How can I remain the bigger person when
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| Fri, 08-05-2005 - 11:40pm |
I changed my name from newtoold because I set that up a long time ago when I was considering online dating but I never went ahead with it. Just so you (might) know who I am, because I have posted here occasionally.
Last night my dd (12) and I were talking and it came up that her dad had told her the reason he doesn't call is because he used to call daily and I never gave the kids the messages so he gave up. The reason this came up is, she wanted the password for playing my voice mail (on our home phone) because "Daddy says he leaves us messages all the time and you must forget to give them to us, so I just want to be able to play them myself." Well, PMS kicked in and I ended up spitting out some truths that I should NEVER have...beginning with scrolling through caller id (60 call memory and 2 from their dad), to the fact that he and I have had huge arguments about his not returning the kids phone calls, to reminding her how he gave her a cell phone and she's had it for a month and how many messages has he left her on it? It just made me so MAD that like always he's blaming someone else (this time me) for his shortcomings, and that the kids might believe that I am sabotaging their relationship with their father when the reality is that he's just a lazy selfish man who calls if it's convenient and sometimes doesn't call for days and days, even if they leave multiple messages. He lives 15 hours away, and comes down for about one weekend a month to see them. And he doesn't even have a job right now, still has his apt. here in our town but is living in his brother's basement looking for a job in the town where he grew up. Meanwhile I'm working 2 while trying to raise our 3 children alone.
So how would you guys respond to this? It's lose/lose situation any way I look at it, because I'm either letting them believe that I try and come in between them and their dad,which is not true but which I'm sure they will hate me for. Or do what I did, and feel terrible about, and actually point out his shortcomings to them so he can appear the bad guy instead of me. And it's not really his shortcomings, that would be like telling them Daddy drinks too much. This is more like letting them know that deep down, he probably doesn't really care all that much, because he's really not capable of it. The man is not mean or cruel or abusive, just selfish and neglectful. Maybe lacking some part of the personality that makes you truly care about somebody. I don't really believe he ever *truly* cared about anyone other than himself or even has the capacity to. But, I do not want to take the blame for his selfishness.
I just can't figure out any way of having this discussion which my daughter began without hurting her. She ended up crying, saying "I want it to not be true, but I know it is". Some day she will put it all together but I hate for it to be now, when she's dealing with adolescence, middle school...life can be hard enough for a 12 year old girl.

I think if he's going to lie then he's pushing you in a corner where you need to tell the truth. If your dd said she know's it's true, then she's probably ready for that truth. I stayed in denial about a lot of my father's shortcomings until I was in my 20s and 30s. If your dd can't handle the honesty, you will know. I think if you are giving the truth (and the truth with supportable evidence behind it is the most effective) and you combine that with lots of hugs, that is going to be okay. My mom always used to say my dad loved us in his own way or as much as he could or something like that. When I was a child I took that to mean he did love me, I was hearing what I wanted to hear. Now that I am older I know what she meant was he wasn't capable of loving us the way a parent should.
The other things that will help your children get through this is 1) only being this honest when they do need to know it, like to refute a lie and when you know they won't doubt your statements (just as you did, you had the caller id and her cell phone as proof he hasn't called her and you couldn't just let his lie go unanswered to your children) 2) letting the children know they can always come to you and talk about their feelings (the knowledge they have about their dad is a really big burden, when I was young my mom would let me talk whenever I needed to, even if that meant past bedtime) and 3) offer if they feel they want to talk to someone else other than you or their dad, and find them a qualified counselor to help them cope with these issues (you can't force them to go, but if they think it might be a good idea then it will be a good idea).
I think you did fine, I don't think it was PMS, it was your gut (or head or heart) letting you know you had to do this for your sake and the children's sakes.
Thanks First. Your answer really made me feel better, especially knowing how well you can relate to what she's going through from your own childhood. I unfortunately pointed out other shortcomings of his to support my own side of things, like the fact that even though his mother has fibromyalgia and is in chronic pain he let her pack all the kids clothes before they came home from their visit. She had driven them from SC to NJ with her when she went to visit her other son and grandson, and my ex is living with them. My point was, sort of like your mom told you, Daddy loves you the best he can but he can't put the physical effort into parenting. They had eaten hot dogs EVERY night of their visit because, in my dd's words, "Nana's back really hurt so she couldn't cook, and my ex's SIL was busy taking care of the baby, so Daddy had to make dinner." When I asked if their clothes were clean or dirty they said "Oh yeah, Nana washed everything before she packed it." So I think his level of involvement is apparent, or should be. But all I say is, well let's get a good dinner into you.
On the other hand, he is plannng on driving 15 hours to take our son to his first day of kindergarten. I haven't mentioned this yet because there's about a 50/50 chance it will actually happen. I'm glad he's trying but on the other hand it's a special day and I don't want to share it with him. But it's his son too, and he'll be SO excited if his Dad is there, so I'll keep that to myself:)
Well, thanks again for your reassurance. Have a great weekend!
I don't think you can hurt your children with honesty or that you aren't being the 'bigger' person.
I had a similar situation when my son was 16 years old. He came home from his dad's and asked, "So, just where does all of your money go?" I knew the question wasn't his -- something his dad had put into his head. And just handed him my budget book and said that he could see for himself. Also, that if he found anywhere that I was being extravagant, let me know. He came back saying, "Well, I guess we wouldn't need to have cable tv." He has never again questioned me like that. And now that he's 20, last weekend he needed some stuff for back-to-college. I offered to take him to Walmart -- he said, "No, I'll see Dad tomorrow. He can handle this bill."
I've never torn my Ex down to the boys, but I've never falsly built him up either. As they're getting older, they're seeing the problems for what they are -- a selfish man who chose his happiness over his family. And I've never had to say a word!
Hugs, you and your children will survive!
Edie
>>>I unfortunately pointed out other shortcomings of his to support my own side of things...<<<
I still think it will be okay. As long as you continue to encourage the relationship and try to help your children accept what is and be okay with that, being honest might help them more than it hurts to know the truth. It would be bad if you used the information to get the children to turn on him, but you aren't doing that.
>>>On the other hand, he is plannng on driving 15 hours to take our son to his first day of kindergarten. I haven't mentioned this yet because there's about a 50/50 chance it will actually happen.<<<
I'm not sure how it happened, but when I was in the third grade I was Cinderella in the play and my father came to it. We lived in Colorado and he lived in Oklahoma. I know he didn't love me the way I deserved, I know he was absent from 99% of my life, but I will always have that memory and it means a lot to me he made that effort.
Hi... I think that at 12... it's time for reality to set in.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~