How deal w/ GUILT b/c I'm one leaving?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
How deal w/ GUILT b/c I'm one leaving?
10
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 12:31pm

We'll be filing in the next couple weeks, and I'll be moving out. It's been pretty amicable so far, and we've already worked out 50-50 custody of our DD, 50-50 furniture, etc.

However, I am ending this, and I have terrible guilt about it. Without writing a book, he has some 'issues' that caused me to see him differently and fall out of love with him, and he says he's still in love with me. (I think he's in a bit of denial about that, but that's another story.) We've been to counseling, and are going to seperate by the end of the month.

How do I deal with the incredible GUILT of knowing how much I'm hurting him, and that I'm the one walking out (even if the cause is his or both our faults)?

TIA!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 1:17pm

I was in a similar position. My ex did not want the divorce. I had taken on the roll of taking care of everything, fixing everything, earning most of the money, etc. I felt my ex was not trying to hold onto our marriage because he loved me, but he was trying to hold on because he was terrified of losing the security I provided. I felt that even though he didn't want this at first (and although he did admit we both did things that destroyed the marriage) it was the best thing for *both* of us. Him staying married to someone who didn't love him was not good for *him* any more than it was for me. I guess that is how I viewed it.

Although I don't know that I felt guilt, I was highly motivated to make sure our split was amicable and fair. Now I can see he is happier too and he knows it, so I don't have any guilt after the fact either.

I would recommend that you continue counseling on your own. It's really helpful to be in therapy while going through a divorce and especially later if you start to date. Your counselor can help you figure out what to do with the feelings of guilt.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:30am

Hi K,

I left my husband in 1998 and I know how you are feeling as far as the guilt goes. In my case, my husband wasn't an alcoholic, he never abused me and he provided very well for us. Not many people understood how I could leave such a perfect life.

It took me 5 yrs to actually get to the point where I asked my husband for a divorce and that was after a lot of soul searching. I remember lying in bed in the morning (after he had left for work) wondering how I would tell him, our families and friends. The feeling was paralyzing at times ... I guess that's why it took me so long to put things out in the open.

Divorce is like a death and to feel responsible for causing it can be daunting. I hashed, rehashed over and over again why I shouldn't make such a critical decision but I kept coming back to how short life is and I knew that if I didn't leave I would have "settled" for what I had and regretted my decision down the road.

I wish I could tell you that the guilt will go away because mine hasn't. It's been 6 yrs. since I our divorce was final and I still feel bad about causing so much pain to one of my best friends. What I try to think about is how if I had stayed I would have made his life miserable as well as mine. I was not in love with him the way he was me and he deserved more.

Jo Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:43am

Hi K,

I wish there was something I could say to relieve the worry and guilt for you. The bottom line is, if you are that unhappy with your marriage and that ready to go, it was meant to be.

Your STBX may not understand it now, but he will soon enough. Sometimes, if one person is not happy in the relationship the other person is not happy either, they just want the security and the "idea" of being married to fall back on.

Although it's hard now, it will get easier. It is tough, but he will get through it. I am on the receiving end and know that if I can get through divorce and the realization that it was for the best, anyone can.

Time, space and patience will take care of it.

Take care and good luck!

Hugs,

Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:50am
I am sorry that you are going through this. The last 2 years have been very rough for me as well. I can relate. I pushed for the divorce and my exH still loves me and did not want it. He tried to change but by then, I was no longer in love with him and I didn't really care enough to try anymore. The guilt, to this day (divorce final last fall) is still hard to live with. I see how lonely he is and it hurts me that I hurt him. But, I also think of the years together and how he hurt me in the past. I'm sure that you will agree that you didn't get to this point of asking for a divorce without some reason besides 'no longer in love' with him. All of the times over the years of trying to get him to understand what I needed or wanted in our marriage did not get taken seriously enough. They (husbands) helped with the deterioration. I think of all the times I was hurt and lonely over the years. I am not justifying or thinking of it as a revenge thing but I try to remember this when I feel so guilty. Was he all that concerned about my feelings?
Good luck to you, stay strong... I still go back and forth over whether or not I did the right thing. A good friend of mine asked me 'what if he said he was moving back in tomorrow.... how would you feel?' PANIC.... then i know I did the right thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:58am
After reading the other posts, i wanted to mention one more thing.... in regards to settling. I was also afraid that if I stayed I would have been settling and one day I would have regretted it. He deserves someone who loves him as much as he loves them. Also, when I thought about just staying, because it wasn't SO bad it would have been for comfort, security, what I knew. I felt that the reason I needed to stay SHOULD be because .... I don't want to live my life without him and that I loved him so much that I would do anything (counseling, make changes in me) to make it work. I couldn't say or do those things so it was time for me to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 1:39pm

And let us always remember that if you decide you no longer want to be with your spouse or you love him/her but aren't "in love" - please get a divorce BEFORE you move on to another person. The pain is oh so much more intense when one finds out you've been "played" in your marriage for financial or "comfort" reasons, then all of a sudden that "not in love, life is too short" card is played.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 1:51pm

Well said..

The pain from having your spouse be with someone else before they talk about their unhappiness and before they leave is just terrible to deal with. More pain than deserved, in any case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 4:51pm

wow...

thank god there is a website out there for women. When reading these message boards, like myself, there are women out there who think they are the only ones going through these situations.

Reading your post, was like reading my life right now. I thank you for sharing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 9:20am

Wow - you guys are all amazing. Great information. It's weird because it's SOOOOO amicable right now, I'm half waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think that's part of the guilt, too - the 'it's not that bad' thing happening.

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2005
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:58pm

I am dealing with this now as well. I tried for three years to get my husband to spend more time with me, give me affection and attention- etc. I asked for counseling repeatedly, brought home books that he threw away-and even point blank told him I was going to leave him or have an affair.

Telling him and his family that I wanted the D was the hardest thing I have ever done. He cried so much for three days that I checked myself into the hospital to get away from him. He was finally willing to go to counseling after I said, "Get out" but it was too late for me. During the time of my most unhappiness I admit I had a short lived emotional fling (not sexual) with someone I'd known for years. I knew that if I had gotten to that point, the next step would be a full blown sexual affair. That scared me.

He's a good guy basically and never beat me. He just neglected me to the point to where I fell out of love with him. I met someone after I separated and things are wonderful. He's been through this as well (his wife cheated). I was venting to him about my guilt. He said, "How many things do you feel you did to end this marriage?" I said, "One" (the emotional affair) and he said, "How many times did he go away and leave you alone?" We counted over 225 weekends in my marriage. He said, "How many times did you ask for counseling?" I said "15-20" He said, "How many times did he ask you" I said never. He said, So, how can you feel that this is your fault?? Look at the numbers.

When he put it that simply it made sense. All I can do is move on now and be the best mom that I can possibly be. I'm doing that so I feel okay about myself- today anyway.