How can I go on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
How can I go on?
39
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 11:50pm

Hello,


I am new to the board and never thought I'd find myself posting.


Sigh! My husband just told me tonite that he doesn't love me the way he used to and that he doesn't have it in him to work on our marriage. We have been having problems on and off and all of a sudden he just started shutting down and withdrawing. I know it takes two but I was usually the one to initiate discussions about things, to take the first step at trying to spice things up, etc. I have been a good wife....cooking, cleaning,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 4:28am

I am so sorry for your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2008
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 6:38am
Hi, I am a man and I am going through about the same thing your husband is I guess. No other woman influence mush except I was thinking of kids in the future is all. My wife is too old or them... This is from a different perpective than a woman of course but I find that sharing feelings on these boards helps everyone just to know theres other ppl out here traumatized and we can all help each other somehow. Obviously I m sorry this is happening to you. Its so devatasting to one's life. but there is help and ppl out here that understand and can give you some coping techiniques and other ways to look at these issues. I have also been married for about 7 years and in a 12 year relationship. We have a house an step son which is in the coast guard now..an so much other stuff..
To me, in my opinion, we have just drifted apart. Relationships change ppl. I know once your married all this dedication for life is supposed to come about, rocking chairs on the porch an growing old gracioufully.. sometimes it does, other times is doesn't. For whatever reasons. Nobody's particular fault. The things you use to enjoy are faded now and when you see what each other is involved in , it may not be that cheerful to you... so you start thinking i am bored and life is moving on.. and I can't see us together doing this an I am unhappy here. I have gone through all these phases in my mind for over a year. She has seen it and she wanted to talk about it a month ago. It was very upsetting, she as pitiful actually and asked why I didn't seem to care for her anymore and the like.. I can' remember all what was said, but she ultimately called me selfish and I caused a scene.. She is a chronic smoker.. she has a horrible cough and will not stop. I have been breathing it since we have been together an it has always tainted everything we have ever done. She has actually made me stop the car in the rain.. on the side of the interstate to get out under an umberrlla to smoke one.. I am thinking this i going to evidually kill us both,, so yes maybe i am selfish.. sorry. but I can get carried away..
We use to have alot in common, now I feel alone with her. I can't really talk to her much right now, because it so upsetting, we are headed into a seperation then divorce Im sure. I think she thinks i will come back like I always have.. She wants to play a blame game of sorts. Trying to see who's fault all this is and she gets pretty ugly and mean about it all and has all these rules and stuff.. she has always wanted to be in control, but we can talk things over sometimes,. I mean she' not a control freak.. She claims to be a battered wife and all this right now, I have a temper but not like she puts it. There have been a handfull of instances over the years, but what good does bringing all that back up do? Im trying to move on with a very broken heart an very upset about the division of things. see we work together as well. its a real mess..and she says I am living in a alternative universe..
I feel so sorry for you.... you can rely on these posts an me to help you as well.. Maybe by sharing we can gain strength or wisdom or better coping techiniques and come through all this trauma. There are things like marriage conseling, indiviual conseling.. See I have tried all this myself. She doesn't really doesn't believe in it. So the writing is on the wall. Even if she did, I don't think it would last. Conseling involves changing the way you look at things and reacting differently,.setting up new thought processes.. its so tough. I am just defeated right now. like I have tried everything an my head is slummped down..;( and worn aout from all the fighting.. sigh is right!!!
I know your having a very hard time and just unburden yourself on these posts.. I am hear to listen and help if I can an many others too. Be strong my dear..
Matt in Va.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 8:45am

Dear Matt, thank you for your response!


I am sorry you are going thru this too.....how terrible it all is!! I did say in my post that we had ups and downs but who doesn't? My husband hasn't always been expressive so he wouldn't want to discuss things and I know he held a lot inside. I had suggested counseling awhile ago and he said he

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 8:52am

Hello and thank you for responding!


Initially, I had thought it was someone else but his reaction to that made me feel it wasn't AND he looked me in the eye and said it wasn't. I've known him for over 10 yrs and I know when he's not telling the truth....HOWEVER, I really don't think he'd say.....oh yeah, I found someone else. So, I'm going to move on as hard as it is wondering if he does have someone how could he leave me and his son. It happens all the time I know......but when it happens to you it's unbelieveable. I can't control another person.....doesn't matter who it is. This is incredibly difficult.....but with all of life's ups and downs I guess I'll get thru it. I just wish it wasn't so painful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2008
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 9:48am
Hi, yes I am here.. whats's your name?
I jot down things as a read your reply..
The conseling is so tough. I had some intially years ago, not much.. like your husband currently... then we had a big fight and I threw her down ;( about 4 years ago. She was trying to take my truck and after 20 minutes of this I had it. Afterwards I called 911 on myself and they came arrested me. She thought it was all funny, but I had to go thru 6 months of a domestic violence program..once a week. I had to learn alot, in the end I liked it,, hey mikey.. Thats one reason I am sitting here, yes alone an scared,, but not under custody.. To have any lasting effect in conseling you have to change the way you react and be aware of things before hand. We use to use the technique of asking immeditaley if confused about one of us had just said..... "what did you mean by that"? This way the air kept open. It worked some I guess. During the class i learned that I can only do 100% of my 50% and that it? It takes 2 really. She is older and thinks this online deal is not for real. but I know theres real ppl out there. just like me and you who are hurting and are use to the online world.. and accept it. She has never been one for it alive or online. She's like a know it all when it comes to this. She has alot of mental issues anyway bieng raised by a narcisstic type mother..but I won't get into all that.. She's really a good girl, but just not good at relationships is all.
Being happy?? Well the only place Im happy lately is on here an my myspace page.... Yes we like to dicuss our problems and you can feel at ease on here with me or others,, and I am around most of the time. I am self employed antiques & collectibles.. and sell on ebay,, so this fits me pretty well. You can definatley get some relief by talking it out..and unburdening in posts.. and learn just like one thing a day to help you cope.. I will tell you something at the very end which really helped me a while back..;)
Next love..? what is this strange thing.. In my opinion, once you love someone it never really goes away, I mean I still love my friends from school.. my mother and brother of course.. When it comes to a marriage though ..right, why all the vows? Why so much drama? ppl are ppl.. things will fade no mater who you are...and the thrill will go away, then what?. Its an on going job to keep it afloat then. We still love or like each other sure we do. Im always in awe of couples that have been together their whole lives and when one dies,,lots of time the other passes quikly therafter,, a bond for life.. I am so jealous I guess of this, we all dream of this... and it rarely happens.. but does and we all dream of it.. My parents had a beautiful realtionshsip,, but my mother tells me to this day she put up with a temendous amount but they always loved each other and really never thought about divorce.. Its hard,, but whatever happen you husband loves you,, no matter what he says or does. Remember that..
As far as your feelings right now.. your simply freaking out..its natural, and I am sure terry (wife) is doing it right now. You feel like the rug has been pulled out.. shocked to the core,, lost.. I feel like I am walking around with a dagger in my heart,, flopping as I walk, but I keep my head up and keep going . Its does get the best of me on a daily basis though, then I weep some, an eat a little,, an walk some and use myspace page and here.. an it passes.. helping others does the trick too. Like now.. Just hang on to me here and the help offered by me and others and know your not alone.. Try to keep this close to your heart and savor this info we talk about. It will help keep you together some.. you get big hug from matt too .. ;)
Next is something that you can really use,, it is a feather in your cap. You can detox. try to rid yourself of all the bad emotions by surrrounding yourself with positive and happy people. You know how it is when your in a room having fun and someone negative walks in and it all goes quiet. Get away from that and try to have fun..mall walking, go out anywhere any social activity.. its OK to do this too..don't feel guilty about it.. Try to relax and post me back at will.. I am so here..
matt
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2008
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 2:28pm

AHA!!!!! Absolutley!!! I totally agree. There is a 99.9% chance there is another woman in the scene!!!! You are soooooo right! They don't like to be alone, and they can't go without sex for too long. (in man years that is probably a month at the most!)

And the crying. Ugh. He probably means it, but it is so transparent. Do I sound bitter? I don't mean to, however it is what it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 02-09-2008 - 11:00pm

Hi Matt......my name is Paula and I enjoy your thoughtful posts. They help me see clearly.


You're right about counseling. You also have to be willing to let your guard down and dig deep inside to feelings that have been tucked away. These boards are like counseling to me in that they're so supportive and we get to meet ppl who are genuine and empathetic. There is strength in that and it helps with the healing.


Aaaah......couples that have been married their whole lives. How does that happen???? I can't even fathom it. My husband's aunt and uncle, who he is very close to, have been married for....get ready.....60 years!! That's amazing......and I do envy them because even though they had hard times they didn't let their love die to the point of giving up on each other.....of throwing away what was invested into the marriage and in each other. No, love never

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2008
In reply to: pmw730
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 2:35am
Hi Paula.. yes together, and with friends this solo struggle can be made a bit better. Just knowing there understanding ppl out there to help and like me.. going through the same broken hearted siutation. Ppl's advice and consel are like a little bridges you can walk along through these troubled times. Surround yourself with goodness.. I like that one an will try it more.. I have the problem of feeling guilty when I do that though. I can still her my wife saying that I am selfish. She really has tormented me over the years mentally..
I sound strong now, but i am proably the weaker of the 2 in this. She has been here before, I haven't, so its no brainer she will be able to cope better. A little background on my deal..... we talk only email and the last was crazy.. I ought to cut and paste it on here and just may soon!!. lol.. lately she accused me of being in an alternate universe.. I found that fasinating, as yes maybe so. I have gotten myself in a mental postion of closure to a certain degree and and thinking of the future. I am saving myself this time.. Paula,, to me its like anything esle.. We have tried and tried over the years,, I have had conseling, she had a little. I moved away back in 2003 to the mountains of Va. and rented a little house. At the time I thought I could get her away from her family.. see in this siuation her family means more to her than I do. We have done it all and even if we get the conseling again, we know it won't last. I really have no options here.. in this anymore. Its like done.... Back to her family...In alot of ways I was just a fix it guy, an I used to make fun that say I worked for sex.. but thats just about how it was. And her family....If something popped up bewteen me,, the husband,, and say her daughter or dreaded mother, guess who got first attetion. Blood is thicker than water with her.. plus I have always gotten this disstain from her, from simply being a amn, because of all her failed reationshsips in the past. shes a man hater.. Looking back I remember when I intially got into the realtionship with her..My beloved mother and father both told me something so importnant.. They said you're going to have fights and diagreements, but try not to say anything very hurtful to each other when you have thse fights..hurtful things get down deep and stay there and fester... Well that went poof.. right over here head,. I knew I was going to be in trouble from the get go..then but didn't know what to do....She just grumbled.. "well thats mighty had to do isn't it..!!!" For some reason she can't hold back her words and ugliness and here lately, I'm sorry,, but just being purely nasty to me. All these words and insults have finally sunk me and I say.. I don't deserve this treatment.. for whatever reasons its not right. I know she has some mental issues abut her mother and stuff and this is proably the cause for this behavior,, but nevetheless I get both barrels from her..and the older she gets the meaner she gets.. A friend once told me an old adtage..which you may not find so funny,, sorry.. but it goes like this.. You want to see what a woman is going to look like when she gets older.. well just look at her mother.. her mother is a pure monster.. This is true to the point of genes. Her whole family had been introverted and selfish.. well I mean, they look out for #1 first an foremost.. and I knew it I guess and I always tried to take positive things from it though and apply it to my life.. for instance.. they rarely get depressed.!!. ohh how I do.. They are so anal about stuff..they save themselves first.. lol.. I am a giving soul.. You think she's on here trying to give help to somone like a Paula.. He(( NO...
Trying to keep yourself together during the day when you are falling apart breaks my heart.. I know the feelings.. believe me.. with this lost feeling its so tough. You're lucky that at least you sound like you have ppl around you at work. Any distractions is step out of it all. I sit alone here in a cottage on the river in eastern va. by myself alot.. Its peaceful, but it all creeps in on me and next thing I know I am back to destitute feeling again. all this bad stuff, sadness, depression, lonliness.. regrets I should have done more.. kicking myself..asking myself, MY God What Have I Done. I am really making a big mistake.. Then I pull myself back together somehow and add it back up in my head think about what has actually occured,, and what will occur again if I go back into it again. Same old misery for us both.. I am actually letting her move on with her life an not to worry about me. I mean she always seemed so upset with me, the way I dressed or what I ate,, just mad all the time.. I have have a hard road in front of me though. I am walking along like wizard of oz through the forest.. I haven't been here before. By now I am usually back over with her apologizing my head off and and doing so much to make up for it all. I spoiled her to death.. Thats really all she is thinking about right now.. How SHE can go on now an pay the bills, and do all the work...I have tried to assist with half the bills, even though I don't live there. But she has talked to a laywer now and he must have told her something about not taking any $$ from me or something..whatever.. I swear I have down all I can with her.. I guess what it boils down to is her idea of love and mine are different.
Sorry but I had to get all that out..!! ;)
You sound like a really sweet person..
I wish I could help you with each of your depressed thoughts when they come up.. I don't know your exact story but if you want to share more and what your biggest issues or fears...are I can proably help. I helps me to do a 180 from my deal and help others like you.. An objective mind can often clear things right up for us. We get so involved in our thoughts and woes..we can't see the forest for the trees. If you can sort it out to a point of writing down some of the main issues that would proably help and share them here. Also I find if you can get that internal dialog going in a postive way,, that is a really a big help. The way we talk to ourselves is sooo important . Try to be nice to Paula during the day and pat her when she is bummed.. don't let herself do herself in..if you know what I mean..
I had a therapist practice using talking in a third party to me. It was fun and worked. He use to get me to stand up from being the normal me,...and asked to see the old acholic guy, which I use to be inside..and he would try to talk to that guy.. I would change chairs. He didn't like him at all and the drunk hated him... Its was wild.. but we finally got rid of that old drunk !!
I really don't have any support other than these posts and my friends,, and my 84 year old mother and brother, who aren't that good a dealing with it all. I do have alot of friends who know whats going on and they support me. I am sure th word is srpeading too and everyone will know soon.. They all have known me for years and have know we have always not been that happy . I get alot of pats and neck runs from them.. I go to alot of auctions an surround myself with happy ppl...and its surprising if you inquire at all about other ppls siuations you find that yours is not all that bad.. Im always taken back when soemone shares me what they really have been going through, makes me look like a pauper..cancer.. sudden deaths, all types of wicked stuff.
Stay strong Paula, you;'re in my prayers.. and find what works for you.. and stay there like an umbrella over you head.. I am here anytime of day..
matt
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
In reply to: pmw730
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 5:48pm

Hello there! Well, I can tell you that you and I seem to be in the same situation. This is the first time I have posted..just
lurked. My husband of 15 years told me out of the blue that he wasn't happy and wanted out. He says he loves me, I'm
his best friend..but he isn't 'in love' with me anymore. Says he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. That we became
roommates. This was last June. I can tell you that it gets easier. Not every day, but time does seem to be my friend. No, I wasn't swinging from the chandelier naked for him..but I thought we had a pretty darn good marriage. We still had our date nites at least once every week or two, took vacations alone away from the kids..it's just hard, keeping the romance and sex exciting. Apparently, that is where I failed him. I have a lot of regrets, I lost a man I dearly love and it has broken my heart, and our kids. He is a good man, though. I'm trying as hard as I can to keep a decent relationship with him for the kids. So, I do know what you're going through. All my friends say he must be having an affair. I don't think so. He said he didn't want to be one of 'those' men. He did admit though, that he was thinking about it and was worried it could happen if he didn't leave. I became one of those women who really didn't see it coming. No one I knew saw it coming. I have been watching jaws drop as people are finding out. It's not just the two of us and our kids..it's an entire community of friends and family that you leave in a divorce. I wish you luck..go to a therapist, it really did help me. Talk to your friends constantly. They have been my saving grace. And cry..I do it all of the time still. It is terrifying to face being alone. And for me to be in my early 40's and single...OH GOD!! I have started to date..a few times. It's hard. I'm grateful I have always taken care of myself, so I look pretty good..I don't know how to say that without sounding vain?! But...I finally lost that final 10 lbs. that I struggled with since having kids..amazing how stress kills your appetite! But my almost ex DH says I have never looked better. Oh well...

Good luck! Just keep talking..it's how I am surviving!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
In reply to: pmw730
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 8:22pm

Sorry, I know this is tough, but I agree with laurvina.

It sounds like he has someone else. Unless they're spiteful, men never come out and admit to cheating. Start looking around. Check bank & credit card statements for unusual charges, check cell phone records online. Scroll back through caller id for weird numbers. If you find an unknown number that pops up more than once use a reverse online directory to find the owner. Has he spent more time at work lately? Mine was coming home only about 1 hour later... but he was leaving the office earlier.

Also, think about protecting yourself. Do an inventory of your assets and don't forget investments, retirement plans (his & yours), CDs, savings bonds. Don't sign anything w/o seeing a lawyer. Your husband has been thinking about this for a while and has taken steps to protect himself. You're in shock now. Just say you need to think about it b4 you make any decisions.

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