How to deal with people...
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| Tue, 01-23-2007 - 5:48pm |
How do you deal with people who think that you should try harder to make your marriage work? Did it ever sway you from the divorce because it was just easier to live unhappy then to deal with all the stress?
Dh and I don't really fight. It is more that we don't care enough to fight about things. We have been like roomates for years. He admitted to me that he doesn't see me as a women, he sees me as a mom therefore the reason he hasn't wanted to have intercourse with me for 10 years.
I recently ended up having an emotional affair with a friend. I still talk to C but we are just friends talking about life. He isn't ready for another relationship and neither am I. Dh has made it clear that if I continue to talk to C that we are through.
I don't think I am in love with DH or even C for that matter. We have done 3 sessions of marriage counseling and we are still processing everything. We have 2 children and I am concerned about how this will affect them and I need to get a job before we separate.

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"What Other People Think Of Me Is None Of My Business!"
I don't know your situation, but one thing my marriage counselor said to my stbx and me, was "you can always divorce." Iow, take your time, talk it through, especially with the counselor and, if after giving it time, you still think you should leave, and that the kids would be better off with you divorced, then ...
GL and stay around.
M
Jeff and I decided last night to separate. We aren't filing for divorce at the moment but giving ourselves sometime to make sure that this is what we want. I guess I wasn't prepared on how difficult a separation is and that you go through a ton of feelings.
I am just trying to take it a day at a time.
I too hate when people tell me to try harder... especially after I did try several times in many different ways over the years, but there comes a time when enough is enough. People do look at me like I'm giving up, but this can't go on forever right?
Anyway, H and I separated two months ago. I will be filing for divorce soon. Even after being apart for a few months, my feelings haven't changed. I am comfortable with that.
My husband, too, told our (now his) therapist that he felt like I was a parent, not a wife. To the therapists credit, he did tell J. that one person couldn't play the role of parent if the other didn't play the role of child. I think it went over J's head, though. He seems only to see what he wants to in this mess.
Just hang in there. It will get better. Do what's right for you, and it'll be right for your children.
A.
Brandy,
Welcome to surviving divorce. We hope you find a safe environment here to vent and ask questions.
As a survivor of divorce myself, I strongly encourage people in troubled marriages to seek marriage counseling. There's two reasons for that. First, you need help to navigate the complex issues that bring a marriage to the point of divorce. That doesn't happen overnight and it can't be repaired overnight. Second, working on a marriage, especially a troubled one, isn't a do-it-yourself project. You need objective, professional help to navigate the troubled waters.
A good marriage counselor will not attempt to "fix" one or both of you. Instead, they will help you identify the issues that brought you to their door, help you find tools to communicate, and if possible, ways to help you "work on" the marriage. That said, marriage counseling isn't a six week diet program. It's a long term committment. I encourage you to make that commitment, not only as a possible way to save your marriage, but for both of you to learn how you contribute to your relationship or not, so you can take that information with you as you go forward.
Good luck and keep us posted.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I think how you live your marriage and your life is no-one business. Anybody who ever told me that I should do/have done things differently has never walked in my shoes, not even a step, and hasn't got my brain to decide. Also, does not have to live with the consequences of my decisions!!!
It may be a mistake to get involved in a new relationship - emotionally and/or physically - before breaking up. But that too is your decision only, and while we all make mistakes, I really dislike people judging others. Don't give that right to anybody! That does not mean not to listen to people who really know you and are concerned.
Refusal to have sex is ground for divorce since the middle age. A marriage is only a marriage, not a life sentence!!!
People suggesting you should (you know,.... woulda, shoulda, coulda...) try better, are either insensitive, biggots or just don't understand. You don't want to stay: get a job and go. Keep it friendly, and the kids will be fine too!!
Plus we all have different value systems. I come to these boards for empathy and help with handling my emotions but not advice. its spose to be for sharing mostly, for empathy and caring.
I too cannot stand it when people come in and tell you how to live your life when they base it on THEIR values systems and not ours.
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