How can someone be so cold?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
How can someone be so cold?
4
Sat, 12-08-2007 - 11:19pm

I'm so confused and hurt, I thought I was getting better, it's been almost 7 months, but it's a constant rollercoaster. He's the one that said it was over, that he wished he never met me..... 5 years and 2 kids later. So I hired the lawyer, but I still have to pay the filing fees before the ball will get rolling. He's never talked to me, about why our relationship failed, or even what we wanted from divorce. I've tried a few times, with no success. Today I asked him one last time if he had any plans for dealing with the divorce and he just snapped at me. Saying how he's told me time and time again, all he wants is the papers to sign and be done with me. So I told him as soon as his petition was ready to be served I would personally bring them to him to sign and take them straight back to my lawyer. Besides a hint of annoyance, he seemed pretty much emotionless. We were talking on the phone, and I don't know why he still has this effect on me, but I felt like he just slapped me in the face. I think I did pretty well, I had to take many deep breaths, but I managed to hold off the bawling until we hung up.


Yes, we had our problems....but I loved him, even with all the BS I had to put up with....and then he suddenly decides I'm not worth it anymore? I know he loved me...but how do you just give up on that person?


I don't know. I don't understand. I'm just down today. I hate these days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 8:37am

So sorry to hear that you had such a rough time of things with your stbx.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2007
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 2:15pm
Hi,
I'm so sorry... I am 7 months out from my separation as well, and while I don't have kids and wasn't married as long as you I've faced the same cold behavior. It's normal for you to hurt and be sad and angry, to love someone enough to dedicate the rest of your life to honoring them and then losing that is impossible to understand until you go through it, so don't expect to "understand" how you're feeling, just don't beat yourself up over it. It sounds so cliche, but you need to look at it as "okay, this man is NOT a husband, he doesn't want to be my partner, so I will be better off." Who is to say whether he believed he could be your best friend forever and had the will and desire to uphold his vows when he said them, I don't know the guy, but things change and people change and if he doesn't anymore then you owe it to yourself and your children to prevail and move forward with your life to find that man that really WILL be there "in sickness and health, for richer or poorer" and in the meantime be an individual with the strength within you to make those vows to yourself. This time feels like a roller coaster because it IS, and it will be for a while longer, and the people that love you will understand that (probably better that you or I do most of the time)... Don't punish yourself or think of yourself as a weak person for grieving, that's normal and healthy - just don't project his behavior onto you and your character. And don't continue to say "I don't know what happened" - what happened is that HE changed, for whatever reason, and it sucks for lack of a better word. Now focus on you and what you need to heal. Finalizing your divorce, having that closure, is a HUGE step in the healing process - it's amazing how empowering it is just getting your maiden name back. And as far as finances are concerned, you owe it to yourself and your kids to FIGHT for financial support, don't feel guilty, and don't be afraid of upsetting him in the process - he certainly isn't afraid of upsetting you for lesser and illogical reasons (if for any reason at all). In the meantime, surround yourself with people that love you and let them be your backbone when you can't seem to find your own, and focus on LEARNING from this experience, not DWELLING on it, so that you can incorporate that wisdom into a better future. You'll get through this. Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 3:07pm

Thank you so much for your replies. I am feeling a bit better today. I stayed up pretty late last night thinking, and I have a tentative conclusion. Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief, loss, sadness, or whatever the case may be. I believe this is the only way he knows how to deal with his emotions. I know he loved me, and I don't think it's humanly possible to just turn emotions on and off like a switch, so If he's still behaving like this, he must still be going through the process too. To tell the truth, he's always been like this. If he doesn't like something, or there's a lot of stress, he tends to run away, avoid, or disconnect and pretend like nothing is wrong. I don't know why he can't express himself, or fight for what he thinks is right, but this is something only he can figure out.


And to tell the truth about me, I have learned SO much about myself these past 7 months, and for that I am grateful. I do think this happened for a reason, and it's going to be a while before I figure out all the pieces, but that's ok.

Avatar for julie364
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-09-2007 - 8:09pm
I can certainly relate to your feelings. Sorry that you are going through this. The replies from others have been so well written. I wish I had someone like mandypants(sorry do not know your name) walking through my D with me. I would have to say I agree with all that you said.