How can I go on?
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How can I go on?
| Fri, 02-08-2008 - 11:50pm |
Hello,
I am new to the board and never thought I'd find myself posting.
Sigh! My husband just told me tonite that he doesn't love me the way he used to and that he doesn't have it in him to work on our marriage. We have been having problems on and off and all of a sudden he just started shutting down and withdrawing. I know it takes two but I was usually the one to initiate discussions about things, to take the first step at trying to spice things up, etc. I have been a good wife....cooking, cleaning,

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My case is one of emotions and fighting all the times. Over 12 years of it and countless conseling.. I have had it .. I think and know its best for both of us to seperate an the divorce. Hey..its a good thing. I am trying to look to the future.. dating agin with new frsh perpescive perhpas, or just feeling freee agin. Its been so longg and I have felt like aslave at times.... You can breath a sigh of relief. I know you proably have depressed thought about what you should have done or could have done.. Don't beat up on yourself. Your hot now and can go out and look around. You can hav fun with it. he probly doens't mean any real harm, just got bored..
You know I was watching a TV shows on natives in Africa. They had this tribe there and I found it fasinating. There was all this todo about marriage. About how a guy would give over his goats or something and pick a certain wife from another nearby tribe.. walk all day with no shoes on hot sand...all these serious tent meeting, smoking dope..an all this drama.. lol..
Then they interviewed the perpective husband.. he of course was talking a different language but was being interpreted as he talked. he said ,,,"well i had to marry her due to this family deal.. but here we marry,, and then later you find someone you really love and get long with better and marry her too." So they have many wives. Theres something to said for this. not that I paticulary support this. God women fighting all the time over the same guy or whatever problems that could arise from that.. But i think happiness is found in many ways and unfortunately in this country we are supposed to marry one person for life. Its tough to do obviously. So I say go girl and get out there. I don't plan to do anything right now,, but i try to stay positve and keep focused on the future and not sit here feeling sorry for myself. Anybody reading this should do the same.. Don't feel sorry for yourself. get up and reply to this post!!...
Matt
Hi Matt! How are you doing? Sorry I haven't posted in awhile but I've been busy with work and other things. My work schedule is rather crazy.....some nights I'm not home till 10 pm.
Happy you are having a chance to mend some,, and it sounds like you do have a decent comminication with your husband. Being able to communicate without alot of drama and getting defensive when you percieve fault cast upon you is so important. Whatever works for you guys.. Nobody is keeping score either or a time clock clicking, take your time and work with each other.. and be patient.. i m sure you know all this,, just mentioning.. Bottom line is that if this is your first bad happening.. more than likely you can get a repreive..lets hope so,, right!
The other side of the coin which I can see from where I am currently, is that we had small fights at first and reconciled, but we never fought fair and she in particular said some pretty bad things personal like to me that hurt me deep down.. Don't say hurtful things!!! They will come back to haunt your relationship.. I was no saint and had my paranoid issues where I thought she was fooling around on me.. Looking back I was pretty insecure, but she remembers all that and all this comes right to the surface in any discussion we have lately..She mantains this stupid idea of trying to win her point. As smart as she is, shes pitful at trying to work on relationships. in her mind shes wants to make it my fault and I have me to fix it all.. period.. its really hopeless.:( sorry got off on me..
Trying to figure out when to have fun and smell the roses? ha.. I got that one figured out awhile back before marriage... Picture yourself on a trail hiking in the mountains. I live in Va. so the mountains are not too far away. Life is a trail.. you huff and puff up a dark gloomy trail with underbrush and hard footing, then you come to a ridge with a beautiful overlook. You linger for awhile then take it in.., you know you must move on . so you head out into the unkownn trail really hoping theres another pretty overlook to enjoy..amd maybe some wild rose bushes to stop and smell along the way.. remember how that song went exactly.. Its was a classic.. You have a rough map of where your going but no places marked, so you have to recognize them as you go... You have to make your luck and make your time to smell them as you get older. There is still magic but you have try alot harder it seems. Its just as sweet though.. You get that satifaction the same..
Career choices. OMG.. I am not that much help in this catergory.. personally I tried all kinds of jobs. See I was raised in richmond va. a small city and last count I had 47 different jobs. I was in the Coast Guard out of skool and then a machinist, a Lawn Doctor, a land surveyor to mention a few. Now I am self employed as an antique dealer and prety happy althoug it is like gambling. but I have knowledge now and can survivie ok to damn good sometimes... Now in your situation unfortunatley you don't have the pleasure of doing what you love aka massage at the spa. because its not bringing the dough.. Your husband is being so nice and supports you but he really doesn't inside... because its not cutting the mustard..... He sounds like he is letting you try to work it out on your own, but its taxing his patience....maybe he will talk about that. I bet its bothering him alot.. One of the main thing couples argue and fight over is money. We did and are now.. You have to get that straight somehow. We have our own money. Thats how we worked it for years. I just paid half basically.. My parents had a joint account and my father would hand my mother his check every week. What a difference a generation makes. but if you can do something you love and make money thats the key to happiness. If you're stuck in a miserable job, like I was for years it affects all aspects of your life. I was an alcholic..nuff said.. You need to be happy in your work.. period. You proably agree but have to make better money somehow, so you may have to put up with a job that you're not all that happy with..sorry. ;( All I am telling you for your future. married or not married whatever your circumstance in life.. old or young... is that you need to do something that makes you happy even ifs not all that much money in it.. at least I do. I do know ppl who work in plants and make gobs of money and it doesn't affect them, I am jealous of them, because I climb the walls. I just couldn't stand behind a machine all day long making parts.. We only have one life so do what you love damn it,, is what i say.. See.. Im not that much help here ;).
Sound like you guys have a loving relationship. Love will find a way. We loved/love each other too, but through all the fights or whatever.. its has run its course.sadly
Your paragraph about men haters is excellent. What you say is so true. thats is another dagger that did me in. She hated me for what her second husband had done.. How stupid is that? She was almost calling me michael. I was nothing like this bum of a guy.. I hated that..still do.. Thats was fatal flaw she has as far as relationships go.. good luck to the next fellow. he is in for it!!
Quiet times are he((. i try so hard to stay busy and actually typing here gets my mind off of it or at least I feel I am throwing up.. ha ha.. in words getting it out. Did I get any on you..lol I guess ideally if I had something for every siuation to keep me from dwelling on it that is another key to it all. Ignoring it, dosen't make it go away. So you have to spend some time on figuring out what to do..but avoid the saddness nd depression. these are strong emotions..also hits harder when you are tired..
You sound like you have a pretty level head and are working very hard to separate the feelings and to what the right thing to do.. All the questions you asked at the bottom of your post are true and I agree,, I see what you are saying .. basically in essence how the hell can a person accomplish all this equation of relationships and dealing with problems, with all these factors to consider. It makes it nearly impossible.. Oh well hate to end like that, but time for me to get back in th sack. its past midnight..
As a far as us right now,, I am simply waiting on her to talk with a laywer to sort us out with a no fault divorce and separation. We are going the cheap route. I am giving her the house.. its he(( again, but I do have a place to stay fortunaley. She wants to be fair an I am trusting her on this.. She is good at alot of things.. We are talking some and finaly agree its over and wishing each other happiness in the future etc. Its so sad. but i feel relieved in a way that we are working it out a least..
Good luck deary..so nice to talk with you and keep me posted on your progress.
matt
Hello
I am in a similar situation...(I just posted the 15 years down the drain) the hurt, confusion and deep sorrow that the love that I give/gave is being thrown away and he seems to think that nothing will fix our problem and doesn't see how therapy will help us (we went last year for 3 month and the doc was as useful as a wet blanket)
ShimmyGirl2008....**BIG HUGS**
This is an extremely difficult time in our lives and I beat myself up thinking.....how did this happen? HOW?! At what point did it turn into........I don't know if I want this marriage, I don't know if I feel the same.....oh, okay then maybe I will try to work it out. It's all sooooo complicated and I have no answers. I do know it's the loneliest feeling EVER and most of the time I feel as though I've been pushed off a cliff......I'm falling and there's no one to catch me. Although my husband has admitted he doesn't want to throw away what we had I still feel like a lot of damage has been done. I feel insecure and like I may not be attractive to him anymore, I feel emotionally disconnected from him at times and like I don't know who he is.
It's wonderful to get support here so please keep posting and sharing your feelings. I may not answer right away due to my hectic and weird working schedule, but I will answer.
I hope you're doing okay.
Hi Matt, how are you doing? It was nice reading your post too.....thanks for being so open and honest!!
Yeah, there's a chance to mend......but a part of me is really scared....scared that it's going to be this rollercoaster ride of emotions and then NOTHING. My feelings at times.....how can you make something BE when it isn't?? Shouldn't' it just be there naturally? I know lots of people go to counseling and it does help......I don't know why I'm feeling so negative now. Sigh! I'm just tired of being in this situation.....the life I once knew is no longer and I hate that. I can't stand waking up each morning not knowing if I'm going to be living alone w/my son in a month or 2....or 6 mos. I hate walking around pretending to others that I'm okay and living happily ever after. I don't have any joy in my heart and life is too short not to be happy. Saying hurtful things CAN come back to haunt you for sure. We've had some bad arguments in the past and I came to the realization that saying things out of anger can destroy a relationship so when the urge
If we are not living the exact same life at the exact same time. My mom pass from cancer and the same sermon from my husband. I am still going through the motion. All I can say is be upfront with your son and let him know your commitment to the relationship and Just do a temporary setup with the bills. I would wait on divorce unless he is ready because emotionally your are not ready. Take care of yourself and begin to plan for your life in the event this becomes final and the where you go from here feeling maybe try some journaling and I read a lot.
Because, I am just like you still dealing with the emotions myself.
I read your post and in the beggining it doesn't sound very good at all. I will be open and honest as I think that is the only way to be, especially on here. I just say it like it is, or how I percieve to be.. If you are this fed up with reconcilation and fear a constant rollercoaster ride, then you are negative, and are being counter productive about things. In the conseling I learned you have to do 100% of your 50%. Sounds like your fed up, have the towel in hand, getting ready to pitch it in. Not that you are wrong here. Maybe the time has come.. Effectively thats what I have done. I truely believe that things, siuations and realtionships have to run their course, Then you get closure knowing that it is over and move on and feel more importantly.. satisfied about it all. I do at this point. I have tried and tried and she isn't trying at all and never really has,, Just too many factors like heavy smoking and all. It is a simple and correct decision on my part.. but no matter how you cut it,.. I am lonely and feel like I need her still and I miss her and what we had. She's only living a mile away in the house we bought and we have chickens and an old dog. its really upsetting. I just said goodbye to her,, and the rest goes with her. I wish I could boot her out and go back over there to live.. ;) Just kidding. She needs and deserves a decent place. She's a really good and loyal woman, never cheated, she doens't do that type of thing..just bossy and other troubles. Likes to argue and has gotten prety mean in her old age.. Well enough about me.. You have to figure and this is the hard part.. Do you want to continue with the old song and dance of fighting and breaking up, then making back up again routine. If the fights and arguments arn't that frequent and you get along most of the time, then you can let it ride. But I say if they become more freqent and more violent and dumb or irrational. Then you and him would be better off separated. terry and I don't even talk anymore even online messaging. I have to admit i feel more relaxed not having to respond to some emotional filled message. You finally reach your breaking point and I don't know where your is..
Next the job issue and money. Number 1 thing couples argue and worry over is the damn money. We did and do now. I worry alot but try as hard as I can in my line of work to do more and more, which is a definate pleasure of being self employed, There is no roof over my head,, I can reach until I make it to Sotherby's if I wish or where ever. I have learned alot over the years and can spot the rare collectibles in an instant wherever I go. I said in the last post,, I think and its very important in your decision making.... very important. Your career or chosen profession is your life. If you are stuck doing something you depise or feel miserable in, then it will complicate every aspect of your life. You need to be happy with your work. if this meanss getting a divorce than this has to be considered. See what I mean. Your not getting any younger either.. Take your son and be a massage therapist and you might be happier than you are now. Your marriage is secondary to a person's career in my opinion. That sounds bad I know,, but if your think about it i know you will agree. You simply spend more time at work than you do with your mate most of the time..
My job of antiques an collectibles. yes most of the time its a blast. I go to auctions all the time and buy all this neat stuff, price it in different directions and collect my checks at the end of the month. I have 3 booths and sell on Ebay under the name Urbanna , BTW i have a myspace page. Urbanna Flea Market.. you an look it up to if you wish.. i do OK, most of the time. Today for instance I got some really rare japan import records, The Beatles, Bob Dylan and some others. I paid $20 for the lot and will get that for one on Ebay. I have 12 of them..all different and from the 60's it appears. Hell I may make alot on them,, I hope so! So today was good and I hope Ebay is good to me as well. It is charming and the antiques do have all this detail that is long forgotten. I love the old slower times when ppl weren't that rushed and have few problems, etc..
I enjoy the line of work and that equates to be at least me being happy in that. I have friends and they support me and know what i have been through over the years.
I wish I could tell you exactly what to do, but just weight things as they come and think of your and his happiness. If you fight all the time and worry ..its not worth it and after you have gone through a separtion andd or divorce then you will feel happy again. I feel a little happier already, but hit with depresions alot. It reminds me of withdrawals from an addiction. Same feelings.. OK. I hope I have helped you and again I like you Paula. If you break up come to Eastern Va and look me up.. !! I bet we would have a chance.. ;)
Matt
I am so sorry for what you are going through. When I read your post, I said, OMG, your husband is me. What he has done to you is exactly what I did to my husband just today.
I wanted to explain to you my side of things, maybe it won't apply to your situation but maybe it can help you understand.
For a while now, I haven't felt right in my life. I can't put my finger on it, but I think mostly it has to do with the fact that I haven't been true to the person that I am inside. I don't know if it's me, or my relationship, but I know that something isn't right, and that the only way to figure it out is to separate from my relationship until I do.
I love my husband very much. I hate the thought of hurting him. I bet your husband loves you too and feels the same way. He probably hasn't felt like himself and now it's all coming out on you. You didn't do anything wrong; my husband didn't either-he's wonderful and supportive. But again, something just isn't right.
If he feels like he can't be true to himself and be the person he needs to be, maybe that's the problem. I don't know-but that's my point of view.
Again, I'm sorry. Trust me, it's horrible for him too.
Hi Matt.......SIGH! You're right.......I am being negative. Thank you for your honesty and for telling it like it is. I appreciate that. I wasn't in
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