How can I go on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
How can I go on?
39
Fri, 02-08-2008 - 11:50pm

Hello,


I am new to the board and never thought I'd find myself posting.


Sigh! My husband just told me tonite that he doesn't love me the way he used to and that he doesn't have it in him to work on our marriage. We have been having problems on and off and all of a sudden he just started shutting down and withdrawing. I know it takes two but I was usually the one to initiate discussions about things, to take the first step at trying to spice things up, etc. I have been a good wife....cooking, cleaning,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 10:53pm

Hello and thank you for your post. I'm very sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 10:58pm

Yes, being upfront with my son is the only way to go. I know.....and planning is a good step because you never know. I do enjoy journaling. I did that for awhile after my mom passed in 2005. It helps. Thank you!


Take care of yourself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2008
In reply to: pmw730
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 1:10pm
Hi, nice to hear back from you so fast.. :). Yes I do like you alot.. This means Im getting concerned with what your dealing with.. and really want to help even more... I know what you mean by the looney bin. When I typed the post to you last evening I was strong, well now I am down again..;(. The pendulum does swing to and fro without warning.. I guess the withdrawl symtoms is a correct analogy here too. I feel so sad and lonely, but yet I don't want to go back to all that I and from relationship wise. So I am just hoping something comes along or I get to feeling better and better and start getting out more having some fun soon. I am troubled by not hearing a peep from her either. She was suppose to be working on the divorce. If she doesn't well, I will have to move on anyway. I may find someone and then the age old marriage will be a problem. I think I am jumping the gun worring about all that though. I guess Im upset this morning.. SIGH is right paula.. Oh me..
Well getting back to your delima.. You mentioned communication. Sounds as if you guys have broken down there, and this is fatal to your relationship. I learned that through the conseling... Volcanoes build up if you don't maintenace the realtionship with comminication. Its so vital to do this because its complicated and needs to be corrected and fixed up some everyday really. If it is neglected, then your playing with fire and don't know what the other guy is thinking or worring about. One thing we did,, which I may have mentioned before. Is stopping and profundly asking. "What do you really mean by that" after he has said something if is at all unclear to you.... Or if you percieve him thinking or concerned or worring over something,, just step right up to the plate and ask him.. It can't hurt and will show him you're trying.. This sometimes is a big ice breaker and he will respond in kind and release some of his feelings just knowing you're concerned and also showw him that you love him too.
Respect, yes that a biggie... When read that I was thinking if Terry still respected me.. proably so,, she realizes what has happened and how I really am.. a nice guy.. this is very hard for her I am sure.. It would be so much easier if I was a big jerk..lol. Then she could get closer and move on. But she's knows I am a caring fellow and gentle really so she proably wants me back and is thinking maybe what she could have done different. This is the senario we have been through numerous times before. We reconcile,, have that wonderful make up sex.. sorry. ;), then another 6 months goes on.. Well this time I don't want to go through all that again. I guess Im tired of it all or something.. ... Its me this tme who doesn't want to fall back in that groove. Our relationship was very complicated because it also involved out work too. For instance I would go with her to auctions and pack all her merchandise and then help her deliver it and all asssociated things. So she has not only lost a hubby, but a right arm at work too. I feel so sorry for her.. but I don't want that back. yes I am having a tough time right now for sure.. getting sad typing at this very moment.. Another SIGH....
So you're at he point of learning about...things have got to get worse, before they get better stage.. I think you have a chance.. just try the tactics I mentioned above.. Ask what did you mean by that. I swear that helped us more than anything. Its awkard at fist but helps. Things maybe don't have to get worse..;)
Your career.. first how old are you,,? i get the feeling your in your 20's or soemthing.. am I right? I am 47,, yeah old man.. lol. And what do you do exactly? I forgot. You say you get tired? I am guessing very active massaging ? I need an update on the particulars there.. You sound like you do have o make alot of desicions on this and only you can figure out what you can take or not. I think your better though in this field where your realitivley happy verses the corporate world . That makes me shiver to think of.. I would kill myself if I had to work out of a cubicale !!!!
She has been married twice. A daugther by first marraige Jenny whos' 33 now and has twin little girls. I was Papa..to those girls ;) now I haven't seen or spoken to her either for over a month. Terry's second marraige she had son. I was instrumental in raising him, because her second husband killed himself year ago.. .It was horrible. They lived in Phoenix BTW when all that happened. She moved back to Va. with Jamison in a huge rental truck after all that. Jamison was 10 when I came on the scene,,in 96.. now he's 22 and in the Coast Guard.. I was in the Coast Guard and thought it would be good for him.. he loves it. and is stationed nearby on the Cheaspeake Bay here.. I don't know what he thinks about it all. He proably understands and simply is worried about his mother right now. We kind of drifted apart as he got older. he went through a bad drinking phase and I really lost my temper at him and his drunken buddies one time and said some bad stuff ...really bad..I ws just trying to get their attention.because I ws worried they were going dow bad road and would get killed driving and drinking ,,they had motorcycles too an stayed drunk alot.. and I am sure he lost respect for me then, if not a long time ago to a certain degree. He is a real sentitvie sort of guy.. We were tight when he was a kid though. I miss those days..
Yes I have always like the idea of old things.. I used to sell antiques an collectibles to get christmas money.. Then I got into digging old bottles and it was grand hobby for years. I had shelves of them when I met Terry. I was proud of them and showed them to her.. I was a waterman then, a crabber on the rapphannock river here. Then the crabs disssapeared and I went into the biz with Terry. I can't keep stuff around here nuch before I sell it. Now she has all types of triknets over at her house.. Its loaded with great stuff, antique furniture and all kinds of old stuff that we have gottne over the years...I have stuff in tubs right now all over the place.. It really keeps me going.. but I do get sick and feel sorry for myself ..like now SIGH.. it will go anyway though. I have been here before.. My heart feels like its has a bullet in it. Literaly it hurts right there in my chest.. physically too like caving in feeling.. I can't dwell on it..
Its sure helps having a new friend to share with in a sweet Paula. I hope you don't get to worn out with your work an figure out how to handle that and manage it in your life. I suport you doing what you enjoy..even if you're not geting rich.. Do you get tips.....hummmm. ;) Just stay in shape and you shouldn't have a problem maybe. And the relationship..?? well do your best and message me and try not to get to dispondent about it all if things go south.. I hope it all will get better for you.. I know how you feel though at the low times...and you can come bury your head in my chest anytime.. BIG HUGS
Matt
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: pmw730
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 11:57pm

Dear Matt......your sadness came thru in your post and I had to respond right away. I'm so sorry you're feeling down....but (and I know you know this) it's a journey w/ups and downs. The downs won't last so hang in there. Oh goodness.....I can't type fast enough, so many thoughts and feelings running thru my head. I got teary eyed reading your post......life has so many changes.....SO many changes. Gosh, a lifetime of memories fills our heads to the rim.....so many

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2008
In reply to: pmw730
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 7:34am
Wow, that helps tremendously Paula.. Your support and words or encouragment mean so much right now. And thanks so much about saying that I am kind and sensitive,, "blushes".. Its just so nice knowing somebody out there gives a damn.. Bless you! I was weak yesterday and I tended to bare my soul,, wasn't intenional either, I was feeling very down..;(. The periods do get longer with happiness, but when the gloom returns it seems overwhelming bad then.. I finally got a message from Terry as well yesterday. She is going to work on he big D, (can't even say the word!) She only typed a paragraph or two but it was littered with confusion. I read it a couple times and she sounded like a Dr Phil hyping on me being an abuser..which is like way out there, because I am far from that..I have had a handfull off temper tantrums and broke a coffee cup one time, and yelled an stuff, but she has me wearing a wife beater's T shirt.. lol.. I think what she's doing is trying to portray me as this bad guy so she can get the closure she's needs. I think I mentioned this in the last post. Well this is exactly whats she's doing in my opinion.. The sad part now is,, that she is mentioning grief.. I think its really sinking in that this is over. She's pitiful right now is all I can say.. She mentioned all the dreams we had are gone , but she can start new ones.. These little phrases tear me up because this is whats killing me inside as well. Fixing up the house, going on trips with the grandchildren and all involved.. Its so sad. She even mentioned about trying to stop smoking at the very end of it..this tells me she's kinda desparate too. My main challenge was to trying to figure out how to respond back.. so I simply chose to ask her to keep me informed about the laywer and thanks for the thoughts.. may have come through cold to her, but I have to be strong about this and mature an its so so tough..
Paula, you have such empathy and I am impressed that you can take your issues and set them aside to address mine. It takes an exceptional person to do this.. One of the rare books that tried to read,, (hate to read thick books) A Purpose Driven Life.. In this the author mentions that God's idea of happiness is not for us to be selfish and worry so much about our own problems and obstacles, but surrender them to god, an help others.. This is so special to just abandon it seems your own problems, and delve into someones esles.. But this is the way to happiness. I have gotten help out of helping ppl. and I think you get the idea too.. THX SO MUCH
To mention that your son is 16.. well that makes me smile.. At this age you have your hands full. A puss filled kiddo (acne) thats stuck inbetween childhood and becoming a man. Very awkard..and emotional. As the mother I would suggest just being a mother like you always have. He knows what he's going through. Just love him like always, even though he's acting a fool sometimes.. ;) You're not losing him, it may seem that way,, but he will come back.. Jamison now has finally gotten older and he's smoothing out,.a real man, It takes alot of patience and love to get him over those teenage year hurdles...
Jamison' father was a tragic death. I don't think anybody really knows exatly what happened but it involved drugs and he killed someone, then killed himself in prison.. Just a horrible nightmare.... this is one of the reasons that Terry an I have been together so long. I rescued her from that and brought her back to life here in Va. in alot of respects. As you can imagine, she was so withdrawn an fiersly independant and it was just her and her little jamsion back then..living in a dingny old house.. I was so lonely too, they took me in and together we built a life..I could write such a book ! Shocking isn't it Paula.. Don't fret.. I will be OK, an as I have mentioned your words of kindness mean so much..
Massage therapist...I have bulging discs in my neck from an automobile accident a few years ago...so you could proably help me out!!!! This sounds like a great job, you have to stay in shape, which is so important as we get older.. And the idea of going out own you one day.. Well I bet this gets you excited dreaming about having your own buisness. I can attest its nothing like being your own boss. I love it..!
Now your conseling effort are going to be tough.... One of the main things is hopefully you will get a good therapist or conselor. They are not all the same. Some are alot better than others. Seek out that special conselor that makes you feel comfortable with. The group conseling helped me alot too. Either you or your husband might consider this. Its sorta of indirect, and you are more relaxed and can utilize what you learn from other ppls siuations and combined that with good advice and tactics in a group, and of course they become aware of your own personal siuations and become friends too. To do any, BOTH of you have to go for it.. There are other things like learning to fight fair and stop playing the blame game.. We never got there because she didn't get it.. Even to this day she sitting over there trying to figure out who's wrong.. but learning to fight fair is a good thing.. You might want to inquire about that too. As you mentioned and I know full well..all a person can do is the %100 of your %50 though.. But if both are trying then it makes it better. At least you know your both are trying to fix the problem and like you said. if you have tried it all, an it still doesn't work, well then you can get closure and feel good about it, knowing you have tried.. and move on and feel OK about it. .. I wish you the best here and really hope you can work it out and find NEW methods of communicating and working on your problems. We both know all about the down times..so this is the perfect place to fall back on and weep with me when its gets out of hand and you're dispondant.. Bury your head and we will cry together.. .. We are near the same age and have the same kinda of problems.. lets keep this going,, I like it.!!!
BEAR HUG.. ;)
Matt
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: pmw730
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 11:01pm

Terry, no need to apologize. I have always respected others feelings esp. when it comes to sensitive issues.


I wish you all the best,
Paula

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
In reply to: pmw730
Tue, 02-26-2008 - 8:54am

I don't have any advice for you since your story seems like a page out of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: pmw730
Tue, 02-26-2008 - 12:10pm

Thanks very much Jen! Life can be so cruel sometimes....you wonder how anyone can smile or laugh. Our inner strength will always be there to get us thru tough times. Stay positive, keep posting, know that better days are ahead and, most importantly,....take good care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2008
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 10:12pm

I read your post and have to tell you that I know exactly what you are going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2001
In reply to: pmw730
Sat, 03-01-2008 - 10:49pm

Mom-nelia.....I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going thru. Yes, it is mind blowing to say the least when you find yourself in a situation like this.