How dare he, the peace is over for now
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| Mon, 03-20-2006 - 9:12am |
Why is it that just when you think you are getting somewhere unexpectedly, wham, you get thrown right back into reality. The reality that the one or two baby steps you thought you took have just pushed you backwards three or four. Damn him and I want to kick myself for falling in his trap. But he crossed the line and I couldnt bite my tongue fast enough.
Saturday, I was all prepared to have the first exchange on my own. I was ready. 11am my intercom rings, I answer to my surprise it's my guy friend. I buzz him up. Then 5 min or so later the intercom rings again, it was my ex. Told him I'd be down in a minute. Fine, the three of us go down. He looks at the baby and makes a face and asks where is the coat HE bought him, it's warmer than the one I have on him. He's ridiculous. I told him the coat was just as warm and it goes with his leggings. He says who bought this, I said what does it matter, he still saying "his" coat is warmer. The one he had on was a set red and blue, he bought him a brown coat, so my friend was like so you want him to go out in mis matched clothes? I said look can you go get it for me b/c this makes no sense and he did. So the three of us are waiting, he's talking to the baby, then asked me a few ?'s about the baby, it was really civil and felt good.
Then like someone else invaded his body he switches and says when am I getting my money? I said when am I getting my c.s. I havent gotten a dime yet. Then my friend comes back down w/ the other coat and I told ex Im not going to discuss this now. He turns to my friend and tells him you came down at the wrong time. Then says you know she hit me. Im like what. He starts telling him how he had to get the police on me because of what I did to him.
I told him look first off I didnt hit you, you want to be disrespectful to me and I will not stand for it. So he's asks him no matter how I talk to her does that give her the right to hit me? Then he tells him yeah just like she kept all my furniture, why dont she give it back to me, I told him that is the baby's furniture. He's like his furn. is in him room, I told him you need to grow up. My friend said why are you bringing this up when it's been settled already. He says I wont give him his money, I told him maybe he should go take back his truck from his other baby's mother and stop worrying about me. Then ex tells my friend, you better watch her, you dont know her, she is EVIL. Who the F does he think he is. My friend says he knows me well and Im not, Im just concerned about the baby. Ex says I dont care about the baby, Im just EVIL. I told him just watch the baby and go about his business b/c he sound really dumb and he said your mother.
I know I shouldnt have but I couldnt help it, he really got under my skin and I cursed his mother. I was just so furious at him. So the progress I thought we made was just shot to he!!. Im disappointed at myself for allowing him to get to me. I was just tired of always biting my tongue and feeling like a sucker when it comes to him, letting him say all these horrible things about me in front of any and everybody and never responding back to him.
Then ofcourse he shows up 33minutes late. Now the court order says more than a half hour late and the next visit is cancelled. I dont want to be spiteful because of how he's acting but he's always late in picking him up and bringing him back. Now dont I have to go by the order. I need some perspective. What would you do in a situation like this. Im to meet with my lawyer tomorrow and Im going to ask her what should I do regarding this. But I would love to get feedback from you guys.

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Are you wanting legal advice or common sense advice??
Legally I guess since he was 3 minutes past the deadline you could withold visitation. I would think that a judge is going to roll his eyes over 3 minutes and you will be labeled a control freak.
Common sense wise, he is a jerk, you know he is a jerk and you are expecting him to behave differently. I would imagine he was a jerk when you were together and you overlooked a lot of it hoping things would change. Do not engage him, do not discuss things like this in front of your son. He has no right to tell people to watch out for you and you have no right to discuss child support and trucks and ex girlfriends in front of the kid.
Next time dress him in every single article of clothing that ex has bought and send the kid out the door without a word.
Like I said, I know I shouldnt have let him get under my skin. I shouldnt have mentioned the truck but I did. Ive done rather well in keeping my mouth shut when he's acted like this. Did I expect a complete change no, however because we did have two civil conversations and I thought we were headed in the right direction.
Yes it's only three minutes, but I didnt right the order. With this legal system I feel that Im damned if I do and damned if I dont. You mention that if I withold visitation I would be labeled a control freak. ME...what about him. So if I follow the order they will stick up there nose at me but if I dont follow the order the same will happen. Why does something not make sense here. I would say using my common sense I would just let it slide but again arent I supposed to follow the Court Order. It's like when you mention a court order right away you must follow it or you will be in trouble. Maybe I have the wrong lawyer because that is the impression she has given me. I just dont want to get in any trouble.
You say dress the baby in everything he has bought for him, okay a coat. That's it. I have dressed him in the coat ex bought for him during previous visits. But what is this, This one time I dressed him in something that was appropiate that I bought am I shouldnt be able to? Am I supposed to just cower in a corner whenever he catches a hissy fit about something and let him have his way.
Im thinking your angle is to obliged him to illiminate any possible outburts in front of the baby and why I feel and agree that baby doesnt need to see any negativity if I keep overlooking these things wont they turn into bigger things? As he will expect to just act like this knowing I will give in and he'll have his way. When is enough, enough? Sometimes I get the feeling that the courts look at the mother's as the bad guys here.
As far as the child support goes I do have a right to ask about that because that is my business. However, I will not do it in person with him during an exchange, I jumped the gun in thinking that because we has two civil conversations that we'd be able to do so in person. So I wont be doing any talking with him unless absolutely necessary when the exchanges occur.
Hi,
I hear what your saying. I have bit my tongue and this time I let him get under my skin and that I regret. I will be ready next time. When your on the outside looking in though, it's hard. I dont know if you have ever been in this situation before but it's hard and at times just looking the other way is alot easier said than done especially when someone is determined to try and provoke you. On a whole Ive done rather well. But I have to do better because the baby is the most important thing.
Luv,
I have been following your plight.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Yes, I've been in a similar situation. Actually, when my divorce first happened, I got to listen to my stbx rant over my "part" in this on a constant basis. While we all bring baggage and issues to a marriage...he cheated on me from the beginning. He treated me as if I was a burden to deal with. He got angry if I didn't want to have sex with him even though I had strep throat. So believe me, when he wanted to discuss "my part in this", I wanted to part his head. However, it wouldn't serve any purpose. People that don't take responsibility for their actions can't be talked into taking responsibility. If I "defended" myself, it would have just turned into an ugly fight and he would still think he is justified in cheating. Nothing would change except that I would have lowered MY standard of behavior.
On the coat issue (or any other article of clothing, toy etc)...either make sure he has his things that the dad bought with him or just be prepared to state matter of factly (without emotion), "That coat (hat, shirt WHATEVER) is dirty and this is what he is wearing. Will you be taking him for visitation or would you prefer to forfeit the visit until next time when his coat is clean?"
Truly you can only fight the important fights (health and safety issues) and none of them can be fought in front of the baby.
You are correct that you did not write the order and that a court order needs to be followed. I am just telling you how judges view things, writing an order and having to listen to 3 minutes late and fights over coats and trucks and hurt feelings is another. Your case is a perfect example of why the family court system is completely overworked with no end in sight.
He is looking to nitpick you to death and you are doing the exact same thing back. 3 minutes is not a big deal, neither is which coat the kid goes with dad in. However, you both have chosen to make these issues big deals.
In my opinion because you have the majority of the time, power and control of the child then you have the burden of being accomodating to dad. He has very little time with his son and you are in control of almost everything. You both are in a power struggle with one another and he is going to wrestle some control from you however he can, ie the coat. Do you have to cower in the corner? NO but there is a huge difference between cowering in the corner and behaving properly.
I am not trying to come down on you, you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation but I don't think you get it yet. The courts are not going to make your ex be a nice guy. They are not going to mend your broken heart and they are not interested in making him pay for how he treated you. You go into each and every one of these visitations with a huge set of expectations and when they do not pan out then you are mad, calling attorneys and wanting revenge.
Yes the CS is your business but leave that to the attorneys and the court, deliquent CS they care about and they will deal with him. Probably not as fast as we would like but the courts are too busy dealing with crap like this to get around to the really important stuff. See how it is a vicious cycle????
Edited 3/20/2006 12:18 pm ET by step2littlejs
Hey girl,
I have been through with my ex for 2yrs now. I dont expect him to turn into prince charming, but I also do not expect him to disrespect me by yelling, cursing or screaming at me in front of our son. I dont want anything from him emotionally! Whatever he's giving the 19 yr old more power to him. My ex has removed himself from me emotionally for a very long, long time. I had to deal with those issues and I have, did it hurt, hell yeah. Ive accepted that me and him were over a long time ago. I have also separated myself from him emotionally. I dont want nor expect him and I to be buddy buddy, occassionally go out to eat or something like that. What do I expect. That we can be adults and civil, just like we were on the phone the two times we spoke. It was simple, to the point and no curses, yells or attacks. That is positive for the baby.
What made him be a jerk in person on saturday who knows. He's like jekyl and hyde. One thing I know is IF he is hurting that "our relationship is over" he will NEVER let me see it or know it because he's too proud and immature. In the beginning I wanted that so bad, not now. I know that chapter of my life is over.
I do have animosity because of the disrespect towards me now. It's not that I expect great things from him but I dont except that I should look forward to him cursing me and yelling at me in front of the baby. If I continue to allow him to treat me like this, what example is that setting for my son. That it's okay to treat and talk to women like this? That it's okay for his father to talk to his mother like this. That is no example to set, these are my issues and it seems like people are thinking that Im just whining b/c he wont be nice to me or something. I dont want a hug and kiss from him I just dont flipping want to be cursed out and yelled at in front of my baby. Is that too much to expect?
I was glad that we had the little progress we had b/c I figured we were headed in the right direction which was putting the baby first and showing him that mommy and daddy can be in each other's presence or communicate without yelling. That was it.
How would you handle it if your ex was cursing you and yelling at you in front of your kids. Its hard to have someone especially an ex that did all the dirt he did then turn around and have the audacity to talk to you like this because he's mad he couldnt have his cake and eat it to. I did have a setback, I just know now that the "so called" civility over the phone was just a lie on his part. Im done.
Hey step,
The only thing I expect is for him NOT to curse me or yelling and rant like a maniac in front of the baby. I feel that's a simple expectation. NO MORE.
I know, boy do I know the courts cant mend my broken heart, nor do I expect them to. I just want them to deal with the issues which are his severe anger and verbal abuse towards me in front of the baby. Are you saying the courts dont care if this man rants and raves like a maniac. If not then what the heck will they address? Im under the impression that the courts are supposed to look out for the best interests of the child how is verbal abuse and someone's severe anger good for any child.
He made the coat issue a big deal. Since he wasnt letting it go I just let him where the coat he bought him, so I accomodated him. As for the 3 minutes. Yes you hear 3 minutes and think oh please it's just three minutes. This man is always late. Pickups and dropoffs. We are both supposed to be on time. The order says more than a half hour late and the next visit is cancelled, it also states that the 30min provision is not a license to be perpetually late. He is always late and last week was the first time I said anything because it was ridiculous. Could I overlook it, yes, have you ever had to accomodate someone who was a ba$%^@D? It's alot easier said than done. I just feel like Im being asked to overlook so many things and he's able to continue with him horrible behavior. If this is the case it will only get worse wont it?
I didnt call my attorney because of what happened on Saturday, Im meeting with her because I havent yet. This will be our first meeting since this all began. So in your eyes there are no issues that need to be addressed? Never mind him lying about taking the baby to the hospital just to get a phone number, leaving the baby with the stranger, the verbal abuse, not telling me about the carpet at the school, none of these are valid issues.
I dont have a lawyer for the c.s. but I will take up that issue in a different way.
I like your suggestion about the coat or any other clothing issue again. I will use that. It's hard to deal with but Im still learning how to deal with it all. He really caught me off guard this time. With the two phone conversations and the beginning of the in person visit starting out okay I didnt expect the complete 180. I have to always be on guard with him.
Thanks for the advice.
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