How did I get here

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
How did I get here
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 11:16am

I will apoligize now for the long story.


I have been married for 11 years and have 2 children 9 and 6.  I found out a little over a month ago my husband had not been paying bills and had gotten us very in debt.  I had to go to my mother for a loan to get us out of this.  I was so in shock at how bad it was and for how long he had kept it hidden from me.  I should have known but ignorance is bliss.  He can't tell me where all the money had gone.  We both work full time and make enough money for all our monthly bills and yet he was not paying them.

My oldest can be a handfull he is somewhat ADHD or ADD I'm not sure, but if things don't go his way he will cry or want to go home.  My husband will call him a baby and tell him he will never leave the house again if he can't get along and fit in with the other kids.  I have a tendency to let it go because fighting my son makes it worse.  I have told my husband he will never be just like all the other kids and you have to love him for who he is.  My husbad has a temper with him which in turn only makes it much worse.

I want to leave my husband I have tried to talk to him about it and he shuts down completely.  At first he said if I leave he will dissapear and we will never see him again.  Now he says he will never only see his kids every other weekend.  I can't see him having joint or shared parenting.  Most nights of the week he leaves the house and comes home after the kids are in bed already asleep.  He never helps with homework, making dinner, laundry.  He comes home and sits on the computer for hours playing games.  He said he will never move out of the house. 

We rent and I work full time but between rent, babysitting and having to pay loans back I can't afford to move into my own place.  I would have to move my kids in with my mom,  which she keeps telling me to do because she does not want me staying with him because I am so unhappy.  I feel like if I could get enough child support I could stay in the house if he would just leave, but I can't make him.

I am meeting with a lawyer just to see what my options are but just don't know what to do.  All I care about is my kids being happy.  My husband says he is happy, but I am miserable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 1:34pm

You really need to see a lawyer before you can decide what to do.  You can't really make him leave while the divorce is pending if there is no abuse going on, but as the case goes on, maybe your lawyer could negotiate with him to leave.  some people will say "I won't do that" but when it comes down to actually getting divorced, they become more reasonable because they don't really want a long dragged out divorce that's going to cost a lot of money in legal fees.  You have to find out what you could reasonably expect to get in child support.  You should also find out if the best option would be to file bankruptcy (joint) and get rid of your debts.  It does matter what you & your DH make for income as far as whether you would ahve to pay any of the debt back but since you don't own a home, you might be able to do that.  You should also look over the past few years of bank statements very carefully to try to figure out how you got into debt, if you were in the habit of not paying attention to finances--does your DH have a gambling problem, was he spending money on women or was he just the type to keep buying stuff that he didn't need on credit cards and then not have enough money to pay it back?  You really need to start paying attention to finances now--try to take control over paying the bills and maybe you should start putting your money into your own account instead of a joint account--it would be better to do that and to make sure at least some of the bills are paid than to trust that your DH is going to pay them.

If he says he won't agree to seeing the kids only every other weekend, then what is his plan?  the fact that he doesn't spend any time with the kids now certainly goes against him, plus the way he treats your son--a lot of guys who really have no interest in their kids will say that just cause they think they won't have to pay child support.  When it comes right down to it, he doesn't sound that interested in being a parent.