How can he love kids but not do anything

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
How can he love kids but not do anything
6
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 5:52pm

My husband does not want to take care of his children. We are separated, and he has a problem sending even just a half of the childcare when he makes more than enough money. I can understand if he was broke, but he is not. So I pay for everything else.

Yet he calls the kids up and tell them that he loves them! What is he doing??? I don't want kids to grow up thinking the definition of love is abandonment and neglect of responsiblities. Why is he messing with the kids? Please don't tell me a grown man does not know that a father is supposed to look after the children that he brought to this world. It is kids that he is hurting, not me.

I don't think I should stop him from calling them. Afterall, he is their father. Please tell me what I should do. Should I just accept the fact that it is the way the kids' father is going to behave and it will break kids' heart one day? This is so stupid...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 9:43pm

I completely understand how you feel! Unfortunately, the definition of love doesn't really include taking care of the ones you love. You should definitely NOT limit or deny contact between your kids and their father. You should also never say anything negative to your kids about him.

What should you do? Live with it! It takes a while, but a wise ex-CL on Divorced Moms used to tell me almost on a daily basis that children will learn as much from a bad example as a good one. She was absolutely right! Rosie is to a point where she just shrugs and says "That's the way Dad is," when he disappoints her. She knows the score and she knows who's "winning"!!

Oh, when I had the urge to tell the girls that he's a jerk (and the rest of the names in the book) I'd excuse myself to the bathroom or my room until I calmed down.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 9:54pm
I think you answered you own question...you are NOT dealing with a grown man. Size has nothing to do with growth. Most of us are dealing with the effects of narcissim and unfortunately, your kids will too. You are right not to limit their contact with their dad and yes, you will probably just have to accept that he is number one in his life. If these guys weren't already selfish, many of us wouldn't be on this board. Not paying attention to the needs of kids is just one of the many lovely things many women have to deal with in the aftermath of a marriage to a narcissist. You just need to surround your kids in love and stability. They'll figure the score on their own and hopefully your positive influence will take some of the sting out of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 3:15pm

please listen to Kbach, she's a SMART post-er ... i truly relate to your story, and many others. my STBX is overwhelmingly hurting our twin DSs by withdrawing his physical, emotional, and financial presence.

but, as stated, when you are dealing with controlling, selfish Exs, unfortunately, the children are the primary targets to inflict hurt, pain, and suffering on our parts, the Moms. it's a defensive tactic to exercise MORE control over you. yet, children see what we don't see; they observe our behavior and at the end of the day, they KNOW who is there or not there for them emotionally, physically, and spiritually, on a consistent basis.

and i take solace in knowing that one day, my STBX will have to answer many, many questions that ours sons will pose to him regarding his blatant, abrupt abandonment of them. STBX will have to address the anger issues, the disappointment, the missed events and milestones in HIS sons' lives. yes, when "he sees them when they get 18," which is what he told me when he demanded i come and pick them up and raise them myself, HE, not ME will have to answer questions. and knowing how the conscience works, the questions are already haunting him, and will continue to do so until he is inspired to "do the right thing."

so, dear, focus, as i do, on what you do as a Mom, and enjoy your bunchkins. no, this is not our preference (sharing custody with a jerk), but it is our future -- and we must embrace it with boldness, integrity, and greatness.

ha, if our Exs choose to remove their time, presence, and energy "away" from their children, they'll need the solitude to reflect on how to answer the hard questions their children will pose to them later ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 4:06pm

It's a shame your H doesn't understand that love is more than saying it...you actually have to show it with your actions.


You are right to make sure your children stay in contact with their dad. They will eventually come to their own conclusions about his behavior....and

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 7:29pm

Thank you ladies... I feel better now. I was also thinking about my own childhood and what others say about their childhood. Parents are human and the imperfection comes in different degrees... Speaking about my own parents, I loved my father but knew he was wrong. At the same time, I appreciated my mom and truly love her. I guess our kids are no exception. They will see the reality.

My kids said they love their daddy but also want a new one that would act like a father...... I think we will be OK. Again, thank you. I just need to hear things once in a while to keep going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 10:24pm
It sounds like your kids already know the score. ;) That's AWESOME! GOOD JOB MOM!
:)
- JD

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr