How to Come Out "Ahead"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
How to Come Out "Ahead"?
11
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 7:27pm

Ok, I mean psychologically.

My STBXH has been trying to "control" this divorce the best he can. We finally have a proposed consent decree to my attorneys office for me to review and discuss with her this week.
I already know there are some problems with it, because I am supposed to agree that "no doestic violence" has taken place. That's beside the point though.

What I am wondering is how I can keep my head on straight and come out of this OK, while trying to deal via attorneys (finally, because he has left me alone per his attorneys advice) with an abusive alcoholic. He is determined to keep this divorce going just to cause problems.

I am willing to walk away from about everything even though this is a community property state just to be done.

How did those of you that have or are dealing with it well, survive this part?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 5:02pm
Counseling, lots of counseling. It was the only way I got through the crappy parts with an abusive, alcoholic narcissist X. Heck, everyone associated with the case, including HIS attorneys felt we needed group counseling by 1 year mark. My X is still dragging out some smaller issues, but I've moved on. Community property/no fault is a great idea. Just get as much financial info as you can to protect your interests. The laws make it pretty easy to make sure you don't get totally screwed. He can threaten all he wants, you get half. Don't cave on the abuse charges. If abuse occured, it occured, don't give away that leverage too easily Try to think of this as a business negotiation. Get the emotions out of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 7:53pm

Thanks so much for your response. I have been in counseling and will continue.

I guess it's not something people can answer.

The way I look at it in this divorce is, that one of us has to be the sane one, and he has determined that isn't going to be him.

Luckily, we were only married just under a year, have no debt (that I am aware of, anyway) and only acquired minimal assests (~20K?) during this time & have no mutual kids. He has all of the community property, because he said it was purchased with "his money" (he refers to everything as HIS money, because he re-financed his house just prior to marriage and probably had $60K when we got married left from that). Some of the items were purchased with his/our income that he earned the few months he worked during our marriage.
He was layed off 3 weeks after we got married then had a neck surgery and took 3 months off, by choice, it was about 9 months total though that he was unemployed. I figured out about a month into his surgery recovery that he was not looking for work to stay home and drink late at night.

Fortunately, also, I already owned my own home, and kept it and maintained it during marriage. So, I paid bills at my house and HIS house, although I certainly didn't pay all "our" bills at his house.

The DV occurred, associated with drinking, and he "insists" that it be removed. Problem is, - I can think of this as a business negotiation and he can't. I have also found out in recent weeks that he has been drinking every night again, and this is how this has escalated to be so much worse. He is going to cause problems every step of the way.

It just kills me that this has to be so difficult just to get rid of him.
Thanks again :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:15pm
Lucky that it was a short time before you found out the reality of life w/STBX. My X also thought of all our money as HIS money, in spite of 21 years of marriage, in spite of me working 2 jobs to support us through his med school/training years, in spite of the fact I was his office manager, actively participated in all his published research, was primary parent for our kids, managed all our financial affairs, etc. It doesn't matter how he thinks of it, all earnings after marriage are community, all assests acquired after are community. If you want this over quick and clean, want to write it off as an expensive (emotionally as well as financially) lesson, more power to you. I, for one, completely understand. Have you looked into Al-Anon? It does help you deal with the self absorbed alcoholic personality, to get past the altered sense of reality one gets living with someone like that.
How he thinks about all this is moot. When I finally was able to step back and see my X's behavior w/ some objectivity- it was the most freeing feeling in the world. After that, the divorce was just bad business, I no longer was stressed, I could sleep, I was stable for my kids.
I ever get married again, pre-nup for sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:34pm

Yes, I was lucky, in that it was short, but I beat myself off and on for what I found out 4 months into marriage. STBX revealed that he had a DUI in early 2000's. Had I had that information prior to marriage, would things have been different? Would I have looked for things I woudln't have otherwise? So, he was a liar then...how do you know when an alcoholic is lying? There lips are moving...I have heard that as an RN so many times my head spins,...If I had only known then what I know now. (I am sure there are 1000's of people that can say that though!) I suggested divorce then, he refused and said we could work things out. Nothing chaged, he got worse, would have ok days, but still never looked for a job post surgery.

I haven't looked into Al-Anon, but that is a great suggestion. I am very familar with it from my psych./CD days in nursing.

My STBX doesn't have a CLUE that he is alcholoic. He thinks 'I' AM THE PROBLEM. When we intially split months ago, things were actually good "better" between us. Now, I see that it was the relief of being apart on my half, and the fact that he knew no one would be "monitoring" (as he says) his drinking. That quickly deteriorated when I pushed to move this divorce along. He came up with a consent decree to HIS liking. One of my fears of agreeing to stating no domestic violence occurred was what if I needed an order of protection in the future? Well, before I could even get an appt to go in and read and discuss the proposed decree with my attorney (that that was a potential concern), what I was afraid of happening did. Not abuse. But he was supposed to meet me in a store with mail of mine, and he didn't bring it, he blew up for no reason, other than the fact that I showed up to our agreed upon plan. He wanted me to go outside in the dark (yeah right!) to talk to him. I told him ther wasn't anything we couldn't talk about in the store, and that if he didn't have the papers then that was all I needed to know.

My STBX is the last to think his drinking is a problem, because he works and has a good job! How did drinking affect your H's work?...and what did he think of his drinking?

Thanks again :) great information.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:15pm
"My STBX doesn't have a CLUE that he is alcholoic. He thinks 'I' AM THE PROBLEM"
Classic. My recovering alcoholic brother describes it as an alcoholic personality trait, very narcissistic. Most alcoholics start drinking at a young age, my X at 13, brother @12. One's personality is still forming, and I believe the alcohol effects the developing brain.
X never drank at work, he thought that meant he couldn't be an alcoholic. He drank himself into first a rage, then a stupor most evenings, I and our sons were the ones who had to deal with his habit. His personality issues: lying, short temper, selfish, hyper critical, can't take blame for anything- that effects his professional life.
My X stopped drinking after I served him with divorce papers, the day after his first PV incident. The divorce was looming anyway, he'd been having an affair w/ his NP, was very verbally abusive, relationship w/ S18 was a tragedy, his dishonesty in running the practice, on and on. Even though he isn't currently drinking, well not in front of our S15 or his own parents at least, he hasn't sought treatment so he's a "dried out drunk." He still has anger management issues, lying issues, empathy issues, etc.
Biggest thing I worked on- forgiving myself for putting up with this hell for as long as I did.
Keep your wits about you dealing with him now. This is the riskiest time in a relationship with someone who has your X's problems as I'm sure you are aware since you must deal with women who have suffered greatly when leaving someone who can be PA in your work as an RN.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:45pm

It's very, very tricky to navigate the boobytraps of an angry narcissist. My STBX is not an alcoholic, but he has all of the personality traits. His father is an alcoholic and so is mine, so I know the patterns well. I just didn't realise that the booze was an optional part of the process. God knows I don't want that pattern perpetuated in my boys!

Once they see that they can't control you, they try all the harder. I have so much fear because that type of irrational behaviour is so unpredictable. If you can find a good Al-Anon group, it could be a lifeline for you. I would love to find a good 12 step meeting to attend, but my issues are a little different than Al-Anon issues. I wish my city had a co-dependent's anonymous group!

Anyway, I digress. I have to say that you seem to be doing extremely well psychologically considering the stress. You aren't deluding yourself about your situation, and you're going for counselling, you are doing great! Hang in there, this will end eventually. I just have to voice one small opinion about dropping the DV statement from the decree, don't do it! Protect yourself by keeping it in. JMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:01am
Don't you dare walk away without getting what you deserve from this man. This part won't last forever and there is a life waiting for you. Hopefully not a financially poor one. Hang in there. You will be surprised what a difference a year makes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:20am

Thanks for your thoughts.
I had an attorney on a divorce forum tell me that "I shouldn't take less than what I am entitled to" -- unless the cost (legal fees) outweighed the beneifts of assets. Since I am in a community property state, he claims everything was purchased with his refi money (which was/is sole & separate property, prior to marriage).
My own atty said we could even argue that, since there was no agreement between us to keep sole and separate monies. She suggested not giving up so easily also. I will be reevaluating this with her this week.

One thing I am concerned about is some overdraft that STBX may have incurred towards the very end of our marriage when I moved out. I don't want to be responsible for that, and with the little property amount we have, it may outweigh it.???

My attorney will look at the situation and the threats he has made (he wanted us to agree on a consent decree without their input, so that he could have the upper hand and manipulate I was told). He's told me so many lies about what "his atty said" that I am not sure which parts are true.

My main concern is his INSISTANCE that he won't agree to anything without the DV being removed. My atty will have to give me my otpions but I REALLY don't want to go to court over the DV issue. That will be very expensive, to him it is worth it, he has a child and DV in first divorce decree (yeah, if only I knew then....). He has excuses for that -that "it went both ways" meaning she beat him up or hit her.

I am NOT in ANY way minimizing the DV. It was more the CONSTANT verbal and emotional abuse. There were at least 4-5 episodes of physical contact (in which I tried to defend myself sometimes, -- so he will again say "it went both ways". I don't have any ex to worry about seeing this decree and don't care that it is in there. He's trying to say since he didn't beat me on a regular basis that it basically is just a "fight, like all couples have". BS!!!!! Problem is, he is a good liar, and I can't even specifically recall all the incidents clearly. There are no police reports, even though he called them once on ME! The cop said if he was younger he would take us both in, but instead said "deal with it" and left. Neither of us had any bruises etc., and it was basically a "he said, she said" story. How do the courts view that, if you happen to have any experience with that??

Right now, I am just preparing the best I can for my meeting with my attorney to see where we will go. We have a Res. Mgt Conf. set at court for early November, that a couple weeks ago, I really thought we would come to a conclusion before..at this point I am not so sure.

Thanks so much for your support,...I know a year will make a HUGE difference. heck, even 5 months has made a huge difference.




Edited 10/18/2006 12:31 am ET by sachdunk
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:30am

Yes, I have been told this by several people. I would NEVER take it out of my initial paperwork, which is always a public record. (He actually tried to get me to do that, and file an affadavit and all...he was even willing to pay for it at the time). That of course has changed, and now he just insists that it is out. Period. Whatever.

His treatment of me, and his public outburst the other night brought back all the memories of living him with drinking...worrying about everything, being scared, etc. I realized that in the 5 months I have been gone I hadn't had that feeling until the past week or 2 where he has become more verbally abusive and threatening as to results.

He says he wants to minimize cost, of course I do too, but I got an atty because I knew that no matter WHAT, this would not be an easy divorce. He has proven himself already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:58pm

I'm glad that you have an attorney.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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