's going to send me $150 per week for childsupport, which I haven't seen a dime. This money from him is suppose to go to my landlords, or I'm going to lose my house. I've tried to call places for help, but I get turned away everywhere. Any advice that anyone can give would be greatly appreciated. I feel so lost and lonely without him, can I ever get past this???
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 10:25am

Yes, you can get through this... it will take some time, soul searching and some more time... but you can and will get through this.

First of all, I would encourage you to take one day at a time. Sometimes, it may feel too painful and impossible to make it through a day... then focus on one hour at a time... when that is too much, focus on five minutes at a time... any of us can make it through practically anything for five minutes...

I would encourage you to seek some sort of couseling, either with a professional counselor or with your pastor... Talking things out can really help... Also, ask your daughter's school counselor if he/she is aware of any couselors for children, to whom your daughter may be able to speak with... to help her through her transition.... yes, this will affect her, but truthfully, she has been getting used to her dad not being around while he's been away...

You may also want to speak with your doctor... many of us had/have difficulty sleeping, eating or suffered with symptoms of depression. Doctors can be an excellent resource and can perscribe something to help you with one or more of the concerns you may be facing.

I would also encourage you to find sources of joy in your daughter... when I was going through the initial stages of my separation, I would find things that would make me happy... Most of those came from my then 20 month old son... I'd find one thing he did every day that just made me beam... and that would be the thing I'd focus on to get me through the next day... also, if and when I saw something that I wanted, if I could afford to get it, I did... allowing myself my little pieces of happiness... I cried many hours every day... and then I got sick of the tears... so I started making goals to make it for an hour without crying... then longer...

The way he appears to be handling this situation does not seem to be the most mature, but that is unfortunately not unusual in some of these situations... but you need to start taking some action to protect your RIGHTS and your daughter's RIGHTS, because you are entitled to certain things as part of this separation. Contact an attorney in your area and get a temporary child support order in place. Have it garnished (may be a little tricky, considering he's in another state) so he doesn't have the choice to give it to you...

You're going through a lot of things right now... you're in a state of shock and are emotionally fragile right now. Do not let him use this to his advantage. By knowing your rights, you may start to feel some more security about what is happening. Because your h may be a lot of talk... I know mine was when we first separated... knowing my rights, I knew which part of his talk was just that... talk... and was able to blow off that portion of him that much easier.

Know that we've been where you are and are here to help you. I hope to see you again soon and get to know you better...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 11:34am
Welcome to the board, hon! These ladies are a great support. A lot of us are in similar situations. As in the husband saying "I just don't want to be with you anymore, deal with it." My stbx did the same thing. Except when he moved for his job he moved our whole family. Now i'm in a strange town tring to figure out how to come up with the money to file for divorce and move my kids and I to my Mom's. Seems men these days have no idea what the word committment means. I don't really have any advive being very new to it all myself. I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this. In the end you will prevail. I learned that from many of the ladies stories on this board. They have overcome great obsticals only to came out on top. You and I will one day be at that place too. Huge hugs comming you way!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 12:32pm
Hugs! I am sorry you find yourself in this place. It has been 10 months for me and it still feels like he left yesterday. I hope it doesn't hang on this long for you. I found if I put my faith in God all my needs were provided for. I understand money being tight, but we are making it. You need to find yourself a lawyer and get a temporary maintence and child support order until your divorce is finaled. He can't just abandon you, legally. We will get past this it just takes time for us to find our new place in life. I love my ex husband more today than the day I married him and can't imagine ever finding anyone else, but I will go on for my boys. When ever I get in a bad place I think about them. I will do anything to make sure they have a good life. Come back and talk with us again. There are lots of great people here with lots of great advice.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 1:01pm

hugs...


first of all, let me tell you this - you WILL get thru this, you WILL survive, and you WILL be ok - not just ok , you will be better than that. you will come out a happier and stronger person.


You need to start taking control over your life. your husband can't just abandon you and his child like that. who made this 150 $ decision? you need to get to a lawyer and get advice. there are alot of issues here - CS, who pays for the house, visitation, etc. there are a lot of details that need to be ironed outbetween you - its not a question of HIM deciding these things.


I am sending you hugs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 1:08pm
HUGS. That is truly awful. I think you already got great advice about dealing with the heartache. Now...see a lawyer ASAP. Most will give a free consulation. The court can issue order for temporary support and/or child support to help you support your daughter and pay bills. He might like to think he can walk away from his obligations, but he can't. I know it seems like a lot to handle right now, but I think you'll feel better knowing you're not on the verge of losing your home. I am so sorry you have to face this.